  Ugh. Nightmares and crying, and other associated crap has been baraging me for days (weeks, months, yeaaaaaaaaars). You know how you get a flu, and you have the flu for an inordinate amount of time, and it simply will not fuck off and die? Similar situation here. I'm sick of being sad, anxious, overwhelmingly grieved. I'm dead sick of waking up, and feeling Very Disappointed when I realise it's another day. And, boy, do I ever feel bad for the people around me, Kurt must ask me if I'm okay forty thousand times a day, he has to deal with my widely divergent insecurites day in, and day out, and my family, well, my family has been at it for years. And the worst bit is that I know, distantly, academically, that how I feel is somehow fake, it's a chemical screw up, and I'm not always going to feel like this forever, but, I can't bring that thought in close enough to be any comfort at all. Instead, I feel this need to feel anything else. This thought often pushes out other thoughts, and it's immmense. Yeah, I know, depressing. Everything else is fine, I'm getting On the Books at work, so as I can be all official, and draw pogey if ever i need it.
(That will be in a million years, after 900 hours of work or so. ) I'm happy about it, makes me feel secure, like I'm all invested in the job. Not that I'm not already emotionally invested - it's hard to explain. Anyways, the point: I feel good about it. Suggests to me I'm going to be there for a while, and I like that. On the other side of things I am terribly afraid something will happen, and i won't be able to work, or cope with work, and have to lie in a bed and stare at comfortable corners.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop sucks, especially when it has dropped, with force and nastiness, a hundred times before. Kurt and I are managing to slowly pay the bills. Slowly. The animals are healthy. Also, Kurt's teaching me how to fight. 
