Music Dictionary From Hell
        (Classical Edition)

Accidentals:
        Wrong notes.
Augmented Fifth:
        A 36 oz. bottle.
Breve:
        The way a sustained note sounds when you run out of air.
Coloratura Soprano:
        A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note,
        and has a wild time hunting for it.
Choral Conductor:
        A musician who is adept at following many people at the
        same time.
Deceptive Cadence:
        When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but don't.
Detache:
        An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides
        removed.
Espressivo:
        Close eyes and sing with a wide vibrato.
Glissando:
        A technique adopted by tenors for difficult runs.
Hemiola:
        A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.
Isorhythmic Motet:
        When some members of the consort get a different Xerox
        from the others.
Musica Ficta:
        When you lose your place and have to fake notes.
Rubato: German measles.
Piano Subito:
        Indicates an opportunity for some obscure singer to take
        a solo.
Prima Donna:
        Soprano who generally dies in the last act of an opera of
        consumption, or -- more frequently -- of overconsumption.
Risoluto:
        Indicates to the chorus that they are to stubbornly maintain
        the tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
Vibrato:
        The villain in Handel's opera "Arpeggio at Tessitura".