  HAHAAAAAA! Stupid illness! HAW! I'm not sick anymore, think I managed to kick the vestiges by sleeping and more sleeping. Of course, this means that I am not sleeping right now, at 4am, but it is a small price to pay for having the sensation of drowning in one's own mucus removed from one's person. Air is nice. Been reading "Bitch" by Elizabeth Wurtzel. At times, I have to put the book down because it's like getting socked in the gut. I know I wrote this before, but I do forget, being a semi-functional shut-in and all, that being female sucks ass.
One could say that about being a man, too, I suppose, but I have no experience of that, and a lot of experience having boobs. Reading "Bitch" reminded me of how I felt when I worked at the golfcourse. Every day when I was on matinence, I was asked by co-workers to have sex with them.They assumed, because I was female, that I didn't swear, couldn't pump gas, or drive. On one occasion, a co worker grabbed my ass and held on. Before that, another one stuck out two fingers and said "Why should you use these two fingers to masturbate? " I shook my head, I mean, what the fuck do you say to things like that? "Because they're mine," he said, this guy who was married to a woman who used to babysit me. What do you say to that? How do you react? It's stupid, but comments like that scare the hell out of me. Someone tried to rape me when I was nine, when I was in second year university, a guy tried to get into the shower with me in my dorm. So, when some guy says something like that to me, it's my knee-jerk response to be hostile, better to be thought of as a bitch than have this guy thinking I like and want his skanky attentions. I have this fear that the minute I'm even remotely nice to someone who sidles up to me at a bar, or makes a remark, that I'm just opening myself up for more of the same. Being a mouth was not an option at the golfcourse, because, well, it was a small hick place there, and any one getting on the unpopular list was going to be in a world of hurt.
If I had of reported the ass grab, there's no doubt in my mind that I would have been fired. The guy that did it was in the union, was senior to me by at least 15 years, and I was but a mere student peon. A few years before, a girl had been raped, actually raped, and The Powers That Be made her drop the suit. No one would come forward,on her behalf although there were other women that this guy handled. They didn't come forward because, one told me "Well, what would everybody think of me, then? What if he beat me up? i just can't. " I let the ass grab slide, although, I summoned up all my bravado, sounded off a fair amount of expletives at the Man With The Wandering Hands, and told him if he so much as breathed on me again, I would rupture his nutsack.
(We were alone, otherwise, I would have just laughed it off) He mumbled something scornfully about me being one of 'those liberated women types' and in the weeks that followed, I began a rumor that professed my homosexuality. In later years, I became the Beer Cart girl and Bartender. Guys from away, dressed in golfer clothes and sporting bitch tits told me where their hotel room was and that they would make a visit from me worth my while. Out drinking with my friends at the legion, the golfers would be there, drunken tourists, all remembering me because I had helped get them drunk in the first place. That summer, I got to slow dance with a plethora of bad smelling, drunken golfers, and I didn't even have the recourse to tell them to fuck off.
My boss let me know that. On golfcourse, or off, it didn't matter, Beer Cart Girl must always be the polite public servant. What I really notice now, in and after university, is that either you aren't taken seriously enough as a girl, or you're way too intense. I can't count how many times I've been told that I think too much. Guys who talk about puking and pooping their pants at the same time whilst drunk can't handle the fact that their girl might have tampons in her medicine cabinet. And girls who like sex, well, they're sluts. Girls who don't are frigid. I was a girl who didn't, and I was a 'Dyke'.
Or frigid, depending on who you talked to. Seriously, I know guys have it tough. I'm not going to sit here and pontificate on how girls have it way worse. I don't know, and I don't care, to be honest. Every single one of us has a bunch of problems, I think most can be attributed to socialization and bad choices, or whatever. I'm just saying: "I hate it. " There's no reason why guys have to be paragons of machismo, there is no logical reason why women get paid 70 cents on the dollar.
It sucks that it doesn't matter if you'll be a better cop, the native chick is going to get it first, although she couldn't pass the old physical standards. (They changed them, so that way, women could bet into the RCMP easier. Fuck that. I don't care if a cop is a male or female, but they had better be in shape, and be competent in their job. A woman trained and did *well* as a Navy SEAL in the US, you cannot reasonably tell me it's impossible for a woman to achieve the old standard of RCMP physicals. And, on a side note, those cops should stay in shape. I'm talking yearly physcials, you doughnut eating freaks. ) None of it is fair. 
