  12.02.2001 hi everyone! to those of you i've yet to email, yes i made it here in one piece. what a beautiful city bolzano is. true, it's winter and grey, but it's beautiful to me. quite the northern european mountain town. it's coldish, around 40 most of the time.
but i'm bundled up appropriately, so the cold is more of an invigorating force than a troublesome one. my new family here is wonderful. the parents and i get along really well. i think we have a mutual respect worked out already. jacopo, the boy, is a bit shy with me, but that's expected considering he's 12 and there's a new girl in the household. ludovica is a doll.
she demands a lot of my attention, but i'm willing to give it. she's so beautiful! their whole family is. my language acquisition is coming along slowly. it's amazing how much i'm having to depend on body language to understand what's going on when they're speaking italian. also, ludo is giving me vocabulary hoework assignments every couple of days to help me along.
it's strange having everyone speak italian and german. everyone has to know both to be employed here. it's the law. once in a blue moon i'll encounter a friend of the folks who speaks english (british), but other than that, i'm a mute. ha! me, quiet.
who'd have thought! i have a mobile number that i can receive calls on if anyone wants to... the number is 011-39-333-138-0507. it costs me a bundle to call out (imagine an international call on a cell! ), but it's nearly nothing for me to receive. to make it cheaper on y'all, try using 101-6868. i think that makes it only like 15cents a minute for you. here's the website for more info: http://www.101-6868.com/101-6868_Rates.html remember, i'm 9 hours ahead of you folks in san diego. call anytime though before midnight my time.
i'd love to hear from all of you (and emails are nice too)! i'm making my way here. last night i finally braved the supermarket on my own. 2000 lire equals about a buck, so imagine the mental calculations that have to occur. it's a pain. luckily though, things are a lot cheaper here.
clothes aren't (what a bunch of fashion whores italians are! ), but things like beer and smokes, my staples, are half the price. thank your government for making that so :) let's see... my apartment is finally taking shape now that i've had a chance to organize it. i have a beautiful view of the mountains, shrouded with fog/rain/snow today, and the beautiful traditionally european home next door. wooden shutters, intricate iron work, plant tendrils hanging from the balconies. my kitchen is about the size of a closet (no, not your closet, candice.
i only wish), but it's functional. yesterday manuela bought me dishes so i can put my skills to use. the food here is good. nothing spectacular so far... although with friends like mine at home, i'm used to killer meals already. the difference is the way we eat, in courses. first pasta, then meat, then salad, then fruit.
it's fun getting to focus attention on each thing rather than having the whole mess piled on one plate... there's more dished though this way, and guess who gets to do them :) i've yet to try the wine. i have a bottle in my apartment, but i've been drinking moretti most of the time instead. there are grape vines in almost everyone's yard. i can see some out my window. Ludo wants to say hello to everyone: I'm very happy with Charlotte. She is very nice.
i play mario cart with Charlotte.bye,ciao!!! aw, how sweet. well, the family is here, and i really shouldn't spend too much more time on the computer than i already have. i still need to read my sunday new york times on the web for my sunday to be complete. i'm doing alright. adjusting quicker than i expected.
of course, i'm a bit lonely. i feel like regan, 'the great communicator' reduced to the most basic foundations. ok, so it's not that dramatic, but i feel the connection. i'll write again. and sorry if i took so long to say hello to all of you. again, feel free to call and write.
ciao, charlotte 12.04.2001 god this keyboard is weird. i have to hit ctrl, alt, and another key just to get the @ symbol to appear. there's four symbols on one key! ok... well, i'm doing very well today. tonight i was left alone to cook for the kids. ludo is so demanding for my attention, it's starting to become an irritation.
like, back off, kid. i /am/ an adult. i don't know... it's nice to be wanted, but she takes it a little too far. just time to draw some boundaries of what's acceptable. she just wants to play. manuela took me out shopping at the grocery store, the big one rather than the little one down the street.
once a week, we go shopping at the big store. it's like ralph's only smaller. we buy our fruits and veggies at another store, a little shop really. they deliver the produce to the door later on. manu decided it would be fun for me to cook mexican for the kids one night, so she bought some taco shells (a ridiculous looking 'kit' to make 'em) and some tortilla chips and salsa of questionable origin. ick, but i'll manage.
tonight we had a veggie soup with bits of pasta like orzo... i dunno what it is. the veggies were a bag of finely chopped who-knows-what, plus some potatos that i added. it cooked all day, making it easy on me because i had manu helping me get it almost finished. no garbage disposal here either, so the clean up is a bit more involved. also, we had some beef and a salad. the meals go: soup or pasta first, then the meat, then the salad, then fruit if that's a part of it.
it's interesting, eating here. i'm still super self-conscious about cooking. but the kids seemed to like it, so i didn't fail too miserably. ha. i did fine. i knew i would.
but still, i want to be as perfect as possible, impressing them at every turn. it's just my nature. or dad's training, i don't know which :) at the store, manu bought me a pan and a pot so that i can cook finally. i picked up a bottle of wine and some beer that manu insisted is the best, a spanish brand called san miguel. i'll check it out when i get home. also, the thing to eat for 'snacks' here is a plate of cheeses, bread, and proscuitto.
there's this special type of prosciutto from this region called speck (yes, that's how it's spelled) that's insanely good. you don't put all the elements together. rather, you eat them separately. it's fun. their kitchen is nice but tiny. granite and gas, a really well done kitchen for the space.
fridge hidden as cupboards, all of that. like i said, no garbal. cans don't recycle here... bottles and trash go in separate receptacles on the street. hm... no ice cubes. europeans don't like ice i guess. manu looked at me like i had two heads when i poured coffee over the ice that i could find in the freezer.
oh well. i asked for another hug today before she left town. she laughed and gave one to me, saying that it was so sweet. i need mommy love over here being so far away from home! she's warming up to me i can tell. treating me more like a friend/part of the family than a new addition.
also, i thought it would be nice to write her a quick note letting her know that she can talk to me about anything she needs to, that i'm open to hear her concerns (where i'm concerned), and that i realise that this is also an adjustment for her too. she loved the gesture. and i feel better. i think that really helped her to understand where i'm coming from. hm. this weekend i think the plan, at least for a portion of it, is to go with fabrizio (the z is more like a t) and the kids up to the mountains (a whole 20 min away) so that he can show me the view and get out of dodge.
not that this adorable village/town is anything one needs to get away from, but he's excited to show me his world. and hell, i can't wait! he promised me some spectacular views. he's such a nice guy. he wants me to meet his parents this weekend as well. he warned me though that they do not speak any english, but that it isn't the point.
i'm learning more and more what communication can take place without the use of verbal or written language. speaking of language, ludo gave me some homework last night. body parts in italian. i memorized them all in a night, gaining her and her fathers' kudos. i'm impressed myself. but then again, italian is all i'm hearing.
and my understanding is key for my social survival outside of the household. and within where ludo is concerned. manu mentioned today that she let a few people my age know that i'm here. a possible social outlet! there's a boy who's 21 and a girl who's 18. good enough. that'll come later, my meeting them.
but there's hope of cultivating a life for myself in bolzano. also, manu wants me to meet a couple of young men (23-25) who she thinks are hot. "but too young for me. " interesting... i get the feeling that the parents live two different lives in more ways than what you'd assume. i asked manu today how it was that she lost 20kilos, and she replied "being in love. " ok, now... we all know that it's really hard to stay in love, that level of it anyway, with someone you've been married to for a long(ish) time.
ok, i don't want to know. what's good for them is good period. ok. Ludo wants to say hello to everyone. I'm Ludovica and Charlotte is so nice to me.I am the italien teacher to Charlotte!!!bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, it's time for me to go upstairs now. i hope everything's well with y'all.
ciao, charlotte 12.04.2001 hi again. ah, another free morning. the sky looks as if it's scheming an attack of rain today. i suppose i don't mind so long as i remember to borrow an umbrella from the fam. for now, i'm safely inside their house with my email and some CDs. manuela is at work until about one, so i've got the place to myself for a bit.
yesterday was difficult. i found myself sitting on the floor of their living room looking out the window deep in thought when the tears came choking up to the surface. it wasn't for any reason in particular, anything specific that i was thinking about... just a general sadness, feeling sorry for myself for being so alone, i dunno. like a puppy, i slinked into the room where manuela was sitting and set myself down on the floor at her feet. i just need to connect with people. i realise it's a lot to ask of the parents to function as my social outlets in addition to what already constitutes their lives.
but hell, they're the only ones who i have contact with who understand english. i pulled myself together enough to stop crying so that i could take up manu's offer to go out for a coffee. macchiatos are fantastic. i was hoping this offer had something to do with sitting down and a conversation, but it ended up being another episode of charlotte the lost puppy. she downed her drink and drug me around town to talk to some folks about a business situation. so there i stand, acting mute (which i am for god's sake) and staring out the windows once again, trying not to look bored or impatient.
thanks manuela. i feel much better now. we got out the christmas crap out of the basement and put up some decorations. remembering that i'm going to be away from my family for the holidays was another blow to my sense of security and happiness. so i grabbed my journal from upstairs and went to it. i have to say that all this stifled communication has augmented my ability to write.
but what purpose does this serve? i need human connection, not a bunch of lifeless pages that will be an interesting read years from now. by the end of the day, i felt much better. i had mom call, and we spoke for about 30 minutes. ah, english. and someone who knows me!
also, picking ludo up from school and just being around her trouble-free smiling face was an uplifter. dinner was great. i did the dishes and almost ran upstairs to finish off a bottle of wine and write some more. headphones and load music are a must in the evenings. shit, it's not like the german and italian tv is going to distract me from my solitude. hopefully today i'll make some headway in terms of contacting some acquaintances of the parents who speak english and are somewhere around my age.
other plans include a trip to the market for some food and wine. i've got to make deliberate efforts to do the simplest, most basic things. ok. well, i ought to go. i hope all is well in the states. love, charlotte 12.04.2001 again at the computer. i've realised that getting myself downstairs in the morning while everyone is either at work or school is the best thing to allow me to actually get some writing done.
my music, no distractions, no eyes over my shoulder (even if they can't read it)... i can drink iced coffee without people looking at me like i've grown six heads. i've got a little bit of p.funk and james brown on the stereo. and i still have an hour here to myself before manu returns from work. yesterday was difficult for me.i found myself sitting on the floor of their living room looking out the window deep in thought when the tears came choking up to the surface. it wasn't for any reason in particular, anything specific that i was thinking about... just a general sadness, feeling sorry for myself for being so alone, i dunno. like a puppy, i slinked into the room where manuela was sitting and set myself down on the floor at her feet.
