Daria Fan Fiction.

TITLE: The IQ test

AUTHOR: William Gasarch
AUTHOR EMAIL: gasarch@cs.umd.edu
(Please include)

Daria is a TV show on MTV, a cartoon show, which
I am quite fond of.  I am not alone--- there are websites
and lots of fan fiction.  
(e.g., http://www.outpost-daria.com)
I originally thought that
the fan fiction I write would ONLY be of interest to
people who watch the show, but I was pleasently surprised
when someone who is not a fan and is not American,
saw my fan fiction and liked it.


IF you are a fan of the show and LIKE the story GOOD
IF you are a fan of the sow and DON"T LIKE it, sorry to have wasted your time.
IF you are NOT a fan of the show and like it GREAT
If you are NOT a fan of the show and DON"T like it, then I can blame it on
	your not being a fan.

SUMMARY: The students take an IQ test with
some surprising results.

CATEGORY: High School. Fantasy.

NOTE: PLEASE email me if you LIKE or DISLIKE
the story.  I want to know someone out
there is READING this stuff.


Opening Scene: The usual students are going into
a room.  On the blackboard it says IQ TEST.
The clock says 8:45 

DARIA: Another day, another pointless measurement.

QUINN: Is this one of those fun tests like that
psychotic thing you failed, or is this a real test?

DARIA: What's the difference?

KEVIN:  What's an IK (he is trying to pronounce IQ) test?
And shouldn't that Q be followed by... by...,
there is some letter that always follows Q.  Except
when ... something about oil and some Gulf thing.
Maybe Gulf Oil.  No, there's no Q in that.

BRITTANY: Q is usually followed by U Kevy.
And the only word I know that doesn't have a q followed
by a u is Iraq.

KEVIN: Oh, yeah, right.  Iraq.  Cool! I knew that. I think.

BRITTANY: Yes Kevy, you think all the time!
Thats why you should do well on this test.

SANDI: People with low IQ are like, those people who mix
primary colors.
(The rest of the fashion club, who are listening, shudder.)
People with high IQ are like, those people who wear
all black.  Isn't that right Quinn?

QUINN: Uh... I wouldn't know.

SANDI: If you wouldn't know, that puts you in the low IQ category.
I'll expect your next outfit to be stripes and plaids.
(Fashion club shudder again.)

TIFFANY: So like, what's a good score to get on the IQ test?

SANDI: Slightly above average.  

QUINN: I was going to wish you luck, but instead I'll say
``break a ... fingernail''

(At the front of the room)

PRINCIPAL LI: Hello Class.  
There are two kinds of government grants.
Some go to DUMB schools and some go to SMART schools.
Because of certain students, who will go unnamed,
we can't qualify for the DUMB money, but
we can try to get the SMART money.
If you do well on this test then we can afford to

(looks at Kevin) upgrade the football field

KEVIN: Cool!

PRINCIPAL LI: (looks at Jane) get some art supplies.

JANE: I've been trying to do sculptures in gold--- can you
handle that?

PRINCIPAL LI: (looks at Brittany) get new pom pom's for the cheerleaders

BRITTANY: Cool! (squeal voice)

PRINCIPAL LI: (looks at Daria) and get... hmmm...

DARIA: (sarcastic) How about feeding the hungry in... our own cafeteria?

PRINCIPAL LI: Daria, come with me (they both go outside the room).

DARIA: So whats up?

PRINCIPAL LI: Daria, here's the deal.  If the class does well on this test
then we really will get some money.

DARIA: (sarcastic throughout this conversation) 
Unless I get 10% off the top, tax free, I'm not interested

PRINCIPAL LI: But with the money we can...

DARIA: and I want that money in 1/3 small unmarked bills, 1/3 cocaine, and
1/3 Nazi gold.  Jane can sculpt the Gold.

PRINCIPAL LI: How about if I let you skip the test of your choice?

DARIA: You mean if I do well on this test I don't have to take this test?

PRINCIPAL LI: You can skip some other test.

DARIA: But I like taking tests--- its better than having
this conversation.

PRINCIPAL LI: How about you get to spend gym watching TV?

DARIA: Is Jane part of the deal?

PRINCIPAL LI: Okay. If your score is the highest in the school
and the class average is
high enough to obtain that money, then you and Jane can
spend gym watching TV for the next... 4 months

DARIA: 10 months

PRINCIPAL LI: 8 months

DARIA: Deal.  Should I let students cheat off me also, to
help pull the scores up?

PRINCIPAL LI: Hmmm.  No.  That would undermine my authority.

DARIA: Well, we can't let that happen.

(They all walk back in. The tests are passed out. The clock
says 9:00. We hear the student's thoughts.)

KEVIN (THOUGHTS): If I finish soon I can get in more practice.
My choices are A,B,C,D, and E.  Well duh, I want an A so
I'll just mark them all A's.  That should speed things up.

