  YESTERDAY In a pretty maudlin mood lately, that�s why I haven�t been writing, I�d like to try to keep my whining at a minimum. But you know, I�m sitting here, listening to Sigur Ros, just after watching �It�s A Wonderful Life,� and I�m drifting off into sad sackness. Was thinking about my parents earlier, wondering if they�re okay. I talk to them, sure, but my parents are not the most vocal of people sometimes, especially when they think information they have may depress me. Understandable, but then I get to thinking about what sort of state their in, and my imagination is about 5 times worse than real life most days. Mom�s not putting up a tree this year, since I�m out, my sister is out, her boarder is out, and that leaves her and Dad.
Usually, she has her friend and son over, but this year they�re Christmasing elsewhere. Mom and her brother are on the outs. So, pretty lonely time for them in the big bad city. Landlord dropped by yesterday, we owe him a grand as of January first. Forget the other bills. Car insurance is up the 20th December, so I�m taking out a payday loan from money mart tomorrow. I�m in sort of weird headspace right now. I want to go home, but at the same time, not. Home is where?
No house where I grew up in, my parents are provinces away, my extended family, oh sweet Jesus, my extended family- they made a large three hour production about how lazy I am because I don�t match my socks. My grandmother greets me with either �You�ve gained weight.� Or, the more positive �You didn�t gain weight.� My sis is there, and three of my very dear friends, but the social niche I had there once is pretty shot.
Nobody�s fault, stuff changes all the time, and I know I�ve not been the most charitable of friends. I completely lost patience with a friend I�ve has since adolescence. We have a longstanding disagreement. I think she�s an idiot. She thinks I�m an idiot. Somewhere along the way, our priorities changed. There�s a saying; your friends know your faults, and they like you anyway. Me and this girl (Let�s call her Cornflake Girl) got to that point where we saw each other�s faults, and couldn�t reconcile them anymore. I was too hurt, she was too henpecked by me, and there you go. CG, however, is an integral part of the aforementioned social circle. There are three of us in this group. CG and I don�t get along. CG and Traveler don�t get along real well.
And then there�s Closed Door. CD and CG get along all right, Traveler and CD are having troubles, and Traveler is also having the same sort of problem I had with CG. In other words, it�s sort of like an after-school drama gone horribly awry. And to be completely pragmatic, it�s a huge pain in the ass to go deal with. But the ass pain is worth seeing Traveler, Sweetness, and Solace. Guess I�m just sick of things being one annoying slog after another.
Ever notice how things seem heavier after a rough day, a bout of depression, or constipation? It�s like that, I think. I know a few of you have been reading and thinking �Oh shit, she�s going to by a gun, and after killing everyone else that�s ever pissed her off, she�s going to turn the gun on herself� Not so. These articles are an excerpt, taken out of context. Don�t get me wrong, the feelings are real, but I�m not going to write about everything that happens, so that leaves out a lot of the good an indifferent stuff that happens during the run of the day. What ends up on these articles is stuff I can�t seem to shake off. It�s easy for me, and unfortunate, that I forget the amazing sex I had this morning, the kid that I made faces with at the doctors office the other day, the most relieving pee I ever had yesterday, and petting the two adorable fat puppies in Ass End with Pink the other week. Nah, that isn�t the stuff I end up thinking about at the end of the day. And it really should be, so, as a way to ease the minds of my Dear Avid Reader, I�ll put in one good thing I remember from the day I write.
If there isn�t anything, I�ll put in a funny joke or website. Sound cool? All righty. I�ll start this tomorrow, or the next journal entry. K, so since I didn�t get on last night to post, this is my next entry. In order to pay for insurance, I had to get a pay day loan, drove into Zee City, hung out with The Boy Named Sue for a while. Most of the day, actually. He�s going to ask his girl to marry him. Lucky girl, I thought, The Boy Named Sue is an excellent catch. So, I spent many hours laughing my ass of at his jokes, drank green tea, it was nice. Nicer to come home to Kurt and the Zoo, though.
I did not get the pay day loan, as I had out an out-of-province check, I haven�t been employed for six months, and I didn�t take a phone bill with me. These nuances would have been helpful on the phone, rather than driving 2 hours for little reason. Boy named Sue, like many other people I know, wanted to get the skinny on being married. I told him that it was the same as not being married, and living together, except it�s completely different. The difference is subtle, but all encompassing; like waking up one morning and seeing everything in color when you�re accoustmed to seeing in black and white. Your brain take a while to process it, and then, everything is new. I go to the head shrinker tomorrow. I do not want to go, but it�s the right thing to do I suppose. Details to follow.... 
