  4.12 am It�s been rainy and wet here for the last week or so. I think I�d almost prefer snow to it; nothing gets done with the rain.
It rains, it gets dried up, all in all, I prefer lasting evidence of precipitation. Of course, on our sojourn here, I failed to pack mitts, scarves, hats, etc. (Hey now, it was august, who thinks months in advance? I even forgot socks�) Another sleepless night for me. I hate it, not sleeping is uncomfortable at the least for me, but at the same time, I enjoy the prescribed silence, the aloneness. It�s not like it was for me in the past (I�ve been a veteran insomniac since high school) I was lonely then. Nighttimes were peaceful, but sad. My family, friends, pets, roommates all were breathing quietly, sleeping, as if it were no effort.
Kurt, however, has given me permission to wake him, and I�ve only done so once, but it gives me a lot of comfort to know that I can wake him up if I need to, and that he won�t be pissy at me for doing so. Watched a documentary on depression last night. It didn�t tell me anything terrifically new, as I�m morbidly informed on this disease and its treatments. One thing interested me though; patients with depression, as well as other mental disorders have a marked difference in their brains. That means a person can see it. They can see the disease, detect it, look at it, and be able to say �Yes. This is a physical thing.� My extended family on my mothers� side have always had the notion that depression was a character flaw; that I could snap out of it at any time. When my meds began to work, they advised me to get off the drugs, that I clearly didn�t need them anymore. I would patiently explain that the reason I was better was because I was taking the pills, that ceasing them would, or �the dope� as my grandmother calls it. Among the other notions they have: I�m lazy, irresponsible, and unstable. It�s hard to argue with the last, I�m lazy because the drugs I were on that �helped� me �sleep� knocked me out cold for twelve hours. I slept during the day (because when I didn�t take my pills, nights were spent like this. ) I�m not sure where the irresponsible thing came in.
It is consoling that they take the same hard line against every one else in the family. Different criticisms, same results; the frustration that abounds in the accused, and the pressing need of the same to avoid the family. My puppy, Cordy, a loveable half-Rotweiler, half Shepard, jumped into the shower with us this evening. Of course, since the opportunity presented itself, Kurt and I gave her an impromptu bath. She was unimpressed with us, but still maintains the same ardour and zeal for the bathroom. Lucas, my pride and joy, will not go near the bathroom, even if there were an entire rump roast on the floor.
He hates water. Ironic, since his heritage gives him webbed feet and a coat designed to get wet. Everyone must experience this guy's paintings. They�re wonderful, surreal, and disturbing. http://www.markryden.com/ Blood test tomorrow (later! ) to determine if i have another illness. I almost wish i did, missing work would feel more leigitimate to me. 