i just need to connect with people. i realise it's a lot to ask of the parents to function as my social outlets in addition to what already constitutes their lives. but hell, they're the only ones who i have contact with who understand english. i pulled myself together enough to stop crying so that i could take up manu's offer to go out for a coffee. macchiatos are fantastic. i was hoping this offer had something to do with sitting down and a conversation, but it ended up being another episode of charlotte the lost puppy.
she downed her drink and drug me around town to talk to some folks about a business situation. so there i stand, acting mute (which i am for god's sake) and staring out the windows once again, trying not to look bored or impatient. thanks manuela. i feel much better now. i'm hoping that today will be better. i don't feel lonely.
the sky looks as if it's plotting an attack of rain, but i'm cozy inside the house and it's not affecting me, the low light and wind. i think today i'm going to push to get myself connected with a couple of young folks that manu knows (who speak english!). i just need people to hang out with, to have a laugh with, to speak with w/o the stilted, deliberate speech i use to communicate with the family. time to flip the soundtrack to something else. the dad is fond of this band from britain called Lighthouse Family. the album he always puts on is called "whatever it takes to get through the day" -- and no it's not as desperate as the title suggests.
it has become my theme Cd for the trip, one i'll be buying once i return to the states to access rememberance. i just got here... i don't know why i'm thinking about missing them already. rock on, leslie. i'll write again soon. charlotte 12.07.2001 hello again everyone. it's yet another beautiful day in bolzano.
the trees continue to shed their leaves, reminding me of the time all those butterflies came through san diego early this summer. the air is crisp and dry and so clear. mountain air really is better. especially when it bares the added characteristic of being foreign. again, i have my morning to myself. a bottle of wine accompanying two long phone calls from bryan and mae last night left me feeling drowsily content when i awoke.
thanks you guys! it made my day to hear your voices. and good timing too... it just so happened that i had the night off, getting a chance to actually cook for myself. it wasn't pretty... i haven't the means to create anything remarkable with only one burner on the stove to use. manuela wishes for me not to use the other three gas burners. the thing's old, and i can see her point.
wouldn't that be a story? "filthy american blows up building in upscale Bolzano" i'm still searching for a decent local wine. i'm saving the bottles after drinking them and attaching little bits of paper to them to remind myself of what they're like, rating them with letter grades for when the time comes to bring a few home with me. nothing above a B so far. but i'm looking, you guys. don't fret, my wine drinking comrades.
disappointingly, the VCR is broken at the family's place, so the movies i've been dying to see are left in their boxes. i crave american entertainment. well, not so much the TV. i get everything from ally mcbeal to colombo dubbed in various languages, and i have to say that some shows just suck no matter if you can understand them or not. i miss my movies though! the plan for the weekend was to head up to the mountains with the kids and fabrizio for skiing lessons (for the kids, nada me), but seeing as though there's no snow, i'm not sure what the plan will be.
i think we'll make the trek anyway and go for a walk. i'd really like a chance to get out and see a little bit more of italy than what's within walking distance of the apartment. we'll see. i have to say that i feel absolutely ridiculous in ski clothes. ok, so im a beach girl, southern california all the way. we'll see... maybe it won't snow at all for the entire season.
ha! fat chance. you skiers on the other end are probably grinding your teeth at my disinterest to ski out here. but come on, what part of being in traction in a foreign country sounds fun to you? ok, manu is back, and like always, i'm trying my best to exist as little as possible. time to sneak out the door, go find my pan-handler, and hit the store for some more wine and food.
hope all is well in the states. much love, charlotte 12.10.2001 (to leslie) hi again. i thought i'd email you directly as well in addition to the group mailing. sounds like you've got your hands full between the photography and the practice! good for you though. i'd give anything to have things to do, to feel capable of meeting a deadline, to have a project to occupy myself with.
but enough about me... do you see many clients with all that extracurricular stuff going on? i can't imagine that you'd have that much time. the puddles are frozen. no snow, it's too dry. i pray for a storm. something dramatic to break up the monotony.
yes, i'm bored, trying my best to be still in my skin... but i've so much time to sit and think. i don't feel much like a participant today. this whole weekend was an exercise in removal. like i said in the group mailing, i haven't spoken since saturday morning. you know me, and you know how much i depend on communication for release, for connection. this is becoming quite taxing.
the need for connection. that too is a toughie. i wish more than anything that i could crawl over to manuela, curl up in her lap like a kitten and just be. of course, then i have to contend with my 'issues. ' not that i'm concerned that i'd push the limits. i know where they are, and i'm not in a space to try to manipulate them.
that's just a note in the margins. the thing is, she's not affectionate that way, i can tell. and the last thing i'd want is for a moment of personal vulnerability to feel like... to feel anything but safe and pure. and we don't know each other well enough for that to be. i suppose i could ask her... but i'm not sure i want to in case... ugh. i'm afraid to be vulnerable.
of being rejected, even though she's not an ice queen. i know she understands. maybe i'll try to make that enough. i thought about it, about you, how long it has been since i've given you any sort of update on my life up until now. did you know i've been working in hollywood doing film production? just production assistant work until i build my knowledge base and my contacts (and put in my time like everyone else).
the only project i've worked on so far is the Sony film "spiderman" that's coming out this summer. not exactly my kind of movie... lots of explosions and ridiculous sequences of plot devices. anyway, it's still pretty exciting work. long hours, tons of differnt people pulling together to get it done. that's what i have to look forward to when i return. i have a friend, two actually, who live and work up there in LA.
they help me get hooked up with jobs. that, and i work at trader joe's. it's fun, decent money, physical, and i get to munch on all the great food. it's one of those transitional jobs until i embrace the LA lifestyle full on. lots of different folks work there too. i like the social aspect as much as the job.
also... let's see... i had a girlfriend of sorts before i left, but i broke up with her a couple of weeks before my departure. really needy and insecure, older than me but acted like a teenager once things got rolling. i dunno. i tried. i learned plenty. mostly about where i'm drawing the line these days.
and it's much improved, thank you very much. also, that's my first swing at things since the nightmare claudia. so all things considered, it went pretty well. didn't last that long, but then again i didn't let it go on once i saw the bottom. i need more than a fuck puppet, if you'll pardon the disgusting imagry. she just wasn't up to par socially.
she hasn't lived the same kind of life that i have either. really key things she couldn't understand but thought she could. mostly though, she was just really too immature for me. so doting, wanting all my attention but then having nothing to say when she got it. ick. i' glad i had leaving the country to augment the separation.
and then there's school. ick. still not done. been going about half time for a while at san marcos. i like the school, but i'm just not into playing the game right now. a professor singled me out to ask me what the hell i'm doing, not realising that just because i was one of five in her class of 50 to get an A that the rest of my studies were in the shitter.
it was a women's literature adapted to film class, go figure i'd eat it alive. what i told her still makes me laugh. i'm an intellectual snob. i've grown to be very particular about what i allow into my head, and when something doesn't excite me or do anything for me, i won't entertain it. we laughed together at my explanation at least. i dunno though.
after what i've allowed to rule my consciousness, what a mess that can lead to when your mind is infected, working against you... i think being protective to the point of paranoia is a step in the right direction, albeit extreme. so no, me and school aren't getting along. it's not just paranoia. it's about a feeling of limited space in my head where useless crap has no place. and it's also about failure, and i've assigned that label to my school career. i could work at it, but a break is definitely going to be part of the process.
so claudia... i might as well bite the bullet and give you an update. i never did follow up on filing any report. i resent her. she knows she sucks. she came into trader joe's one day not knowing that i work there. ha!
she looked terrified, super nervous, like a deer in crosshairs. i was immediately /very/ aware that she wasn't going to be shopping there again any time soon. good, run. you know, i could ruin her life by reporting her, but then again, what more is there to ruin? i know, i know... it's something that could potentially affect more than just me, what she did, what she's capable of. but you know, it's so over and behind me.
the last thing i want to do is make her a part of my reality again. plus, somewhere in me i still have compassion for her. she's just another human being. troubled, but a soul. hm... i think that's just about everything in terms of an update. chris, my brother, bought a house last year and a porche this year.
still with axia... no wedding plans nailed down, but they're quite in love. marriage ain't the end all and be all anyway if you ask me. the folks are doing well, building a new house in julian. knocked the old one down, making this one have a kitchen half the size of the downstairs, i swear. it'll be finished by the time i return, and i can't wait to run away to it. i've got to run out and pick up ludo from school.
write when you want to. sounds like you haven't too much time for idle chatter :) lots of love, charlotte 12.11.2001 (to leslie) god, hearing from you is such a breath of fresh air! no, i didn't take your listing of obligations as a hint that you didn't have time to write to me. i only mean to say that i understand what a crunch it can be to be juggling so much at once. well, i'm struggling a bit here. last night and today... hm, i have a slight hangover... this may not be the most brilliant of writing installments.
last night, maybe it was the intense cold outside (-5C... now /that's/ cold) compounded with the hormonal surge (or drop, i forget) of starting my period. no, it was all these things, plus being treated once again like a piece of furniture here at the house. i couldn't stop the tears from coming, so i left. i went upstairs and cried my eyes out for about an hour, opened a bottle of wine and knocked myself out. the tears were good... the wine has rendered me dazed and sickly this morning. before the tears... i was trying to chat with manuela while we were making dinner.
nothing involved. just casual crap. she doesn't even try to feign interest, leslie. i once heard someone say before i left, "you'll never feel lonely with an italian family. " ha! it feels as if she's deliberately tuning me out.
and i'm not saying very much, not requiring anything of her, just trying to be friendly. i'm realising finally that as far as the family is concerned, i'm only here to serve a function. babysitting ludo. i'm a fashionable accessory to their yuppie lifestyle. what ever happened to the cultural exchange part of the package? when i met fabrizio, he spoke at length of how important he thinks it is to be exposed to different cultures, to share different perspectives.
however, what i'm seeing is that they don't want to share themselves at all. i'm here to speak english when ludo needs help formulating a sentence and that's it. so to answer your p.s., i have no idea what italians think of the US, the war, any of that... i tried once to get an opinion out of manuela, and she blew me off saying she doesn't like politics. that it doesn't matter!! fabrizio, when i tried talking to him, said more or less that political concerns fade when you get older and you realise that you can't change anything. oh lovely!
what a champion of strength you are! and that was the end of it. i hope i don't leave here with that as my impression of italians and politics. maybe i'm making all of this up, my impression of their disinterest in me. maybe they're just shallow people with nothing to say. it's possible.
it's very possible. ok, i'm pissed. can you tell? :) my expectations weren't met, and now i find myself having to reformulate my ideas about this trip and what I want out of it. i'm disappointed! i refuse to waste my efforts trying to make myself available.
