  whaaaaaaaat???? :) i haven't been able to post anything since the holidays started. things were ABSOLUTELY chaotic here but the noise has died down now and i'm back to my old routine - tv, tv, and more tv. meanwhile, normal people in the normal world are back at work or at school. i don't know if it's just me but it seems like the more i stay at home, the more i don't want to go out. i'm turning 23 at the end of the month and i'm still where i was when i was 22. i don't want to get into a beat-myself-up mode coz once i start one of those.. well it's hard to get out of it but i can't help it.
i'm restless, i'm embarassed, i feel useless, worthless, and insecure coz i don't have a job. it's been almost a year since i graduated and i'm still nowhere. i quit the first job i ever had after a month coz i felt like the people were mean to me. or maybe i was just having trouble adjusting to a work environment. maybe it wasn't the right job for me. who knows?
my mom thinks i'm just a big softie or a coward maybe. i've always been the girl with the big potential but what's potential when there's no motivation, no drive, no passion, no determination, no courage, no strength behind it. i'm afraid those things i lack and how to get them is one thing i don't know. in college i thought i knew everything. i went to the best university in the country and before that, to one of the best high schools in the country. but no one can teach you what you want or tell you what your purpose in life is.
and that's just it. i'm on a big plateau going round and round but not really getting anywhere coz i don't know where to go. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. i know what i DON'T want though. i don't want to get stuck in a job where i'm not happy. happiness is such an elusive thing.
like right now, some people might actually think i have a great life. i mean, i get to choose between a big house or a condo to slug around all day in. i have a great car, good food, nice clothes, bags, shoes, big screen TVs, a cellphone, a laptop - everything. and i don't even have to pay for any of the miscellaneous expenses that come with those things like cellphone bills or gas money or repairs. i have typically everything that generous, loving, wealthy parents would give to their child. it sounds like i'm bragging but i'm not.
i'm not proud of the way i'm living my life right now on this damned plateau. i'm totally miserable because i can't just be this. a slug! a clown! a sidekick! i go around and cheer people up or make them laugh.
i run a few errands for my parents. but mostly, i'm furniture. that's the most use that i've been to anyone. this can't be all there is to me or for me. i just don't know what i want to do. when i'm alone, i think so much.
i worry. i stress. i plan. but nothing happens. they all stay in my head all jumbled up. i can't make up my mind.
maybe because most of my life i've been given things before i ask or before i even want it. i don't know how to want or how to make a decision because i'm used to having things served to me on a silver platter. what do i do? it's like i have everything and i have nothing. it doesn't make me feel good to still be living off my parents like this. i know they have money and they don't complain but still it doesn't feel right to me.
i want to make my own money, buy my own things, earn my own living. i guess that's another reason why i don't go out much. unless it's an absolute necessity, i avoid asking my parents for money. sometimes i don't even have money to buy a pack of cigarettes so i have to bum off my sister all the time and sometimes she gives me these looks.. it just diminishes me. *deep breath* anyways.. like i said, it's hard for me to stop once i start talking about this. i guess that's why i started EVE'S PLATEAU coz my family, my boyfriend, and my friends are probably gonna sew my lips together if they even suspect i'm gonna start talking about all THAT again.
in real life, people always think i'm such a happy-go-lucky laid back person most of the time. they probably wouldn't believe i'm really that bothered with something. usually they think that i just like to bug people with petty things. petty things! it's not trivial to ME! hey, it's my LIFE after all!
anyways they always tell me i'm makulit . uuh.. whatever! :p (by the way, i was thinking of changing the URL to just plain "eves.blogspot.com" coz i thought people might have a hard time remembering or spelling "evesplateau.blogspot.com". i mean it's kinda long, but then again a person who can't spell P-L-A-T-E-A-U probably won't be interested in a blog that has it in the title.. right? so the URL stays! ). 
