(This is a play I wrote in 1996.
It was performed at the Holiday Party at 
Univ of MD, Comp Sci Dept.
It was later submitted to a play-writing contest
and got invited to be performed at the Arena Stage.
To give you the idea of the prestiges,
none of the actors, directors, or writers got
paid.  I did get a discount on the ticket though.)

FEEL FREE to download and perform.
GREAT for Holiday Parties.
You can add your own inside-jokes.
If you do so, please email me how it went.


Sure, He Created the Universe, But Would He Get Tenure?


Bill Gasarch and Chris North

c 1996 by Bill Gasarch and Chris North


All of the characters are professors
at a university.

CHRIS:  He will be arguing in favor of granting God tenure. 

CARL:: He will be arguing against granting God tenure. 

LINDA:: She will also be arguing against granting God tenure,
but not as much as Carl.

CHAIR:PERSON: She is chairing the meeting.

PLACE: A department meeting of a faculty at a university.

TIME: The present.

[As the scene begins, Chris, Chairperson, Linda, and Carl are
sitting in chairs, in that order,  with one long table in front of them.
The chairs are angled so that Chris and Carl can see each other.
Throughout the play the characters can move around, get up to 
get coffee, etc.

I am calling this meeting to discuss whether or not
to give God tenure in our department.
As you know, tenure means that He cannot be fired
except for immoral behavior, which in this case seems
Here are copies of God's resume and letters of recommendation.
(The Chairperson passes out folders.)
Before we get started, I want to remind everyone that
God is not allowed to know any of the details of this discussion.
Not a single word uttered here should leave the room.

CHRIS: Uh, excuse me, the candidate is all-knowing...

CARL: In that case, why not just ask the Almighty how this meeting will
turn out, and then we don't have to have it.

CHAIR: We'll do our best to make sure that what's said in this room
stays in this room.
If the candidate is all-knowing, that's not our fault.
Now, as  usual, 
the items to consider
are research, education, and service.
Let's start with research.

CHRIS: He started one of the most important fields of study!

CARL: All He did was create the world.

CHRIS: But He did it with speed and elegance.

LINDA: But that was a long time ago.
Whats he done lately?

CHRIS: He wrote the entire Bible!

LINDA: That's still many years ago.

Hey, the Bible may be old, but it's certainly original.
In fact, everyone else's work is based on it.
Look at God's citation index; He has more citations
than Shakespeare!

Yeah, but many of the citations are negative.
A citation saying  `God doesn't exists'
is not good for his tenure case.

But those citations are false!

Whether or not they are true or false is
irrelevant.  They work against his case.

While I admit the Bible is
one helluva book, it is just one book. And it had no references.

CHRIS: But there was nothing for God to reference!

It wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer

CHRIS: But God has no peers! Who would you get to referee God's work?

LINDA: Jesus? 

CARL: Nepotism!

CHRIS:  Abraham? Mohammed? Joseph Smith? Guru Nanak? 
L. Ron Hubbard?

CARL: No, those are His graduate students.
And if you recall, L. Ron Hubbard flunked out.

LINDA: Oh, yes, quite a scandal.

CHAIR: Enough of this! Let's talk about the letters of recommendation.

LINDA: I'm not that impressed with the letters.

CHRIS: Why not?  This one says that He walks on water!

LINDA: Yeah, yeah, but all letters say stuff like that.
Besides, it said He helped someone else walk on water.
Its not clear who deserves the credit.

And speaking of credit,
there are rumors that His grad students, Moses and Paul,
wrote the Bible, and He took all the credit.

CHRIS: God generated the text; they just did the 
word processing.
He certainly created the world by Himself.

CARL: We don't know that.
There was nobody around to check if He plagiarized.

CHRIS: By the same token, 
there was nobody he could have plagiarized.

LINDA: Hmm, good point.

CHRIS: Think of what prestige it would add to our
department to have someone as well known as God as
a Tenured faculty.

CARL: Being well known is not necessarily a virtue.
Satan is well known, and we're not considering him for tenure.

CHAIR: Actually, that's next week's meeting. 

CHRIS: I will fight any attempt to give Satan tenure with every
ounce of strength I have. If we give Satan tenure, I will
(cut off)

CHAIR: Stop! We can wait until next week to have next week's meeting.
Let's move on to the next topic of this week's meeting: 
How is God's grant support?

LINDA: He hasn't brought in the really big grants.

CHRIS: Actually, all our grants are God's grants! All those dollars already have
God's name printed on them.

CHAIR: Let's discuss how well rounded He is.