today i'm going to buy some film and start taking pictures. i'm determined to make this work for me. ok, enough with the ranting. hm, yes... when i get home i do plan to continue my work in the film industry. it all depends on whether shannon and jason are working. in the beginning, i mean.
i still don't have the contacts to get hired on my own unless i'm under shannon. her husband is a grip. she's usually a 1st PA or 2nd AD (production assistant, assistant director). shannon likes 2nd unit work, the crew that films the action sequences and explosions, car chases, all that good stuff. i need to get on with life, take risks. this opportunity to be working with her is too perfect to pass up.
trader's is cool. but it's a vortex for wasted talent. i've spun my wheels long enough underestimating myself. i've got to do something challenging, something creative. and yes, leave encinitas so that i don't have to keep running into claudia. i finally feel like i'm bigger than all of it.
that i have power over her and that she can't touch me any longer. she really did some damage to me, and yes, it's still something that i have to work through. just a lot less frequently than i used to. it has been over two years now since i've been in regular contact with her. in two more, i'm sure i'll be even further away from it. as far as i'm feeling about it.... that i'm not really up to discussing today... but i'd like to soon.
well, tonight i actually get to go out to dinner with fabrizio and his old english teacher, a cute brit named anna. i can't wait for the chance to speak in my own language, at a pace i'm used to. i'll let you know how it goes. good luck with the rats. eWWW!! --charlotte 12.11.2001 (to leslie) well, i suck.
manuela was SO nice to me today. i feel a touch regretful that i bitched her to you. but only a little:) ah! i found a gym!! it's 100.000 lire a month (50bucks or so) and i can go whenever i want. the guy there, Ivo, even speaks some english.
yes!! two needs satisfied in one. manu walked me over there about an hour ago while the german teacher was here for the kids. we got a macchiato at her favorite bar (where there's a bartender who speaks french! i struggle to communicate with him, but my french is better understood than spoken). and... i met ludo's english teacher on the street while i walked her home.
makayla, i think. what a hoot! she's in her 30s, american born (LA) but with italian parents. all this after such a shitty night and a hungover morning. and tonight i go to dinner with fabrizio and his english teacher. i'm excited to get some adult time.
i absolutely love ludo, but she is eight. ah... just wanted to revise the bitch session from this morning. i'm doing so much better. enjoy the darkroom. love, charlotte 12.12.2001 ok, so i'm feeling better today than i have this entire trip. going to dinner with fabrizio and anna last night was the cat's meow.
i had such a good time!! this woman anna is super cool, a brit who has lived here for 16 years (she's about to turn 40). she teaches english to folks here, more of a client relationship sort of thing than a teacher/instructor. she does private lessons. she's a linguist, no doubt. very verbal.
she's warm (polar opposite of manu), has a sharp sense of humor, opinions, insights, and curiousity. and god bless her, we hit it off incredibly well. fabrizio sat silent through most of the two and a half hour affair, which i gather from her is his usual m.o. -- just like jacopo. we spoke about all sorts of things, and in depth. about world politics, the nature of language, the prada kids, work, travel, our respective families... i had a blast finally getting to laugh and joke.
and speak and listen! the meal was pretty good too. the wine was even better, an italian pinot noir named patricia. go figure. i had this very local dish to start, kind of a bread ball sort of thing, three flavors... spinach, beat, and seafood. cut in half over juliened veggies.
i forget the name, but i'll ask fabrizio later to make note of it. then fish, which was pretty good. the asperagus was overcooked. so, not only is she joining my gym at the first of january... yeah!!! she made it clear that she wants to see me again, asking me several times if she could give me a call to go for drinks or a coffee and to show me around a bit.
glad i didn't have to initiate that. and she has an english language film collection that she offered up to me! yes!! ah, that was the single most refreshing night since my arrival here. i feel so much better! today, i'm even motivated for exercise, something i've been too down to take up with any sort of passion.
i think i'll borrow the house football and make my way out to the park to juggle. i'll join the gym later this week. an interesting note: fabrizio was kind of weird about relaying the sotry of our meeting, very reluctant to discuss it like he was guarding the truth that we didn't know each other hardly at all before we made this deal. i looked to him after she asked if we knew each other before my coming out here, to get him to participate in the story telling, and he was SO closed mouthed. is he embarrassed that he didn't even know me? does he think he should have spent more time with me before making the decision to invite me?
hm. looks like i'm going to have to try my hand at the ATM machine sooner or later. to pay for the gym, i'm going to be using all of my remaining cash. 200.000 lire for the start up fee and the first month. that's roughly 100 bucks. after the almost 200 for the ski clothes (they went on sunday without me!
), my funds are dwindling. oh well. maybe manu will go with me to try to withdrawl money when we hit the post office today to pick up my packages. well, off to kick a ball around. then to the store for some provisions. more later, i'm sure.
--charlotte 12.13.2001 ah... dramatic weather makes me want to write. there's a storm kicking up outside, wind and clouds steadily building momentum since the early afternoon. i'm praying for rain, although what i'm realising is that this will mean snow this evening if it does break loose with some dampness. i'm waiting, watching, drinking hot coco with ludo and monitoring the trees. this afternoon i found myself sitting quietly in my room. no tv, no music, no lights on.
just sitting still, unwilling to get up to take off my coat even. i felt peaceful. a long night of nightmares rendered me restlessly awake this morning, so it was nice to have a clear head in my waking hours. i successfully avoiding manu this morning. i arrived at the house with ludo after school to an empty house and a grocery list. looks like the kids and i are alone tonight again from what i can tell from the list -- hamburgers.
that's just fine with me, the meal and the downtime from fussy mommy. hm... i'm going to have to keep an eye on this attitude i'm developing. it's becoming way too comfortable. as you've all heard way too much, i'm really not into her lately. i'm glad to see that the notice from the post office has disappeared from its place on the table by the door. it told me of two packages that are due to me, packages that i have to wait for help to get my hands on.
i can't just walk over there (i don't even know where it is) and ask for them. hopefully the slip's disappearance is a sign that someone is picking them up for me. then again, who knows. it's been there for three days already... maybe it got thrown away. i know there's a sweater in one of those, and i could sure use it these days. -10C at night is wicked, folks.
the wind that began today is only worsening that. ludo and i are getting along infamously. well, strike the negative connotation of the word. how about famously. i just love that kid! and i can see where my attention is helping her in light of her mother's issues.
she and i are pals, affectionate, laughing, and learning a whole hell of a lot of english. she can now have entire conversations with me, not only fragments of words. i'm so impressed with how quickly she picks things up, and /remembers/ phrases and expressions! i mentioned her progress to manu yesterday, but she only shrugged and said "good. " well, /i/ know that i'm doing my job here. and a damn good one at that judging by ludo's conversational abilities.
i wish it didn't concern me, manu's behaviour. but it does. she's the head of the household for all intents and purposes. i guess it'll have to suffice to assume, maybe incorrectly, that she appreciates my efforts. the weekend is drawing near. i encourage all of you to give a call sometime seeing as though i'll probably be on my own once again.
boo- hoo, all alone! no, really, i can't wait for the space. i don't know if i'm supposed to disappear, but i kind of like to. getting a phone call from the real world would be swell. beautiful silence and conversations with loved ones. god, i'm going to miss you all at christmas.
i feel so mushy this time of year, all the quality time with family and friends, reflecting on a year passed. what's it going to be like not getting to see any of you? will i stay in my room or will i want to try to hang out with a less than loving family here? what's worse? ok, what's better? i'll have to see.
well, i gotta go. we have to make it to the market before it gets dark. and before it rains to hard. more later... charlotte 12.14.2001 another day... the sun is out, so i may go for a walk at some point. i finally broke down and bought some film yesterday while me and ludo were at the store down the street. i took a couple of pictures of the little bugger at her request.
she's such a doll. i can't wait to get home and set up a website or something to make the images of my trip accessible to everyone. until then, i suppose i can only describe them in written form. last night was relatively uneventful. jacopo in his room as usual, locked door, the broken glass sound of him rummaging through his tub of legos coming from the room, occasional outbursts of singing. i still don't know what i should do with him, whether it's best to allow him to disappear like that all the time or whether i should make more of an effort to get him to participate.
i realise too though that it's not up to me to lay down the law and get him to change his behaviour. this is his parents' idea. if they want it to really work, they're going to have to step in and speak with him. not that good communication is a characteristic i'd attach to my description of this family. ok, sure. i don't understand a lot of what /is/ said between them.
it may be the most concise language ever spoken, making up for the lack of frequency. but i doubt it. i'm assuming it's about on the same level as how i'm spoken to-- the bare facts and little else. i'm still trying to get used to it. it's no wonder jacopo is so silent. with his parents as role models, i can't see him ever really breaking through and sitting down to converse with me.
another episode of the watchful eye: putting ludo to bed last night, again in her parent's bed, sparked my curiousity. i figured i would ask her, now that our ability to have conversations has improved so much and it wouldn't just frustrate her to hear words she doesn't understand. i asked her about why she likes to sleep in this bed instead of hers. and, doesn't it get crowded with three people? she said she almost always sleeps in here, and that when her dad comes home, he sleeps with her, never her mom. her mom always sleeps alone in ludo's room.
huh. an innocuous question to an 8 year-old, but loaded with insight to me. i mean, it's not like i didn't see that one coming. but to know it. it's sad. at least ludo seems to be getting what she needs.
it makes me so happy to know how the attention and love i'm able to give is helping her. her mother just doesn't have the time to dote on her. she's the center of my universe here. the way she is with me lately, so loving and affectionate in return, just makes my day. she's the sweetest kid. i'm trying not to think about how hard it's going to be for her when i leave.
you don't miss something until you've had it and lost it. so today i think i'll talk to manuela about something that pissed me off the other night. i feel a little weak in anticipation, just in case it comes off as confrontational. but in another sense, i'm feeling a lot stronger about asserting myself. what, like i'm going to alienate myself?! too late.
manu basically made me look like an ass telling the woman that i showed up here without any clothes for the cold, like i'm too stupid to understand what i need. actually, her husband told me specifically not to buy clothes at home, to wait until i get here to go shopping with manu. that things were much cheaper (they sure as hell aren't), and that it would be best to wait. if that's what she thinks, that i really am too stupid to plan ahead, no wonder she treats me the way she does. what else didn't get communicated between the time that fabrizio met me and my arrival? did they even discuss between them their expectations of me?
maybe to her, this was a perfect opportunity to pull away from her familial duties even further. maybe she expected me to step into her shoes and take over on all the little duties she finds to be beneath her now that she's so wonderfully independent. i'd understand her attitude better if i knew this to be the case. god, my universe is tiny. it bothers me to dwell on it, what probably seems like interpersonal minutae to everyone outside of the situation. well, she ought to be home soon.
and kicking me off of the computer upon her arrival so that she can do her usual internet cam chat with her pals on her lunch break. and i should go tend to my laundry. you know, all the clothes that i don't have. so i'm bitchy? adieu, y'all. --charlotte here's my bitch... i was talking to ludo's ballet teacher on wednesday.
she knows some english, so we made small talk. she said that she heard from manuela that i'm from san diego and said that she's love to go there sometime. all the warm weather appealed to her, all that. so then she says, "all this cold here must be strange for you. manuela told me that you showed up here without any clothes to wear, that you were completely unprepared for the weather here. " thanks!
