INTRO: BILL: WELCOME to our Holiday Enter--- SAMIR: NO, you can't say Holiday, it might offend people who do not celebrate holidays BILL; WELCOME to our end-of-the-year Enter--- SAMIR: NO, you can't say `End-of-the-year', it might offend people who still have finals. BILL: WELCOME to our CS Enter---- SAMIR: NO, you can't say CS, it may offend people who are not in CS. BILL: Okay, then YOU do the introduction. SAMIR: Welcome to out, uh, uh ENTERTAINMENT-- BILL: NO, you can't say ENTERTAINMENT, we only had one rehersal- it might not be that entertaining. SAMIR: Okay, then YOU do the introduction. BILL: WELCOME to our Holiday Enter--- SAMIR: You can't say that, it might offend people who do not celebrate holidays BILL: WELCOME to our---- BONNIE: You are in an infinte loop BILL and SAMIR: Whats an infinite loop? BONNIE: WOW, you two really are theorists! BILL: And I suppose you do practical things? BONNIE: Some of you may have heard that I'm making a major transition in 2014, but all is not lost, I will be leaving behind one of my most prominent creations, the RealtYme TrANslation system, or RYAN for short (HOLDS UP SIGN), and I'm here today to demonstrate this wonderful invention's capabilities .... THEN BONNIE AND RYAN DO what acad say VS what they mean skit ----------------------------------------------------------------- BILL: Samir, for the entertainment--- SAMIR: You're calling it that now? BILL: Its either that or `end-of-the-year-not-a-party-but-may-have-desert', which is 12 syllables, where as `en-ter-tain-ment' has only 4 syllables. less syllables. SAMIR: Is number-of-syllables one of your complexty measures? BILL: YES, I had a paper on it that won Best Paper at the last complexity conference. SAMIR: Are you joking? BILL: I'll never tell. However, thats not what I want to talk about. I wrote a play that takes place in a Faculty Meeting and I want you to play the Chair SAMIR: I play the chair 7 days a week, 24 hours a day! I am NOT going to play the chair in my spare time! BILL: But you don't have any spare time? SAMIR: Have someone else do it. BILL: Who? SAMIR: Lets have a future Chair play it. Elaine, do you want to PLAY chair ELAINE: Sure! SAMIR: Do you want to BE chair? ELAINE: NO! SAMIR: You are indeed wise. BILL: Not so fast. Elaine, you'll play chair in my play and if you like it, you can run for chair in... say, 10 years. ELAINE: But I don't want to be chair BILL: Clever- by claiming you don't want the job people will think you will do a good job. ELAINE: But I really don't want the job! BILL: Clever- by claiming you don't want the job people will think you will do a good job. ELAINE: But I really don't want the job! ELAINE: We're in an infinite loop BILL AND SAMIR: Whats that? ELAINE: Bonnie was right you ARE theorists. Bill, just introduce the play to break out of the loop. BILL: (Faces audience) without further ado, I hope you enjoy the play: Sure, he created the universe, but would he get tenure? THEN THEY DO THE PLAY --------------------------------------------- BILL: Bill Pugh asked me if he could do fire-eating for entertainment. The chance to see Bill Pugh burn his mouth! Of course i said yes. Bill P: I learned this on Sabbatical. As they say, Don't try it at home. Bill P does fire eating. ----------------------------------------- DAVE: So Bill, you prove theorems that have no application. BILL: Well, I try to. DAVE: So would you rather be in a math department. BILL: YES, but not for the reasons you might think. WHY do you think I would rather be in a math department? I'll give you three guesses. DAVE: Okay. You would rather be in a math dept since that would cut your salary in half! BILL: A good guess. Yes, if I had less stuff I might be happier, but NO, that's not the reason. DAVE: Okay. You would rather be in a math dept since that would double your teaching load. BILL: I DO like teaching; however, NO, that's not the reason. DAVE: Okay, my last guess. You would rather be in a math department so you could actually UNDERSTAND the next song! BILL (Shocked); WOW! That's right! How did you know? DAVE: I read the script! (Faces audience) Without further ado, here are is a song written by THE KLEIN FOUR, a group of Math grad students who sing funny math songs. (looks questioning) That's odd, though it would be even odder if they sang serious math songs. The song is (says this with a question mark in his voice) A finite simple group of order two(?) DAVE: Bill, whats a finite simple group or order two? BILL: Its a math-love-funny song by the Klein Four! HIT IT! (Then Bill, Vibha, Ryan, Peter sing it) ------------------------------------------------------- At end we all take a bow and go around and say our NAME and favorite TV show