  I'm still up at this, the golden hour of five, because I was a reciepient of a disturbing phone call.You know the one, the 2.30am one that stops your heart, and makes you wonder which member of the planet that you love has slid off. Lucky for me, it wasn't one of those calls. Instead, it was a call from someone who felt like she really ought to slide off. I spoke to her for two hours. I am more concerned about her now than I was before the phone call, worried that I somehow made things worse for her. Maybe not, though, certainly, from her view, things can't get all that worse. I know she thinks about killing herself a lot. She's a lot like how I am that way, thinking she is a burden to all, that her lot in life is to shut up and deal. She has shut up and dealt with a lot, losing her father to cancer when their relationship was just starting to be a good one, her husband getting cancer twice, her husband getting into a car accident that broke his spine, she raised two kids, and for a long time was the sole breadwinner in her family.
Her kids never wanted for anything, they turned out pretty nice, but I'm not entirely sure she's ever been happy. She wants her Dad back, she wants a reason to quit drinking every night, and no one seems capable of giving her that reason. What can be done? What can anyone do? Is there anything? Hope and pray and love her, somehow, that doesn't seem enough.
There really does seem to be a metric ton of garbage everywhere sometimes. Nothing fits, nothing seems right. Kurt often uses this negativity as a testament to God; he says we're like babies, in the womb, with lungs. The feelings of everything sucking is our lungs, and is proof that here, on this wild and weird mudball, isn't where we're supposed to be. That gives the garbage purpose, and i must say, it's a damn sight better theory than that whole "The Lord is testing us" crap. I've always hated that, and the other, equally trite and annoying sentiment of "We don't know God's mind...he works in mysterious ways" Yeah, I know. Definitely don't want to hear that when a tragedy happens, though. I know, though, and this is really deep down, buried under a bunch of crap, but I know that there are amazing, beautiful hopeful things about this place that, if not make the garbage worthwhile, at least makes an attempt to balance it.
And, I do really think God is the master oppourtunist, he finds ways of turning crap around, almost always, if you come to think about it. I mean, I can look all over my life and see the slime, but all that slime has made me who I am, showed me my friends, gave me Kurt, and Lucas, and showed me what family means. That's a least quasi miraculous, eh? Well, enough highlighting the garbage inherent in my life. It's Haiku time. Five in the morning Another night passes by Candy makes me fat 