12.14.2001 ok, everyone. i just went shopping, and you all know how that affects me. yippie! spending lire! manuela decided at the last minute that we'd go shopping. i think my mentioning to her about the ballet teacher's comments, that i intentionally came without clothes, made her think.
so we went out. i bought a couple of things at Mad's (www.mads.it)... a chocolate brown wool sweater and another layer-type sweater thing that's plum purple. i should have bought more while the offer was up, but i still needed to hit the ATM. maybe now that i've broken the ice with the gals that work there, i won't be such a chicken to go back. or somewhere else. so there's improvement.
manuela was a different person with me tonight too. she even started talking to me about her boyfriend and a super romantic trip they took to venice, about having a boat, drifting along a canal with the windows in the houses they past illuminated with candles to announce that they're having a party. she was actually giving me unsolicited information rather than having me feel like a chump for trying to spark up even casual conversation. upon receiving emails from a lot of you, i'm struck with the awareness that i sound really unhappy here. ok, so i am in a lot of ways. but this isn't a prison sentence.
far from it. it's just that email is my ventilation duct, my platform to talk about all the things that i can't talk about to anyone here. i'm really doing better than it seems, trust me. plus, who of you doesn't know me to be at least a little dramatic? huh? exactly.
ok, i'm free for the evening. can't wait to play with my new clothes and crack open a cold one. yahoo! love, charlotte hey! where's my phone calls, eh? 12.16.2001 nothing like a sunday.
true, it's not the same without tim russert in the morning, a jug of coffee, and the sunday nytimes. but then again, i did sleep in til noon today, so i missed the morning anyway. just after waking up, contemplating coffee and a shower, a heard a knock at the door. it was fabrizio coming to tell me that he and the kids were going out, that they'd be back this evening after six. he smiled at me as usual, mostly because i was still in my pajamas at 12:00. at least i wasn't woken up by him. that would have been a little more embarrassing than just standing in the door jam with tosseled hair and mascara remnants around my eyes.
ah, he classy american strikes again. where they were off to was to ludovica's christmas thing at school. you know the rutine, a mess of children singing christmas songs more or less together. the kind of event that makes you smile and cringe with laughter than it is touching to see your kid up there. but i know it means a lot to ludo. she sings her songs to me all the time, and they span five languages which is pretty cool.
so sweet, right? well, guess who's in verona for the weekend and isn't going to show up. when ludo found out the other day that her mom wasn't going to come, she cried. poor kid. god, manuela makes my skin crawl sometimes. i know it's not exactly a night at the opera (unless we're talking groucho marx), but shit.
at least her dad and brother are going, taking her out to lunch before hand. and at least i have the day to myself in their house, free to write and listen to CDs. i already hit the store this morning for some food and beer. not much else on my agenda today. maybe a little cleaning, nothing more. i thought of running into town where i've seen a guy selling perfect long stemmed roses for 5000 lire a piece.
but i've been informed that when buying things from street vendors, you're supposed to like haggle about the price or something. so not interested. plus i'm ill equiped language wise. but for ludo, i wanted to grab her a couple and have them here for when she gets home from her big debut. oh well. made tacos last night for the kids.
GAG! not surprisingly, mexican food is impossible to do justice to here in bolzano. i tried to wing it, but it's so not the same. i couldn't find a single spicy ingredient to help the ketchup... i mean, salsa... that i found at the store. at least i had taco shells. jacopo liked it anyway, sort of.
we all agreed it was pathetic. not that we all didn't expect as much. ludo wouldn't eat it at all, wouldn't even try it. she didn't miss anything. she ate pate and bread instead. so european.
the shadows are getting long. i think i might take a break here from the computer and catch up on the news. on the tv down here, there's a few channels that are either in english or give you an option of which language you can watch it in. like last night, i watched "high fidelity" again on a movie channel and switched it to english from italian dubbing. fabrizio even sat down and watched some of it with me. i hid the remotes so that ludo couldn't grab them and switch it to the disney channel, a regular occurence everytime i'm watching tv.
she bitched. but i never watch tv here. i decided i would for once. she ended up cuddling with me on the couch anyway and watching it although she didn't understand 90% of it. even watched tv with jacopo last night. a football game he was looking forward to.
so we bonded, just a little bit. but i feel it was important, ludo in her room and me and jacopo doing something together, groaning at the same missed shots and dirty fouls. it was a good time. talk to y'all later on. happy sunday. --charlotte 12.17.2001 well that was a successful little outing.
you know, the american expression "money talks" sure does apply throughout the world. actual words aren't important, so long as you're ready to pay. so i bought myself a CD today at the little music shop in the old part of town, tucked away down an allyway no bigger than ten feet across. yes, a CD. probably the first one i've actually paid for in a year or two. CD burners, folks.
and i was reminded why... the little sucker cost me 39.000 lire. twenty bucks. a christmas present to myself. oh, it's the coldplay CD "parachutes. " i dig them! a british band.
the CDs the store are all locked up. you have to ask to get it out. point and click style. well, it's a little after one, so i may be kicked off shortly. the moms comes home from work usually around this time. we'll see how long this little session lasts.
observation: the public transit system. the acronym here for the bus system is SAD, short for god knows what. something blarringly ironic when you look at the faces of those on board. i guess public transit is depressing in any city. another joke to myself... the little store down the road, the one i shop at because 1. it's close, and 2. it's the only one i'm brave enough to go into. i don't have to speak really, not like the ones where you're being waited on by an actual human being to get what you're looking for.
well, the name of the store chain is "DESPAR"... which i can't help but see it to be DESPERATE when i walk in. hey, i gots to have my beer and gnocchi. even if it does mean shopping in silence, praying for as little of an interaction as humanly possible to get the deed done. yes, desperate i am. looking for english wherever i go. speaking fo which, i think i'll give anna a call today.
it would be a hoot to have a drink with her, speak in english with a native speaker. i realise though that it's the week before christmas (have i really been here that long?!). i'd expect that she's pretty busy like everyone, work, shopping... blood greasing the capitalist machinery of the western world. you know, christmas time! at least the holiday seems to be less about "things" here than it is at home. still, it's a crunch to wind down your obligations in time for vacation.
we'll see what she's up to. i'm dying to pick her brain. i'm curious to see how this family does the whole christmas holiday thing. is the night before an event? do they go to church at midnight? no american football games on TV the day of.
i may be lost this year. at first, i envisioned myself withdrawing to my flat, not wanting to intrude on such a family-oriented time. but i don't want to depress myself. maybe i'll prepare some sappy speech, a toast to world peace, get all teary-eyed and dripping with sentiment. maybe i'll just play it by ear... like almost everything i do here. watch and act accordingly.
so, here's the question: do i get something for the folks for christmas? probably not, right? i don't know, and i don't want to get stuck feeling like a jackass if i blow it off. i got the kids something. and the gift giving really seems to be about the kids. what do y'all think?
all things considered, i mean. i'm not their "friend" so i'm not obligated, right? hm. a bottle of moet chandon? a lump of coal? marital counciling?
ok, that was messed up. i'm just feeling playful. ok. i out to go upstairs and make myself a little breakfast. gotta go pick up ludo in an hour. thanks to those of you who've been calling and mailing. i miss you all!!
--charlotte 12.18.2001 "i'll take 'busted' for 300, Alex. " wooaaa... was last night ever awkward! i'm giggling about it now, but it sure wasn't funny last night. where to begin... ok, so manuela went out again for a spell last night before dinner, not coming back until around 7:45. Fabrizio came home to find jacopo getting dinner started (i asked to help him, but he said he had it under control). words were exchanged, i heard my name in there, and then the voices escalated.
i could figure out the words at least "where's your mother? " but i could be wrong. what i gathered is that fabrizio was upset that jacopo was doing what manuela should have been, or at least me (but no one asked, so i take no responsibility for remaining on the couch with ludo). big deal, dinner is late. oh, but more was going on. way more.
when manuela returned, a fight insued. thank god i don't know italian. not that i can't read a silent film. it was brief, but both parents were all bent out of shape for the rest of the night. dinner on the table, and all i could do was stare at something to disappear into myself. manuela sat at her place, somewhat slumped forward with her head in her hand looking... hm.
a mixture of defeat, irritation. she refused to eat anything, hardly speaking except to decline offers by the kids to eat something before they finished it. the cell rang twice (her's of course), and both times she got up from the table to answer it, shutting a bedroom door behind her for privacy. fabrizio usually speaks to me at dinner. to get the conversation rolling in english or at least to connect for a bit. not last night.
not a word from him in my direction. when i got up to bring my first plate into the kitchen, helping him as he took eveyone else's, i tried to get a glimpse of what his face could tell me. i mean, should i leave? i can fully manage on my own, folks. i don't need to be here if it's a bad time!! i looked him in the eyes for a split second with a subtle expression of "what's the deal" in mine.
and nothing. not even the slightest gesture or waivering of that serious stare he held to throughout the meal. i guess that told me plenty. yikes! right? dinner was over, i started the dishes.
fabi brought some dishes in from the table, i aksed him if i should go. he said no like he was surprised that i'd ask. owkay. then he was gone, i heard the bedroom door lock. ludo back to the vortex of television watching. like i've said before, an air raid siren wouldn't disturb her fixation.
jacopo back to his room, a shutting of doors throughout the house. which left me and manuela. and for the first time since i've been here, she helped me with the clean up. maybe she needed to busy herself. maybe she wanted the company, although i doubt it. i'd put my money on the former.
i took out the trash, and when i returned... ok, it wasn't like the same pot she was cleaning, but i'd already done all the cleaning. she was still at the sink. and taking the trash means going downstairs, out the builing, out the gate, then down the street to the dumpster. had a cigarette... five minutes, maybe ten. when i came back in, and saw her standing there alone... i don't know, guys. you all know how i feel about this woman.
she's not my candidate for mother of the year. but seeing her there, obviously very distracted, troubled... i can't help but feel compasssion. i came up to her, put my hand on her shoulder and asked her if she's alright. and although i wasn't expecting her to say anything in response, she did. she stopped what she was doing, turned around and looked at me. "charlotte, i'm just very...
nervous. " then she turned around again and grabbed something else to wash out. i put the table cloth back in its place, returned the centerpiece to the table, and made one more pass through the kitchen to see that everything had been done. she turned to me again to let me know that i could go now if i wanted to. ah, yes... that would be good. so i grabbed my coat and my cell, stopping back into the kitchen one more time.
i asked her one more time, "are you sure you're ok? " i asked almost in a whisper. she gave me a yes with a forced positivity. i wasn't pressing for a confessional, just trying to show her that i care. which i know she understood. out of nowhere, maybe remembering the little note i drew out to myself that hangs in my kitchen upstairs to help myself get along here, i said the words "you're loved.
