QUESTIONS
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because
it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
If you spin an Oriental person around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a
Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
Isn't it even a little disquieting that the man
who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages when
it's just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of
magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why do we say something is out of whack? Just what is a whack anyway?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I Do," is the longest?
Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are a billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you
will have to touch it to be sure?
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.
By the second day you're off it.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl
at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
becaught dead in otherwise.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am
a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were
a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Iraq.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's
ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on
the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing
that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God
talks to us we're schizophrenic?
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for "synonym"?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When it rains why don't sheep shrink?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do our feet smell and our noses run?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?