PUNS

  Watch Out, Bad Pun Alert
 
 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
 in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your
 kayak and heat it, too.
 
 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
 became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
 never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the
 lesser of two weevils.
 
 3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
 to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
 
 4. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
 beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
 
 5. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
 One says to the other, "Are you all right?"  "No, I lost an
 electron!" "Are you sure?"  "Yeah, I'm positive!"
 
 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
 during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.
 
 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
 the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an
 hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But
 why?," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand
 chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
 8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
 daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would
 always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end
 of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out
 of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw  together a
 daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The doctor came in at his
 regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a
 hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm  sorry," replied the bartender,  "it's a hickory
 daiquiri, doc."
 
 9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
 eat. He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a
 book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
 pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.  Even the king of the jungle
 knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
 
 10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in
 ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
 Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
 
 11. A guy goes to a psychiatrist.  "Doc, I keep having these alternating
 recurring dreams.  First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
 tepee; then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy.  What's wrong with me?"
 The doctor replies: "It's very simple.  You're two tents."
 
 12. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes
 to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in
 Spain; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
 to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
 wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds,  "But they
 are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."