" once upon a time, my dear friend jennifer sent me a picture of a curly haired smiley face in a picture frame with those words drawn at the bottom. i still have it at home, and i made one for myself when i got here to help keep my head up. simple words, but they mean a lot to me. saying that to her elicited a kind of "yeah, right" huff and a forced smile. it was time to go. it was time as soon as she got home, really.
but now i went, eager to leave the discomfort of problems that aren't mine. i feel for these people, you guys. they're flawed, frustrating... and every bit as human as they come. i know that i can't really help them but to stay out of the way and do my duties. i /know/ i can't help them, not with big stuff. but when i'm this close to someone else's pain and i have love to spare, it's all i can do to offer it if it's wanted.
hm... i'm not giggling anymore. ok, on to other things. what other things? i still haven't called anna. last night didn't seem the time to ask fabrizio for her number. i don't have any grand designs for the day.
just looking out the window at the passing airplanes, criss-cross patterns of clouds streaming behind them, then vanishing. adieu, charlotte 12.19.2001 hello again, everyone. i suppose the fact that i've nothing substantial to write about is a blessing after the turmoil of monday night. nevertheless, i'll keep you all posted on what's up. ludo and i went out shopping last night, really to buy food for dinner. but while we were out, i was able to secure a little christmas presento for the folks.
yep, real creative... a bottle of moet chandon. it was the best the store had (that i recognized), so i went for it. i'm not totally confident seeing as though it's not white star, the particular moet chandon that i'm used to buying. ha! listen to me, like i'm really used to buying $25 bottles of champagne. it ought to be good though.
got it wrapped last night before manuela came home, and it's resting peacefully under the tree. fabrizio never made it home last night. maybe he was working extra late, who knows. maybe he didn't want to be here. both scenarios i can understand. i spent the evening here, long enough to make dinner for me and the kids while manuela soaked in the bathtub.
again, she wasn't interested in eating with us. so i made tacos (tried to) to eat with jaco and a burger for ludo who refuses to eat mexican. thank god for tabasco. for the first time since my arrival, i actually got my nose to run from spice. the kids watched in horror as i consumed about 3oz of the stuff. jaco ate a little, then rushed to the freezer for ice as soon as the meal was over.
he tried to be a man about it, pretending he was enjoying it. i laughed at him, of course. damn italian gringos! some good news. perhaps. manu let me know yesterday that she received an email from a friend/coworker of mine about possibly coming out here to do the same thing as i am with another family.
ok, true. this is a friend of manuela's, so who knows what she'd be in for. i sent the offer to her when i first got here, still unaware of the trials and tribulations of this whole dynamic. actually, i sent the invitation to her sister (also a coworker), seeing as though she's fluent in italian. but she can't do it. so she mentioned her sister, an even cooler chick by my standards.
i don't know about her language skills. but just having someone here that i know would be so so excellent. i didn't get much information out of manuela. she only mentioned it in passing, not even an inquiry into what kind of a person i think she is, how i know her. anything. just that she received an email, and she'd talk to her friend again.
i guess i've grown to expect such fantastic communication. well, it's wednesday, which means i'll probably be taking ludo to balletto tonight. now that i know what i'm in for, it shouldn't be the nightmare that was last week. this time i'll know to bring my gloves, something to read, etc. there's something about resentment that seems to make sitting in the cold feel just a little bit colder. man, was i pissed last week.
ok, here's a sight that i won't be able to get over. old ladies in full length furs and matching hats weaving through traffic on bicycles. that to go along with all the tiny dogs in sweaters. ugh, i'm tired. i was awakened early (9am) this morning by crowd noise, cheers, and whistle blowing. no, it wasn't saturday morning soccer games at the local school.
i finally wrenched myself out of bed and pulled up the shades to see what was going on. oh, only the entire high school marching down my street. i couldn't read the banners, obviously. protesting? celebrating? who the hell knows... all i know is that it was loud.
and damnit, i need my beauty sleep! at least i'm discovering some interestingly good new music. manuela brought home a killer compilation CD last night and put it on. a kind of retro mix of stuff someone made for her. i would have told her i like it, but whatever. she doesn't much care for my opinions.
a taste, you say? Luz Azul by Aterciopelados Slow Down by Incognito and some other stuff... not at all italian. it's great! italian music kind of sucks. as mary wilke would say, "it's completely derivitive. " (ok, maybe bryan is the only one out there who'll get that) i am compiling a list of the worst italian songs i hear for your listening pleasure when i get home.
yes, the needle will be a-scratchin'. you know, it would be fantastic to go out shopping today. unlike the states, there's hardly anyone out shopping. stores aren't open until mid afternoon in some cases. the real problem is that i've yet to get paid for my time here. the deal was 500bucks a month.
which i can imagine meant once a month i'd be paid. but on friday, it will have been a month, and still no mention of it. ok, i'm not exaclty worried that i'm going to get stiffed. i wouldn't allow it to happen. but i sure as hell hope i don't have to bring it up. talk about awkward.
but if dad is driving a new carera turbo... i'm sure he can handle a measly 1.000.000 lire. alright. gotta get out of here before the clouds converge and the lightning starts to strike. yes, it's appraoching the one o'clock hour when the moms returns from work. i can feel the wind pick up already. thanks for all your wonderful emails, you guys!
i look forward to hearing from you!! it's my favorite part of the day! 12.19.2001 hi again. yep, this is definitely a compulsive habit of mine. can you tell? it's my only real means of communication.
i just have to write to y'all. another easy night at the house. call me insecure, but i get nervous when i have to cook here and the parents haven't left yet. ok, so they're snobbish anyhow. and i don't take imperfection lightly. so i've got two elements working against me.
i grilled up some steaks (indoors! don't get excited. there isn't a BBQ in all of bolzano), made some gnocchi with butter and grana, and a salad. simple, trouble free. all the while, the folks are busy getting ready. not together, of course.
manu gets ready first. knee-length white skirt with some kind of black flower thing happening on it, knee-high black boots with heals, a shiny black tank top, tight as they come, and a black leather jacket. and too much make-up, par for the course. she looked good, sure. but so much vanity! relax... understated looks so much sexier.
so then she goes out. she actually came up to me in the kitchen to tell me goodbye, a beeming smile on her face. i told her to have fun, that she looks great, all that good stuff. then she's off. now fab gets up and goes into the bedroom to get ready. black turtleneck, black slacks, black shoes.
this guy is so good looking... the few of you who met him know this. he throws on a floor-length black coat, grabs his cell, and then he's off, i think to hang out with his best friend who he usually goes out with on wednesday nights. so it's me and the kids again. jaco playing nintendo, ludo drawing and watching TV... and me at my usual post at the laptop. 30 minutes til freedom. ok, here's something i find interesting.
i just gotta tell. manuela has been busying herself for a while now with this charity function she's putting on. for a foundation called "peter pan" -- which benefits kids in alto-adige who have cancer. she and a few others put together a calander to sell, the money from which goes to help. they're kicking off the sales at a reception she's organizing at this bar/café/restaurant down the street. nice, right.
well, i saw the finished project tonight. guess what the cover shot is!? a black and white, grainy photograph of HER and her four friends. kinda james dean like, leaning up against a fence, all of them in b&w, her with her arms crossed looking real cool. can you imagine? this is for kids with cancer, and she thinks it's a good idea to put her own goddamed picture on the cover?
what a selfless act, manuela! merry christmas! the calendar as a whole is a montage of mediocre photographs. it's titled "details" with pictures of... a woman's butt wearing a thong, some chicks breasts in a corset, manuela's neck and shoulders, someone's belly... all in b&w. besides the pictures being shakey in terms of artistic merit, what i really can't get over is the cover. and then on the back... is the same set of chicks from behind.
ludo's leaning over my shoulder to point out which butt belongs to her mom. is this the weirdest scene? or am i just cracking up!? oh yes, in about a 10 point font on the back of the calander is the name of the foundation. like, "oh yeah! it's for the kids!
" an afterthought once our egos have been satisfied. i remember now about a week ago when manu was complaining of how hard it is to get it all finished, how no one else invovled was helping her, only criticising. i responded to her, "oh well, at least you feel good that your energy is going towards helping kids who need it. " i doubt that was ever part of the plan. why, this is about me!! charity events are a fashionable accessory to my bourgois lifestyle!!
oh, i'm buying one of these suckers, you guys. don't worry! you'll all get to see it!! anyone up for a late christmas present? ok, ok... i just had to dish that little bit. i'd better get ludo into bed now.
