  Been working. I suck at it. But before you tell me about my low self esteem, let me state why. In roughly ten days, I did thirty batches, and thoroughly enjoyed doing them. However, my concern for quality of work took the back burner, and it became a question of how much I could do. Since the job largely depends on people not making mistakes, this was an inordinately bad idea.
The peculiar thing was that i wasn't actually aware of my motivations, until i took a couple of days off, at Kurt's insistance. I knew I was worried about bills, but i was also had the notion that learning from my mistakes was the best way to go about it. It really isn't. Heaped on top of this was a fabulous inabilty to concentrate, remember, and process what i've been instructed to correct. So I got this email telling me I was taken off the project. It went on to ask me about the manual - (the manual that I largely ignored because i figured i had to know everything..) whether or not it was clear enough.
My reply: Hi I think the coding manual is pretty clear. It's me that's having the problems. Basically, I'm in a bad financial situation, and I've been blowing through these batches too fast. Also, I have trouble remembering things, and i have been going about coding the wrong way - I've not looked at the manual as much as i should have, believing that my mistakes will be my teachers. Clearly this is inadquate. I realised today that in additon to my own failing; the ipro program is not letting me read the QCers notes completely.
The arrow key to let me look at all the comments is greyed out, and entirely innaccessible. Basically, I'm only getting roughly one sentance of corrections, consequently missing half the instructions. I did realise, though, that i ought to be much more careful, and be more diligent. Thanks for the concern, and I am truly sorry for driving you and all the other QCers mental. I am going to make sure I go through the batches slower, and refer to the manual much more often. I was going to put in there somewhere that I didn't mean to excuse myself, but rather to give supporting reasons for my thickheadedness, but decided not to because of the that a statement like that can prove its own falseness.
Again, here i am with fear being my major motivation. Sigh. In additon to this little drama that played out in the wee hours of last night/this morning, I also went to see the doctor for advisement earlier that day. Lately, I've been immensely frustrated, upset, and, of course, tired and sore. Crying every day, slipping back into isolationist habits, and feeling entirely whacked out. Different from the lethargy of depression, but no less scary.
She advised me to increase the nighttime pill, walk every evening, and make sure Kurt gives me backrubs. Sound advice, I think. Have you noticed the horrible common thread in this post? Fear is NOT something to base your actions on. If your in physical danger, or in an emergency, fear can kill you, although it does give you that extra energy so you can run away faster, or hit harder. In the everyday world of making decisions, working, and other common, every day things, it's the touch of death.
A wise man once said that 'Fear is to the Devil what Faith is to God'. I think no matter your thoughts on religion, that the statement in essence is true; let fear motivate you, and you're setting yourself up for bad decisions made, stupid mistakes, and carelessness, because you are stuck in 'fight of flight' mode. In the spirit of last post, more demented links for you are on their way. Enjoy this one. Keep in mind that i'm not going to post any gross, overly explicit stuff without warning you. urlLink Flying viking kittens would like to take you somewhere 