CHRIS: He's done fine interdisciplinary work.

CARL: Gee, people who can't concentrate on any one thing
often use the excuse, ``Well, I'm interdisciplinary.''

CHRIS: Are you accusing the One who designed the universe of
not being able to concentrate?

CARL: I'm just saying that it's easier to do three things badly
than one thing well.

CHRIS: But God does all things well!

Not quite. 
Do you remember the trouble awhile back when He tried to
get an assistant professorship in the Life Sciences Department?

LINDA: Oh, yes.  Those evolutionists certainly made a monkey out
of Him.

CHRIS:    No, that's backwards.

LINDA:  He made a monkey out of them?

CHRIS:    No, He made them out of a monkey. 

CARL: Anyway, is this the kind of controversy that we really
want our department associated with? 
%Its a no-win situation

%LINDA:  I think it's a Dar-win situation.  [ Drum hit ]

%CHAIR: Knock that off.  Are there any serious objections to
%God's work in the sciences?

CHAIR: Are there any serious objections to
God's work in the sciences?

LINDA: I have some concerns about the scientific
quality and ethics of His work.

CHRIS: But He defined science and ethics! How can you have a problem with it?
Besides, His work paid off! 

The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate
His results. 

CHRIS: Gee, I wonder why...

LINDA: And He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission 
to use human subjects!

CHRIS: But He is the Ethics Board!

When one experiment screwed up, He tried to cover it up by drowning the
subjects.  When subjects didn't behave as predicted, 
He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.

CHRIS: It's not His fault that the subjects didn't read the instructions!

CHAIR: Ok, ok, that's enough. Let's discuss God's teaching.

Many students swear by Him.

CARL: He expelled His first two students for experimenting and learning
something. That's a rather rough grading policy.

CHRIS: Ah! Recall that academic dishonesty was involved.
The students cheated from the tree of knowledge, which was strictly

LINDA: But God didn't give the students a fair hearing.
God wouldn't even let them back in the classroom to appeal the grade.

CARL: Other students complain that God's hard to find.
One of them said
that God's office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Some say that God's just too busy.
CHRIS: Students are always complaining. I bet they didn't even try
looking for Him.  God's got plenty of time to meet 
students---after all, He's eternal! 

CHAIR: Enough on education. Let's look at His service.

%LINDA: (talking to the Chairperson) He beats you regularly at tennis.

%CHAIR: That's not what I meant by service!

CHRIS: He keeps the world up and running.

CARL: But what's He done for us?

CHRIS: Just last week God sent out a memo to the effect that we 
should use paper
cups instead of styrofoam to help the environment.

LINDA: The memo might have been more effective if it hadn't been written
in ancient Hebrew.

CHRIS: He also provided copies in Latin and ancient Greek.

CHAIR: Chris,  have you 
looked into the possibility of getting additional funding from
the affirmative action people if we give God tenure?

CARL: That's a laugh! God is the ultimate dead white male.

CHRIS: Wrong on all three counts! He's not dead, 
He's not white, and He's not male.  He's universal, beyond gender or race.

LINDA: Then why do you keep calling God ``He''?

CHRIS: Because English has no genderless pronoun.

CHAIR: Chris, you still haven't answered my question.

CHRIS: Oh. We get no extra funds for hiring God.

CARL: Ah, so I was right.

CHRIS: Not quite. The higher-ups agreed with me that God was beyond
gender or race; however, that also means He's not
Black, Hispanic, or female.  
I tried telling them He had a Spanish
first name, `Jesus' (pronounce in spanish, phonetically Hazus), but that didn't fly.

CHAIR: Let's end this discussion and take a vote. I've got mail to read.

CHRIS: But we're not done discussing the case!

CHAIR: In that case, someone has to make a motion to end the
discussion. Then it has to be seconded and voted on.

CARL: I make a motion to end the discussion and then take a vote on whether to
grant tenure to God.

LINDA: Second.

CHAIR: All in favor of ending the discussion and then
taking a vote, raise your hands.

(Linda and Carl raise their hands.)

CHAIR: All who want to continue the discussion, raise your hands.

(Chris raises his hand.)

CHAIR: Okay, the discussion is ended, and we'll take a vote.  
This is, of course, a secret ballot.

(They all write down on a small piece of
paper a Y or an N and put it into a box.
After the ballots are handed in, some special effect
happens to indicate God's presence (e.g., lights flash).
Something happens to the 
box containing the ballots to
indicate that it is being 

CHAIR: The vote is three Yes's and zero No's.
Looks like God gets tenure.

CARL: Looks like it helps having friends in high places.