-c 12.20.2001 hi again, all. i had a moment of panic this morning when i came down here to email. the DSL line wasn't connecting (it's not on all the time like i'm used to it being at home)!!! i thought maybe the puter was broken. desperate, i went upstairs to write in my journal. i just had to write!
but here i am, and i'm connected. in every way. guess what!? i spoke to anna on the phone this afternoon! i was expecting a machine (she warned me that it's in german), to say something devastatingly cleaver, all that good stuff. but no!
she was actually at home, getitng ready to go to a christmas party for the school she teaches at part time. we talked, more than i'd expected actually. i'm not much of a fan of the phone. but hey. i'll take it how it comes. we chatted about the family.
nothing major, but i can tell that she's an eye for the obvious. she mentioned going away to austria for the weekend, and that she wanted to call me on monday morning to go for a coffee. yippie!! i can't wait!! not much to relay. mom is home, kids are home.
i could use a bath or something equally soothing. too bad!! maybe i could work it out. we'll see. ok. maybe i'll be inspired to write more later. i sure was this morning!
damned Telecom Italia. charlotte 12.21.2001 friday morning... more importantly, today marks the end of my first month here in italy. can you believe i've been here that long? well, it sometimes seems like it has been a year. some days groan on like neverending blocks of consciousness. some go by quickly... just like real life i suppose.
last night got me in a tizzy. don't worry, as pissed as i was, i kept my ventilation to a private session. today, i don't even feel like addressing it. i feel defeated, shit on. and a little sad. maybe if i let myself cry today, it'l help to let go of how angry i was last night, give me perspective.
i can tell that my emotional needs are screaming for attention. it's better to digest my feelings with myself first before i bring it up with the culprit. anger is so unattractive. so again i'm home alone with the kids. this /is/ like every night. i served dinner for the kids, a little more impatient with ludo than usual.
she has a habit of asking me to put things away for her when it's so much less of an effort for her to just do it herself. like i know where everything goes. and like i'm not doing anything with my arms a foot deep into the dishes or something. i wanted to go home last night in a big way. i was in a bad mood, thinking about christmas and how much i'm going to miss the entire thing. it was the first time i'd actually exhibited some frustration around here.
guess i'm getting comfortable if i'm not just holding it all in for me to chew on. i wasn't a bitch, but come on ludo! have some independence... at least while i'm already obviously not in the position to drop everything just to put your shoes in your room. ah, kids. i finished with the dishes, manu got home, she told me to go. no, i didn't ask, nor do i think she knew that i was feeling funky.
she doesn't pay that close of attention. she just told me to go. but to come back in an hour! it was already 20 minutes to 9, the hour when the kids are in bed. but she was going out AGAIN, and she wanted me here for some reason. i usually leave by the time she wanted me to come back.
but whatever! i don't ask why. ok. i left. i slipped into my pajamas, made myself some tea, tried to busy myself with cleaning out some more of the shit that was left in the flat by the last tennant. watching the clock, not able to wind down with the knowledge that i still had to be "on" later that night. so i grab a book, my jounal, some CDs and my headphones, brush my hair, and leave my place.
i open the door, the sound of the lock startles manuela who's laying on the couch watching TV. oh! her plans changed! she's not leaving until later, so she tells me to leave again! no phone call to give me a heads up, no effort to use a little foresight into whether it's really necessary to keep me on call for nothing. no, just a wave of the hand indicating the door.
god damn it, i hate being disrespected. i went upstairs, ditched my pjs, put on a million layers of clothes, grabbed my journal and my smokes and went outside. i was furious. ok, so i realise it's not /that/ big of a deal in the grand scheme of the universe. but you know, it's indicative of an attitude she has with me. and with all the dirty little bits about her that i'm picking up, trying desperately not to hold them against her, i'm reaching a point where my attitude in response is getting /really/ hard to contain.
patience, patience, patience.... ack! no, the building lights did not go on that night to tell me she'd left. i can see the illumination from where i sit to write and smoke. and i was out there, scribbling furiously in the dark, for about an hour. i exhausted myself enough to fall quickly asleep when i went back upstairs. thank god.
the last thing i would have wanted is to be lying awake pissed off. you guys, i'm so so frustrated. i know this whole situation is difficult for all of us involved here at the house. i'm fine with submerging my identity more or less to fit into a new environment. i'm doing my absolute best to make this whole scenrio a good one. but the way i'm being treated... it's bullshit.
at every turn, i'm smiling and composed. i go out of my way to anticipate the needs of the folks here. i do a good job with the kids. their english, the reason i'm here!, is totally improving. i'd expect that with all that going on, i'd be earnign a little respect around here. i feel like a piece of shit!!
ok, now i'm sad. it's just so fucking disappointing. what can i do to be taken seriously? just because i'm getting paid to be here doesn't mean i don't have feelings, that i'm not an entire human being within myself no matter how far away from home i am. and by the way, /no/ i haven't been paid yet. maybe they think that by my having financial independence, i'm on a longer leash.
maybe they think my big vacation fund, which this trip is not, will last me. that they're spending enough money on me. deep breath. ok. so they don't talk to me. they don't want to get to know me. they see me as an employee of the household.
now do y'all see why christmas is going to be so difficult? i mean, i bet you guys can already imagine that much. but to be here with a "less than welcoming" family... the irony is heartbreaking. i'm not sure i want to be here at all. maybe i'll buy a bottle of champagne for me, some traditional christmas time tortalini (yes, that's the traditional fare), and spend it with myself. catch a couple of phone calls.
keeping that as an option is going to be my saving grace for the next couple of days. and now i'm thinking... about anna! i have plans to hang out with her on monday morning. i can just see manuela asking me to cancel becuase the kids are out of school, and /of course/ that means that my mornings are no longer my own. she hasn't communicated with me what it's going to be like with the kids at home all day. and of course, that begins tomorrow!
god, have a conversation with me that isn't last minute! am i going to be here all day, all week long until they go back at the end of their 2 week break? or am i off? do i get a holiday? the only free days i've had have been announced to me in the middle of that day. no chance to plan anything, like a nice long walk into the hills with my backpack full of picnic gear.
i've been waiting to get to do something like that since i got here. all this boils down to one thing-- shitty communication. and i think i'm deciding as i sit here that i'm going to force that to change or die trying. i'm unhappy here, and it's the only solution to getting my needs met. i'm not going to wait for their agenda to fall out of the sky on top of me. i want to know what's going on!
i'm going to be as diplomatic about this as possible. i mean, as possible as what i'm capable of. i think the best thing to do is to schedule a meeting with them. oh god! can they handle the structure of it all? really though, i think it's time for a tete-a-tete to discuss some things.
maybe their expectations of me, mine of them... a reality check for things that they're not used to just explaining to me when they come up. i've been here for a while now, and i still haven't had the courtesy of an explaination of what it is they want from me. and don't want from me for that matter. am i meeting their needs? am i doing an adequate job? if this were a traditional job, i'd expect my boss to sit down and talk to me about my progress, the company's expectations of my work, all that good stuff.
i know that this isn't the same. but i need the structure. i need to know what they want from me. and i need to set some guidelines for what i'm willing to take. god, this is hard. why am i here?
what the hell did i commit to? can i handle this for two more months if nothing changes? they're not going to magically become conversant with me. manuela is not going to suddenly dismount from her high horse to relinquish her power position. what do i think can be said to even make an impact on what's happening? is it worth admitting that i feel disrespected when i know it's not going to influence anything?
these folks are how they are, and my pointing it out is hardly going to change that. only alienate me further by expressing that i see it, and i don't like it. myabe i won't talk to them. maybe this is all on me. all up to me. can i make this a good experience for myself?
change my expectations of the situation to make it successful? sure, i'm in italy. big deal! the romanticism of spending time in europe has all but worn away. what i am is far far away from a life with people who treated me a lot better than this. and because i had the power to discriminate as to what i'd take and what i wouldn't, whose bullshit was worth enduring and whose wasn't.
here, i don't have that ability. am i spoiled? am i being immature to think i can always be that picky? should i just buck up and let the callus develop until it doesn't bother me anymore? it would be a completely different story if along with their questionable attitude towards me there was something bright and sunny to temper it. what are they really offering me in return for what i'm so freely giving them?
i took out my return flight tickets last night to look them over. one month down, two to go. i don't know if i can do this today. maybe i'll feign illness. nah, too pussy. i need to get out.
not out of the house necessarily. i just need a break. just for a little while, i need to feel ... normal. recharge. remember who i am, concentrate on the person i know is in there but can't be heard or expressed. feel appreciated!
you know, never once have i heard anything from the parents along the lines of "hey, thanks for all you're doing here! " or "hey, good job! " or even an acknowledgement that i'm a decent person, in any way. and i'm not expecting that to come across in spoken language. today sucks. sorry if this has become a bit... i don't know... like something i'm writing to myself in my journal rather than an email to you all.
i don't know what else to do with my feelings. my thoughts. my perspective here. until i have a better idea, i think i'll go for a walk. even though i don't want to. i want to stay in my bed all day and be emotional.
maybe it'll pass before i have to go get ludo from school. sorry to be a downer. can't help it today. -c 12.23.2001 ok, you all. i'm not sure how this email is going to come out, seeing as though what's really important to mention i'm hesitant to, just in case my brother wants to be the one to say it. so i won't... but that's all i'm thinking about.
but i'll fill you in on the rest of the scoop of what's happening here in bolzano. last night i went to a football game in verona. chievo verona vs. roma. (0-3) jaco was sullen and withdrawn, as usual. too bad for him because the rest of us were having a blast. he loosened up once his team started winning.
on the way to verona, an hour drive away (which at the rate italians drive with no speed limits is pretty far), i had a chance to talk to fab. not about too much, but i was able to voice my desire to have a little state of the union between us now that i've been here for a month. i brought it up real casually, like as a chance to chat about what's working, what isn't. he thought it was a great idea, even outlining his availability for the next week to make sure we can have it happen. perfect. i even earned a world traveler badge of courage last night at the game that i think i just have to make a public announcement about.
call me sheltered, but were you aware that the little girl's room at the stadiums here are nothing more than holes in the floor? i stood there for /just/ a second contemplating if i could hold it for another two hours. i peed, damn it! in a hole in the ground! boy scouts have nothing on me. things are shaping up.
looks like i'll be going out of town for part of the christmas holiday. tomorrow i go to coffee with anna. after that, i thknk we're all going out of town to the extended family function. not really looking forward to that. but fab wants me there. i even asked him, or told him rather, that i understand completely if he wants part of his christmas spent just with is family.
he said no way... so i'm a- going along. then on christmas day, we're going to have lunch with fab's parents... and then hang out here i think. i'm not totally sure, but he did tell me what was going on. ah, it's amazing what a little communication can do. i feel much better. even if i do wish i was spending this time with my family.
this somehow seems horribly incomplete without my brother's news to add to it. but as a courtesy to him, i'll have to wait a few days until i know y'all know. love to all... and in case i don't get a chance to check my mail in the next day or two.... merry christmas! -c 12.24.2001 hi, y'all. well, it's christmas eve here in italy. you all are probably still sleeping as i write.
lucky you. i wouldn't mind a nap before the evening's festivities begin. in fact, the parents are each holding down a piece of furniture in a state of sleep. pops in the bed, manu on the couch. me and ludo are hanging out, making bracelets together. jaco's playing play station games with a friend... it's down time at the prada's.
i got the play you bought for me from amazon.uk, mom. thanks! i read it this afternoon already. funny character sketches, quirky, very british. it's called "sunday morning at the centre of the world" by de bernières in case the rest of you are wondering what i'm talking about. thanks, mom!
