  Anticipating what may be in my inbox this morning kept me under the sheets until after noon. That, and the hangover headache from letting a bit of pain devolve into a flat-out mind number. Opened up the blow-up bed on the living room floor and watched my favorite depressor film, La Pianiste. Nothing in my inbox to frighten me. just some lovely notes from people I love. What was I afraid of? Someone laughing at my weaknesses made verbal. Someone poking at my self-absorption. Nothing anyone could say would match my own chiding. Had the most interesting dream last night that I cant write about; it makes no realistic sense to put words to it. something about Leslie and some intuitive, structured performance of some kind that we shared and made beautiful. Like I was inside a computer, really. And then later some guy kept pushing me down and stepping on my back and compressing my insides to where I kept losing the air in my lungs.
Damned boy! Oh, and that Rallin was on tv on some commercial, and I was cracking up being able to show him off to my world outside of school. Laughing because he was being exactly the person I describe very self-satisfied was I. strange night in my head. The sky is cold and grey with promise of more of the same. Still no car and still no money, so I may take a walk in bundled clothing to get some air and gather my thoughts.
Get some real world interaction that goes beyond listening to Bareback er Saddleback Colleges radio station. Should I make a move to have a party this weekend? Theyve been so hard to plan with everyones schedules but I need to go thru the motions at least. Like taking a shower today and getting the mail (where on earth is that check!!? I need to pay my f-ing bills already! ) 
