  A friend wrote with reference to my one of my blog entries. He asked me �what makes a person more, or less?� this is reference to me writing earlier that I feel less with this illness. Boy, do I ever. I guess the important thing to note here is that feelings do not give a person an accurate sense of reality. As a really lame example, you may feel purple. You don�t look purple, you don�t smell purple, but purple you really, really feel you are.
How many times have your feelings fooled you? How many times have you thought you were in love, then, all of the sudden, you really fell in love, and you realised the feelings previous were fondness, lust, or a combination of these and other feelings? Feelings can betray you. For me, they do to the point of messing up my worldview, my sense of reality, in such a way that I don�t know my arse from my elbow. I have no idea what I look like, save for in the vaguest sense (I have brown hair, brown eyes, I�m about 160 cm. My hair is long and curly. I don�t know if I am overweight, although I know I am not skinny. People vary when they tell me what I look like, I�ve been compared to everyone from Eddie Vedder to Julia Ormond.
Basically, I don�t know what I look like to others. I suppose it doesn�t matter. I�d still like to know, though) My reality right now is that I am less than pretty much everyone. Less because I see myself as not functioning properly. I am hard pressed to cite someone I view as less than me, because, like everybody, I give other people the benefit of the doubt.
Of course, I�m not as forgiving with myself. Stupid, really, but I don�t have much control over what I feel, and, maybe the essence of this illness is that your feelings control you, whereas perhaps a healthy person would be able to dismiss, get over, or otherwise cope with these feeling of worthlessness, doubt, self-loathing, etc. What is a person worth? If you are human, according to Christian doctrine, you are worth Jesus Christ. (Please note the requirement is merely being human. Not a damn thing else. ) Pretty amazing, not to mention scary. If you are a Buddhist, your worth your service and compassion to other people, but the ultimate truth there is that you are nothing in the end, soulless (according to some sects). You are a non-self connected to the divine. Most folks, well, I think it�s pretty individual as to what they feel they�re worth, so I�ll say, I�m not sure. What are my family members worth? (This includes, friends, my husband, my dear and precious animals) Before, I would say that I�d die for them. Now, what I�m saying is that I�m trying to live for them. They are worth me trying my hardest to get out of the funk I�m in, and they�re worth me growing old with them, and seeing them grow old. Holding their hand when they�re sick, getting silly drunk if the situation calls for it, sharing my experiences with them.
This is what they�re worth. What am I worth? I wish I knew. I am going to write more later dealing with daily events. And, as I don�t know why my new settings aren�t taking, I�ll leave a note here; if you want to give me feedback, whether it be to ask a question, give me advice, or to let me know I�m a big moron, and, were this a hardcopy journal, you wouldn�t wipe your ass with the pages. You know, anything. My email address is trickyhighlands@hotmail.com 
