Schmoozing is difficult at very large database conferences, as it is usually not possible nor even desirable to schmooze with the entire set of attendees. While hanging around with your advisor can be used to decrease the size of the "target schmoozee set", following your advisor too closely is notoriously dangerous and potentially hazardous to your enjoyment of the conference.

In this talk, I will likely cover one or more of the following topics:

1. How to "sell" your research to anyone who is willing to listen.
2. How to avoid other students who are trying to "sell" their research to you.
3. How to do crossword puzzles during the paper sessions without getting caught.
4. Guaranteed techniques for getting a seat next to a "Mighty Famous Big Shot" (MFBS) at lunch.
5. How to make sure that everyone sees you having lunch with the MFBS.
6. How to make everyone think that it was the MFBS's idea for you guys to sit together in the first place.
7. No, you're not paranoid, there really is a big party that *everyone else but you* has been invited to.

Results from previous SIGMODs show that our techniques increase the average schmoozosity factor anwhere from 40% to a whopping 400%, depending on how bad a schmoozer you were in the first place.

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