it seems the packages sent from within europe make it here a lot quicker than those sent from the states. i finally got dad's sweater about midweek. the present i asked chris to help me find for ludo still hasn't shown up yet, so i had to go out and get her another so she'll have something from me tomorrow. like she minds... two presents instead of one! being christmas, i'm sure there's a huge extra burden on the post systems everywhere. tonight we go to the extended family's place for dinner and traditional hoopla.
should be a good time. tomorrow will be even more fun, opening presentos and all. we're hanging here after having lunch with fab's mom and dad. the whole family seems different today, happier, more interconnected. it's good to see, even touching. i mean, sure.
i paint the picture of closed bedroom doors and separated sleep. but at lunch today, they actually sat down together, laughed, talked with each other without a certain someone yelling. ludo and jaco are so excited for christmas. i'd forgotten how being around children makes the holidays so much brighter. so last night i went for a run. this time not so far in case i got myself sick in the cold and put a big damper on my christmas.
when i got home, i took a shower and crashed. and missed anna's phone call!! true, she wasn't supposed to call until this morning. but when i woke up (early so as to make sure i got the call), the phone told me i had two missed calls. and she didn't call me this morning. so i know it was her.
bummer! i hung around my place until noon just in case. no call. no coffee. i suppose i expected as much. it is, after all, christmas eve.
and she was spending the weekend in austria. she might not have come back in time or had too much else to do before tomorrow. i'm not too disappointed. but i am a bit tired. this is the first time the whole trip that i've woken up before nine. i played video games with apo, read a play, make a bracelet with ludo, let her paint my toenails blue... did nothing active today at all.
so maybe i'm just feeling lazy. and i'm missing my family and my pals!! i guess it's about 8am out there. everyday, all day, i look at my watch, subtract nine from the time, and try to imagine what you all are doing. i'd love to hear from you all... i'll check my mail tomorrow without a doubt. ok... time to run upstairs, take a shower and make myself presentable.
not much to relay... not too much fueling my creative fire today. merry christmas, guys. you're in my thoughts. -c 12.25.2001 well, i'm hiding out in ludo's room while the family does their deal in the living room. a melange of italian voices streaming through a closed door. it's true, the sterotype of loud voices, everyone speaking over each other at once.
i thought i'd slip away to be alone with the puter for a bit, let them have their time together. not that my being in the room changes the course of conversation or its content. far be it for me to understand 1% of what's being said. last night was a good one. got to see one of the family members car collection, including a brand new ferrari (bright yellow) and a lamborghini (orange) with the biggest engine i'd ever seen. got to sit in the driver's seat while a proud owner revved the engine.
what a roar! me and jacopo went to check them out. he acted unimpressed, very cool. i razzed him about his composure, and he beemed. i love that kid. just wish i could reach him more often.
we ate planty of food, drank a ton of champagne... the meal was this: hand made tortalini in broth first, then a cold lobster, shallot, carrot, and celery salad, then a similar salad but with octopus, then baked muscles, then steamed salmon, then (isn't this crazy? ) a plate of steamed veggies, then a traditional salad, then a fruit plate... it was all fantastic. after the meal, a commotional outside got up all to turn around to face the backyard. a young man about my age was out there with a baton lit on fire, twirling it alla cirque du soleil. then breathing fire! it was super cool... the kids were screaming with delight.
when he finished, he came in to make balloon animals and juggle. very charming. desert was also great. two of those holiday log things, a rolled up cake about two feet long each. one was apricot, the other chocolate. i drank lambusco after the champagne was going dry, then a lemon liquor thing that was nearly frozen... very good.
there were about 25 people there in total. a very cool family, all in good spirits. even manuela was sentimental. and today too. i came downstairs when called upon, greeted with smiles, hugs and kisses by all (except jaco). we opened presents, had lunch (again, tortalini in broth, this super salty and fatty sausage type thing, mashed potatoes, salad, a goat cheese, red wine, and of course acqua frizzante), and then some more of the family made it over here.
there's about ... 15 people over here right now. as if that wasn't bad enough in terms of the noise, guess whose grandparents bought ludo a little drum set and a microphone? ah! calgon, take me away! i've got t.p. in my ears.
so manu and company bought me a bottle of perfume, the one she wears... i'd mentioned how yummy it is. miracle by lancome. and a fuzzyish vest. in return, i gave them champagne. and gifts for the kids. it's been a good time.
i'm elated to have had such a beautiful time this christmas, amidst worries of alienation and depression setting in being so far from home. but no, in fact just the opposite has occured. i'm feeling happier and more welcomed here than ever before. as i wrote in the card i gave to the parents with the champagne, i love each of them more every day i'm here. today definitely qualifies that statement. ok... it looks like my stint at the computer is reaching its end.
i have kids looking over my shoulder, drums being banged on two feet away. time to pretend to be participating in conversation again. i love you all so so much! please, have a safe holiday. and a fun and loving one! much love, charlotte 12.26.01 a quiet day, overcast and freezing.
the steets are empty, the town deserted. i went for a long walk this morning, hoping to find life returning to normal after the christmas holiday. only to discover that this too is a holiday. nothing is open except for coffee shops. i felt like hiding out today anyway. no phone calls or knocks at the door from the family, so i spent the better part of the day alone in my flat, reading, writing, watching more of the same ridiculous videos on MTV italia.
i tried to nap but couldn't. i did some laundry by hand just for something to do. with a rush of nervousness, i went ahead and knocked at their door to see if the computer could be mine for a moment or two. no post today. i'm dying for a delivery. i think i have about ten films on their way, a couple of CDs, a book or two... now that the family bought a new VCR/DVD player for christmas, i can finally return to my natural state as a movie hound.
i watched two last night, seeing as though no one was in the living room. "american beauty" - so great everytime i see it. and i always see something new in the shots that adds dimention to its brilliance. and "nights of cabiria" - a classic that always touches me. and it's italian, dontchaknow. manuela stood there and watched part of it for maybe two minutes before sighing and walking away looking bored.
i'd rather watch films with people, but i'm quite used to the solitude, the private voyeurism of watching alone. i'm kind of glad she left me. what a shapeless day. the sky is grey, no chance of rain or of any other character developing in the weather. there isn't even any breeze. no one is out walking.
it would be a good day to make some french onion soup... if only the stores were open to buy provisions. as it stands, i've barely enough food upstairs to make a meal out of it. ture, i can eat whatever i want down here. but i want to cook alone, play soft music and do something creative. maybe i'll hijack a couple of onions and bullshit my way through some soup after all. fab's sleeping.
jaco is playing video games. i expect this is manu and ludo coming in the door right now. nope, it's jaco's pal, marco. a little pink cheeked german-looking kid. he's nice... makes an effort to say hello. i'm wondering... now that the kids are out of school, am i free?
the structure of my responsibilities are as up in the air as ever. can i take some time now to plan a little excursion, albeit by foot, into the hills? can i make plans with anna without attaching a tentative footnote? speaking of anna, she didn't call sunday night. that was luis, my friend in san diego. poop!
not only did i miss talking to him, a dear friend. but she flaked. hm. little investment, little lost. still, it's a touch disappointing all around. today is for reflection and recharging.
i'm finally becoming more and more aware of how this trip is affecting me, changing me. i can see it in myself now, my composure steadying, my mind quieting, my perspective broadening. i'm feeling hesitant about returning to america, anticipating the estangement from what used to be so familiar. it's not something i can pin down exactly. more of a vague sense of separation. i suppose that means i'm growing more comfortable with my italian lifestyle.
i really do like it here. i'm not quite finished connecting words to this line of thinking, so i apologize if it seems to just hang out there unsubstantiated. i'm not sure what it is i'm trying to say. or maybe it makes perfect sense to everyone but me. i guess rereading what i just wrote makes sense enough, but it seems somehow incomplete. as is the process that's underway.
in addition to the incredibly generous amazon.uk gift certificate i got from my aunt paula and uncle pete for christmas, their holiday greeting included a very interesting proposal. they're planning their spring break travel, and are wondering if i'd have any inkling to join them in istanbul. not constantinople. (sorry, i can't help myself... that song comes up whenever i hear the word) would i ever! they're not sure so far exactly where they're going. maybe to paris, maybe stopping by bolzano.
but istanbul... now /that/ would be a culture shock! yahoo! bring it on! i'll have to work out the details, whether i can afford it, yadda-yadda- yadda. how cool of an invitation is that? i'd so love to travel outside of the western world, with the safety net of folks i know, love, and trust.
pete has been there before. an add-on excursion to their africa trip that the two of them went on this summer. an islamic democracy. now /that/ i have to see. well, it's about three o'clock now, and i ought to get some laundry started... the big things that can't be washed by hand and still hang to dry within a week's time. i feel like buying them a dryer.
it's so silly not to have one. you have to like /plan ahead/. keep the emails coming, you guys. i love to hear from all of you. much love, charlotte 12.27.2001 greetings, all. not much to report on around here.
i thought i'd make the most of my being broke and spend time on the computer rather than doing the shopping i was hoping would happen today. the stores are all open finally after yesterday's saint stephano haitus. however, i'm down to about 30 bucks in lire, and that's not going to get me very far. i wish fab was around this afternoon so i could bring up the money issue. after all, i'd be fine financially if i got paid already. the sky is so clear and bright, it reminds me of a santa ana in san diego summers.
only it's freezing. i went for a long walk again this morning, stopping at DESPAR for some snacky things and some beer for later. good thing beer is cheap, or i'd really be bummed about the cash flow situation. when i got home, i started another little writing project. a screenplay that i've been wanting to write for a long time. i stopped myself about an hour into it though, seeing as though i'd only have to transcribe it later onto a computer.
and i dunno... i just wanted something creative to do. the muse is not with me today. nor am i experienced enough with screenwriting to just b.s. my way through it until inspiration strikes. the day is mine once again. or at least i think that's the case.
do you really think they'd all-of-a-sudden start to tell me what their plans are out of nowhere? i'm left to guess. i coudl ask, ok. and i will, as soon as i don't need anything else down here and can take my dismissal and leave for the rest of the day. i'm anticipating anna's call at some point. that's the only thing on my agenda. to wait for a phone call that may never transpire.
ugh. i had nightmares last night that i kept missing the ring on my phone, that i'd look at it agian and again and it said "3 missed calls. " guess i'm a little miffed at having to wait by the phone for life to come to me, like a despondant teenager waiting to see if little johnny will call today. it's a slowed down version of life around here. i wish i had more ocntrol over some things. ok, again... i could call /her/!
but i already made the first move. i'd love to watch the film that arrived in the mail for me today. "deconstructing harry", the allen film from a couple of years ago. it's so funny! but i know there's little to no chance that it'll happen with the house full of folks. i'll have to wait until the place is empty so i can sneak some time in the living room.
i'm thinking about the premise and trying to relate it to what's going on here. harry block (how's that for a name? ) writes book, a thinly veiled account of his friends and family, and ends up pissing everyone off. can you imagine what would happen if the folks got their hands on what i've written in these emails? what would happen if i actually did do something with my account of this time here and they ended up reading it? i'd be toast.
manu especially would be pissed. she already can't stand me. and it's not as if i've drawn a glowing portait of her charm and compassion. well, i'm being edged off the computer here by ludo. and making me cranky for the lack of consideration. think i'll grab my phone and keys and take off now.