BRITTANY (THOUGHTS): If I finish soon I can spend more time with Kevy.
Hmmm.  I'll think through these questions more carefully.

DARIA (THOUGHTS):  The question says ``Assume Karen takes
a multiple choice test with answers A,B,C,D, and E.  If she
guesses them all A and 1/5 are right, and a correct answer
scores 3 points and an incorrect one scores -1 points, then
what is her score.''  Hmmm, I think I'll make this chauvinistic problem
more realistic by replacing  `Karen' with `Kevin.'

JANE (THOUGHTS):  I got it!  If all these exams were strung together
and spanned the grand canyon it could be an art piece called
``The futility of knowledge.''  Might get NEA funding.

(See the clock hands moving from 9:15 until 11:00.
The test ends.)

PRINCIPAL LI I will collect the tests now.
(She collects them.  Quick cut to Daria looking at her.)

DARIA (looking on) Hmmm, wonder why she's doing that.
I think I know. (The viewer does not know what is going on
at this point.)


(Everyone is gathered around a bulletin board
looking at the test scores.)

QUINN: Sandi! I got a higher score than you did. That means (cutoff)

SANDI: My score is closer to the average.  Mine is ever so
slightly above average, a graceful elegant score.
Yours is grossly above average.
Your score, like yourself, lacks flair and style.

QUINN: But my score is only 5 points higher than yours!

SANDI: Five unfashionable points.

QUINN: (To Tiffany) Whose smarter, me or Sandi?

TIFFANY: Oh definitely you are.

QUINN: Thats the wrong answer!

TIFFANY: Oh, in that case dumber, definitely dumber.
Much dumber.

QUINN: Thats no good either!

ONEIL: (The teacher who runs the self-esteems classes.)
Well, do you want to enroll in my self-esteem class?

QUINN: Oh that would be so uncool.  I'm feeling bad enough
thank you.

KEVIN: Oh look, I got half the questions right.  Or is that 
half the questions wrong?  Well, whatever, that's cool.

ONEIL: If you feel you got half wrong, see me for more

KEVIN: Not me.  I'm the esteem-leader.

MACK: Kevin, you mean team-leader.  And you're not.
I am.

KEVIN: Okay, you can be team-leader, and I can be

ONEIL: No, I'm the esteem-leader.
(Both Kevin and Mack look at him as though he's nuts)

KEVIN: But Mr. O'Neil, your not even on the team.

JANE: (to DARIA) Well you got the high  score.
No surprise there. 

DARIA: It also means 8 months of TV instead of gym for
me and you.

JANE: But look at this---
Brittany got the second highest IQ.  Maybe she got lucky---
after all, Kevin's ``GIVE ME AN A!'' strategy got him half the
questions right.

PRINCIPAL LI: (over the loud speaker)  Class, congratulations--- our
average IQ was high enough to qualify for the SMART money.
We'll be using it to upgrade the football field, buy new pom poms,
get art supplies, and also a new bio-chemistry lab.

DARIA: A bio-chemistry lab?  I wonder why?

PRINCIPAL LI: Daria Morgendorffer and Brittany Taylor, please come to the infirmary.


(Daria and Brittany are in the infirmary and are
having throat cultures taken. Li is there also,
but not having a throat culture taken.)


DARIA: Why are we here?

PRINCIPAL LI: I wanted complete privacy.

DARIA: What's wrong with your office.

PRINCIPAL LI: I think they bugged it after we won the
SMART money since they think we might have

DARIA: Did we cheat?

PRINCIPAL LI: Well, motivating you to do well isn't cheating.  

DARIA: Why are we getting our throat cultures taken?

PRINCIPAL LI: Well, uhhh, to make your trip to the
infirmary look normal.

DARIA: Sure, Brittany and I get our throat cultures taken
once a week.  Do you want some blood too?

PRINCIPAL LI: (mumbling) well, that would make things easier.

DARIA: What was that?


BRITTANY: (giggling) My throat culture might have some of Kevy's germs
in it so you might need to separate it out.

PRINCIPAL LI: (dead serious) Hmmm, I hadn't thought about that.
But we can handle it.  (Daria and Brittany look puzzled.)
Anyway, I called this meeting to tell you that I cannot, 
in good conscience, give you 8 months of skipping gym.

DARIA: Let me get this straight. You can, in good
conscience, bribe me to do well on an exam.
But you can't, in good conscience, live up to
your part of the bargain.

PRINCIPAL LI: No, but...

DARIA: So you put bribery above honesty in your hierarchy of morals.

PRINCIPAL LI: You didn't get the highest score.

DARIA: I know.  Brittany did.


DARIA: I saw you switch the exams.  You wanted me to try
really hard, but you didn't want me to actually skip gym class.

BRITTANY: Does this mean I get to skip gym class.
Actually, I don't want to.  I like gym.

