  Watched "The Thin Red Line" this morning with Kurt; very good movie if you feel like getting into the head of soldiers. I really like it; it's thoughtful and disjointed, mixed with moments of disgust and compassion, and a lot of fear. I would think that would be how an individual would experience a war. I think I understand a little better why it is the military so diligently brainwashes their recruits - otherwise, they'd be running to the hills to save themselves rather than, say running into enemy fire, all cannon fodder-y.
Makes me think of ants, really. The way ants are set up would probably be ideal for the military; no indiviuals, protect the queen at all costs. I would suck at being a soldier. Got major commitment problems, I dislike authority intensely. Dying for my country seems rather laughable, and there's that whole lazy thing. (Dying for your country is fine. Really, though, as of late, you're dying for your politicans, and that's just incorrect. ) Makes me think of sports teams.
In high school, I joined a few teams to have something to do rather than anything else. I'm not competitive, but in those days, I was not lazy. I wasn't very good at them. I was recruited for rugby in my first year, though, and i refused. Basically, I didn't want to drink, and if you're a rugby player, you may do that a shade more than actually playing the game. The other reason was that you were expected to go to every practice, whether you're sick or injured or whatever. Commitment problems. I have a deep seated need to not do what I'm obliged to, soley based on the fact that I'm 'supposed' to do it. If someone asks me for a favor, I will, if possible, bend over backwards to accomadate. (I need to be needed.
) However, if something has to be done because it's expected, or someone tells me (or implies) I must, I won't do it, or, at least, do it under great duress. For example, when I was in residence, there were 'mandatory' floor meetings. I never went, unless the RA personally came up to me and asked me to go. Then, I guess I felt that it was ok, that I was needed to go. Weird, really. Never noticed how pathological this contrariness was until I started dating Kurt, and realised that if he said something postive "I love it when you rub my back," I'd avoid doing that particular thing unless he asked me.
The fact that we got married at all suggests to me that he is a most persistant individual, and that I may be growing out of being contrary. At least, I hope so. How insane is that, that I can't comply with orders or suggestions? I don't think it's because I'm proud. (I hope I'm not proud...) The loudmouth guy was silenced this evening. I believe other pissed off neighbours, faced with another night of the asshole yelling his face off, called the police. Cool. I've called the cops now twice in the last three weeks, I have no desire to keep doing so.
Commitment problems.
Wow, did I have bunch. Still do if I think hard enough about it. I mean, there were a lot of nice boys saying nice things to me way back there. But, I refused them, told them off, scared the living crap out of them, and went after the ones that were mostly inaccessible because, hey, little risk of actual involvement.
When involvement became an issue, I disappeared. When they cooled off, I'd resume my admiring. It must have been utterly infuriating. You know, maybe that's why I'm not writing. I've got the time, I've got the stories. I'm just not DOING it. Commitment problems? (Laziness?
) 
