ONELINERS

Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet:  a phoneless cord.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted:  Telepath.  You know where to apply.
Budget:  A method for going broke methodically.
Car service:  If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd.  All wights wesewved.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
I poured Spot Remover on my dog - now he's gone
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
Laughing stock:  cattle with a sense of humor
Corduroy pillows:  They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in


COMPUTER SCIENCE ONE-LINERS

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs.  It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS   C:\DOS\RUN   RUN\DOS\RUN
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny (HEY!!!)
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Debugging is removing bugs, so programming must be inserting bugs.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.