ST LISTS
Trek top ten lists
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The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the
Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a
Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek?
Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates
you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
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10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit
too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
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SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include
dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible,
and "The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that today's elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing
and dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your
drawers
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**20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it
has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form,
which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form just
wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place
to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten
to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed
as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise"
where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience
which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a
smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of
his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for
not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one
in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
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10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself
on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees
a shuttlecraft
8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his
forehead
6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers
at other life-forms
5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if
Dick Hertz is there
4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show
her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the
Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead,
make it so"
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an
away team beams back up
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
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9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 minutes into the
future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's
crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy
during self-destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed
aboard Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!