PRINCIPAL LI: So you KNEW you didn't get the highest grade?
And you were going to take the reward anyway.

DARIA: How does that fit into your hierarchy of morals?

PRINCIPAL LI: Look, I can't let you skip gym class.

DARIA: Why not? Kevin gets to skip math class.

BRITTANY: But he's the QB!

DARIA: Brittany, stop that dumb girl act.  You got
the second highest----  Oh, actually the highest score
on the IQ test.  That must mean something.

BRITTANY (talking in a normal voice, not her squeak):
You said the IQ test was just another pointless measurement.
Besides, your score was lower then mine by 10 points, which
is not statistically significant.
(Daria and Li are amazed at the intelligence.)

DARIA: Why do you hide your intelligence.  And hide it very well
I might add.  So well that... Hmmm.

BRITTANY: I like my image to be bubbly, happy and fun.  Just like you
like your image to be cynical and smart.

DARIA: Why do you date Kevin?

BRITTANY (back to her squeak voice) Because he's the QB! Oh, I
forgot, I can drop the act.  I'm dating him for a study called
``How far has man evolved?'' where my hypothesis will be
``Not much''

DARIA: You're serious?

BRITTANY: I'm working with an anthropology  professor at a local university.
It helps the study to pretend I'm a bubblehead.

PRINCIPAL LI: Daria, I can't let you skip gym.  Brittany is going to
want the credit for getting the highest IQ in the school,
and when I give her that, it will be known that
you did not get the highest score, so you forfeit
your reward.

BRITTANY: Not so fast.  Why do you think I want to
be the highest IQ in the class?  Also, being a brain is
Daria's identity.  So heres the deal:  Daria keeps the
high IQ and the reward of skipping gym, I keep the
second highest IQ, and I get to skip the next
test of my choice.  

DARIA: Sounds good to me.

PRINCIPAL LI: If I don't go along with this, what happens?

DARIA: You are the only one who could have switched the exams.
We have proof that you did.

PRINCIPAL LI: What proof?

DARIA: On my exam, on the problem about Karen, I crossed out
``Karen'' and  put  ``Kevin.''  That PROVES that the
exam that YOU put into Brittany's envelope was mine.
If you don't go along with the deal, it will become
public that you switched the exams. And why.

PRINCIPAL LI: Okay. Deal.  But don't rest so secure.  Next year I might
not be so nice.  I might not even need you anymore.

(Daria and Brittany are walking out.)

BRITTANY: I wonder what she meant by that?

DARIA: Empty threats?  Lets hope so. 
Will getting the second highest score blow your cover?
Especially since 10 points isn't statistically significant.

BRITTANY: Most our classmates can't even spell `statistically significant'
The cheerleaders have a hard enough time spelling
`Lawndale' for the `GIVE ME AN L!' cheer.

DARIA: Want to... revive the lost art of intellectual discourse?

BRITTANY: Can't now--- I'm already late for my Advanced Quantum Mechanics
class I take at the local university.

DARIA: (To herself) Hmmm, yes, definitely smarter than I thought.



(Daria and Jane watching TV.)

DARIA: So it turns out that Brittany is smarter
than we thought.

JANE: Well, it would have been hard to be dumber than we thought.

DARIA: True enough.

(TV comes on.  Its SICK SAD WORLD.)

Schools that clone their best student!!
(The clip is shadowy but it is the exact same shot earlier
of Daria and Brittany getting there throat cultures taken,
and then the cultures going into a test tube and
lots of small Daria's and Brittany's coming out of the test tube.
Have one or two small Kevin's sneak in as well.)

(Daria looks at the screen amazed and dazed.)



1) The stories of C.E. Forman were my main inspiration.
I've read all of Forman's stuff and LIKED it. When I wrote
my story I used my thoughts of Forman's stuff to guide me.  
THIS story, IQ, does NOT have Forman's influence
since I read his stuff AFTER I wrote it.
I consider this more of a FANTASY piece.
(Formans stuff is available at 
the fanfiction sight off of
Look under fanfiction, and then under featured authors.
Kara Wild's stuff is also quite good and IF I had read it
before doing my stories THEN they would have been an inspiration.
Her fanfic is at the same place.
She HAS inspired me to make LONGER Author Notes.

2) My stories have a rough order: IQ is a fantasy piece
and not really in the timeline.
Aside from that the order is

There is NOT much continuity, but you may get
SOME back references.

3) Austin Covello's has an essay on Brittany being smarter
than she appears.
Look at the website mentioned above under essays.

4) A recent episode, PSYCHO THERAPY, has validated that Brittany's
grades are bad, thus making this story invalid.
However, I DID say it was a fantasy. So there!

5) This DARIA fanfic story is copyright 1999
and may be distributed freely in unaltered
form provided that authors name
and email are included.