Cartoon Laws of Physics
Authorship
Unknown
Cartoon Law I
Any
body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point,
the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any
body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes
suddenly. Whether
shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so
absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder
retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any
body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its
perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so
eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a
cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this
reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The
time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to
the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty
flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt
to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All
principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in
most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface.
A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually
to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet
of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As
speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is
particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be
glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect
is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky'
character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet
off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain
bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances;
others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but
at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick
an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The
painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is
ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any
violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess
even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford.
They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or
disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking
self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape
of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls
faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
For
every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one
law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at
large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
A
sharp object will always propel a character upward. When poked (usually in the
buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity
by shooting straight up, with great velocity.