Two friends are playing golf, when they get held up by a two women playing in front of them. One of them agrees to walk forward and ask if they can play through.
The first man returns and says "I can't ask them to play through, one is my wife and the other is my lover".
The second man agrees to go up and ask them to play though, but soon returns and reports "Small world, I have the same problem."
Q: Why can't Heidi Fleiss and O.J. play golf together?
A: One is a hooker and the other is a slicer.
A man hits his ball deep into the woods. While trying to find his ball he finds a few abandoned balls and puts them in his pocket.
After the round he is in the club house and a woman keeps starting at his pants. Finally, he points down and says "golf balls".
The woman looks shocked, and says "and I thought tennis elbow was bad."
A fellow comes home after golf one Sunday afternoon, falls asleep on the couch, and doesn't wake up until about 9 PM. His wife asks why he is so tired. "Well, You remember George, my golfing buddy? He died today, on the fourth green."
"That's terrible," she says. "It sure was," he says, "For the next 14 holes it was drive, drag George, chip, drag George, putt, drag George..."
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake. "The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded. "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed. "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet. She goes over to the ball, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies: "No, you see there is your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
I was playing this hole one time with a senior citizen and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took
off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared.
I said, "That's really nice of you. Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?
He said "No, not usually, but I it's the least I could do in this case. I was married to the woman for 40 years!"
During a Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise,
hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with
their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired,
"Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
from Reader's Digest, March 1994.
A rather good golf junkie who happens to be a priest is on the 18th hole and has about a 200 yard approach shot to the green. He drags out his 1-iron, and starts to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder, shattering a tree some 3 hundred yards east, and the rain begins pouring down in a blinding sheet.
The distraction causes him to hook the shot badly out of bounds. He waves his 1-iron at the clouds, screaming and yelling and cursing God. His caddy runs up, grabs his club arm and yanks it down, yelling ``Are you crazy? You don't wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!'' The priest looks at his caddy and says
``Phhhhhtt. Not even God can hit a 1-iron!''.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."
One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
The Pope considered for a moment, and replied, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back with you."
The next day, the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stood before the Pope, who said, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape. It puts all courses on earth to shame ....
"The bad news is that you have a tee time for tomorrow
morning."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well, "said the pro. "l was teeing up for the first hole, and as l brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!"
Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second
'gotcha?'"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . .
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's... Father O'Malley."
Because all the other four-letter words are taken.