  I wasn't going to write about this. I woke up on the17th with a bruise sort of pain. On my ass. I had no idea how a bruise would get on my ass, and in such a place on my ass, but i did recall that years ago, i had crashed a bike pretty damn good, and this was a similar pain, so i thought 'yeah, this is a bruise. ' I haven't ridden a bike in three years. So, the orgins of said bruise were wrapped in mystery Still, it was a bruise.
On my ass. In between my cheeks. Right-o. Days later. The pain, instead of going away has intensified to a whining scream. Weird, thought I, but since it's in such a funny place, it only stands to reason that the bruise wouldn't heal so good- there's perpetual pressure going on there.
On the 29th, i just about beat the poop out of my dog. For barking. Peculiar, since this is something that dogs do, and i do encourage Lucas to be a watch dog. He was doing his guard dog job, and i thought about killing him (just for a second) to shut him up. The pain now has become absolutely excruciating, and nothing could relieve it. I had three scalding baths that day.
I also blacked out a couple times. Woke up the morning, of the 30th, and it was a countdown to 5pm, when the walk-in clinic opened. Walking in presented a problem. It took hours, and went sort of like this: Shuffle shuffle. "Lord, please strike me dead. " Shuffle shuffle.
"The last thing i want to do today is show a doctor my arse. It's a bruise. i'm overreacting. " Shuffle shuffle. "I don't need to show these good people my ass. " Shuffle shuffle.
"I wonder, if i hitchhike, will someone pick me up? " Shuffle shuffle. "Owowowowowowow. " Shuffle shuffle. I get to the clinic. The receptionist does her receptionist thing, and asks "And what is the reason for your visit?
" I lean over, and whisper. "I have a horrible pain in my bum. " She blinks a few times. "I'm sorry? Could you say that again? " "I have a Bad Pain in my Bum" "Uh, you mean, down there?
" "Yes," I hiss. "All right, please take a seat. Er..." I was stunned by the speed of nonwaiting. I had come in behind a few people, and yet i had the dubious honor of being first to be called in. The nurse chatted me up, looked at my bum, andfussed over me a bit. "You walked HERE?
You weren't taking anything at all for the pain? Bless your heart. " The doctor came in almost right away, and he looked at my bum. He poufed , and came back with another doctor's name on a percription slip. Told me i had to go a town over to the hospital, and it wasn't in my best interests to wait. I had an abcess on my tender rear, and it had to be drained immediately.
The doctor on the slip would fix me. I phoned pizzamomma from the waiting room phone to ask her to come get me from the clinic and take me to Emergency. Worried, she asked me what was wrong. Embarassment hit again. (Waiting room with a few people in it. Was not going to mention to the room that i had something amounting to a HUGE pimple on my butt.
) and i said not to worry, and that i'd tell her once she came and got me. My doctor was Thai, with a Very Efficient manner, but quite friendly nonetheless. The nurses were not of the soul-sucking bitch variety i had encountered countless time in C-City. They were nice, and they clucked their sympathy. Eat fiber, folks. You do not want this happening to you.
They taped my buttcheeks open. How's THAT for vulnerabilty...? The doctor applied local anasthetic, and i still ended up passing out from the pain. He let me know that this is something that becomes easier to get after the first time, and that i had to change my diet, and address my weight. 'And,' he added, 'The next time it will be an operation, and we'll have to put you to sleep. ' Gahh.
All in all, it was an entirely unpleasant, embarassing and a horribly bodily experience. But, it was definitely funny. For instance, it was pizzamomma's birthday. At one point i moaned to her that this was no way to spend a birthday, but she told me that now she'll always remember her 25th. They sent me home with a perscription for pennicilin, gauze between my buttcheeks, a list of things to buy from the pharmacy, and a new hole in my ass the size and shape of a cap of toothpaste. Standing up felt like a song - it didn't hurt any more!
Well, it hurt some. But not in comparison to previously. Unfortunately, around11pm, the local anasthetic wore off. And that's where i'm at now - hobbling about in pain. In my ass. 