12.29.2001 well, you all. i would have been more diligent about keeping you all up to date. however, things aren't going so well over here, and i didn't have the time, the space, the energy to write until now. i think i mentioned to you all that i proposed to fab that we sit down and have a tete-a-tete this week to talk about the state of things. a proposal that he enmbraced, although nothing has happened since then. nor have i gotten paid... and i'm down to about 20 bucks because of it.
i figured i would have been paid by now. and i figured my taking a leap of faith by opening up the lines of comunication would have had some effect. but no. so i asked my dad to jump in to help, just to give a friendly reminder that i needed to be paid snuck in with an inquiry into how things are going. just because it hurt my feelings oh-so much, here's the exchange: Charlotte, I just got this e-mail from Fabrizio. Love... Dad ---------------------- Subject: Re: How are things going?To: jconrad@simssoftware.com Jim, Thanks for your e-mail.
I am sorry to tell you that from my perspective things are not going as well as I have imagined. This is something that I am going to discuss with Charlotte in the next days. I just wanted to wait for a while, but after a month it is time to face the situation. By the way, as Charlotte talks to Jacopo very seldom, it is really difficult to see any improvement of his language skill. Regarding the money, in my companies as in the rest of the country, employees are paid monthly and they get money by the tenth day after the end of the month. As Charlotte has begun on the 25th of November, she is going to be paid by the first days of January.
By the way, if she had asked for that, she would have got some money without any problem. Best wishes Fabrizio Prada Jim Conrad wrote: Fabrizio, This is just a quick note to say hello and ask you how things are going. We e-mail Charlotte just about every day and call her on the phone every week, but I'd like to hear how things are going from your perspective. From what I've heard from Charlotte, it sounds like she's doing well with Ludo and Jaco regarding their English language skills. By the way, I note from Charlotte that she still hasn't been paid for her services. The agreement that I remember from our meeting was $500 per month and she's already been there five weeks as of tomorrow.
While I'm sure that this is just an oversight, not only would I like to see her promptly paid, I think that weekly or bi-monthly payment would be more appropriate, to help her out with her cash flow situation. Regards, Jim Conrad how's that? ok, so the exchange is backwards. but there it is. i'm thinking now that it was a bad idea that i asked my dad to intervene on my behalf... although he hardly said anything earth-shattering. but the tide has turned.
fabrizio is not happy with me. not at all. he hardly speaks to me anyway, but last night was a special treat. he was angry. not outwardly. not his style.
but i could so tell. and no smile to match mine this morning either. is it getting colder in bolzano, or is it just me? i'm acting as if i never heard his response. or that my dad wrote to him. i don't think he expects that i know what he said to my dad.
so i'm playing it cool. and packing my bags quietly in my hovel upstairs. yep, after that information, i decided to take action, exercise my power to leave. even if i haven't yet changed my plane ticket. it feels good to see my luggage back otu in the open, my closet cleared except for a few things. there's no communication in this house.
not with me anyway. jaco is one problem. but it can't be solved or even worked on when they can't communicate with me or each other. i've tried my best. you all know how communicative i am. i just don't see this situation improving.
jaco isn't going to magically change. i can't force him to take this arrangement seriously. that ain't ma job. i'm not his therapist, and i can't reach him unless he meets me half way. as for the parents, i'm not into being... i can't just assume what they're thinking and let that be sufficient communication. if this were me in their shoes, i'd be monitoring the progress of the situation on a daily basis.
making an effort to make it work along side of the instructor. much like a parent would in the realm of regular education. checking homework, ya know? ok. well, the good news is that i'm hanging out with anna this afternoon. there's a lake that's frozen over, and we're going to go ice skating. with shoes, that is.
she has skates, i don't. i have to go now though to find out whether i have to bring the kids with me or if i'm free to actually do something alone. more later... -charlotte 12.30.2001 hello again. what a day i had yesterday!! i don't know about you all, but walking across a frozan lake is the coolest thing! anna took me out ice skating, then invited me to hang out at her place for dinner and beers.
i had such a good time, playing ice hockey with a little boy about 7 years-old. and talking to anna. and boy did we have a few things to say to each other. first of all, i got the scoop on the situation here in such clear detail. seems anna has know fab for a few years, long enough to be an ear to it all. and she didn't hold out a bit relaying what she knows to me.
it all makes so much more sense now. only, now i'm really realising how screwed up the situation is. how numbered my days are. the conversation began with anna telling me this: that when she heard fab tell her that he was having an american nanny come out to stay with them, all she could think about is how this is the /worst/ time in their family history to have such a thing occur. and why exactly? ... manuela has had this boyfriend of hers for quite some time... a couple of years at least.
however, it's only since very very recently that she has been "living her separate life. " as anna estimates it, about the time that fab returned from the states. this whole red-luggage-by-the-door thing, her leaving every weekend to be with the guy, all this is incredibly recent. a turn for the worse in terms of their family cohesiveness. obviously. anna told me how that manuela has recently undergone a huge image change, losing fifty pounds, becoming a fashion whore.
an identity crisis that rivals any i've ever witnessed. mid-life crisis anyone? yep, she's 40, on the dot. too too stereotypical. and as for fab. believe it or not (more to myself than to those of you who don't know him), fab has "come a long way," as anna puts it, from being super controlled to this state.
i can't imagine him being any less emotional, any less spontaneous. but as i hear it, he has changed a lot in that sense. and i found out about his lover. a 29 year-old australian woman named catherine who also teaches english like anna does. anna called herself the go-between for their relationship as it began, using her to relay information about each person's feelings for the other. i don't think it's still a situation, but i don't know for sure.
anna's name, for a long time, was a dirty word in this house. whether it was because they too had a relationship, i can't be sure. i have no real reason to disbelieve anna's insistence that it wasn't sexual, that she's "completely innocent. " but they did hit it off from the beginning, going out together for dinner at least once a week. the threat of another woman was enough to make them have to "cool it" for a while after the heat began to build back at the house. why manu would care if she's doing the same shit only worse, i don't know.
sounds like there's more to that than i'm being let in on. anna agrees with me that i'm not their therapist. i can't force jaco to talk to me. and now that i see exactly what's happening to his family, i feel bad for even being here. i can't do a thing to help them. and i'm more than convinced that my being here is actually a hinderence to their healing.
they've got a world of shit to deal with. and i'm not the band- aid thay thought i'd be. or rather, that fabrizio thought i'd be. i gather from anna that manuela had nothing to do with the decision of me coming here. no wonder she resents me, disrespects me, all the rest of it. does she see me as her replacement, a ploy by her husband to show her that she's not here enough to take care of her family?
does she think i'm here to facilitate their family's unraveling by granting her the freedom (and freedom of conscience) to leave whenever she wants to? either way, their family life is on the brink of disaster if not already there. my being here is a big mistake. and i think fab knows it. like i said earlier, we've yet to sit down and talk. he's still angry with me today, i think.
not as bad as the last two days though. and i think he's realising that this turned out to be nothing like what he'd hoped. so again today, i asked him if today was a good day to talk about things, or maybe the next day or two. again, i brought up that we need to discuss things. this, an entire week after the first time i proposed it. and he blew me off, saying "maybe.
we'll see. " what the fuck?! why is he stalling? how many times do i have to ask? i don't think he wants to talk. and ok, neither do i. the thought of the conversation that needs to take place had me in tears on the phone with my mom last night.
but we have to!! i'm not happy. he's not happy for much more significant reasons than i. but there's no use letting more time pass. it's only getting worse. and my patience is wearing so thin, i can hardly stand it. you guys, this is all so sad.
my disappointment, sure. i wanted so much that this turned out to be a wonderful experience. but it isn't. i'm hurting. what's worse is having to watch this family come apart... they're in so much pain. and i can't do a thing to help.
i don't want to be involved! this isn't my deal! and this is definitely not what was advertised. thank god for anna. she shed more light than i expected. she's such a breath of fresh air, really bright, insightful, happy, funny.
i'm so glad i got to spend time with her yesterday. i see why fabrizio has her as his confidante. he talks to her, it's true. which also lets me know that if she was so willing to divulge the truth to me about his situation, i can expect that the same will happen with what i've said to her. no problem. at least he'll find out eventually how i feel, what's going on.
and i didn't say anything i regret knowing that it's going to come back to him. so, he's blown it. he turned me down once again to discuss matters. so there's nothing else i can do but to pack my bags. there's no fixing the situation if the problems never get addressed. i plan to be back in san diego in a week or two.
phone calls would really help me these days, you guys. or i guess i'll be back soon enough to just sit down and really get to connect with you all. this sucks... i've made up my mind. i'm out of here. -charlotte 12.31.2001 ok, so here's my game plan. and yes, i'm forcing it to happen today.
first of all, i'm about to go into jaco's room and have a talk with him. i want him to tell me a few things... like if he really doesn't want me here, or if he's just shy. and maybe i can mention to him that if thinngs don't mprove with our interaction, his dad feels that the situation isn't wokring. and that i may be leaving much sooner than expected. maybe he does have some things to say... don't have anything to lose by confronting him. and next, i'm going to ask fab for some money.
i have about ten dollars to my name here right now, and it's bloody new year's eve. i want to go out tonight!! and also, tomorrow i have the whole day off again... and no money and nothing to do. of course, the family is going skiing without me. so at least i'll have the computer for the day. big whoop.
thanks for inviting me, fab! after i have a few bucks in my pocket, and hopefully a real portion of my payment if not the whole thing, i'm going to just bring up my dissatisfaction. again, nothing to lose. might as well just force th eissue on him. ok.... well, first thing's first. time to talk to jaco.
i couldn't tell ludo that i'm thinking of leaving. she'd flip out. gotta make sure he doesn't tell her, not until it's finalized. email later... -c 1.1.2002 i cannot believe there's no asperine in this house! help!! my head is killing me.
but hey, it was worth every bit of the pain i'm in now. i just surfaced from about twelve hours of sleep, and i still feel like crap. somehow we got the order wrong, starting with beer, then wine, then jack daniel's, then champagne. i was having such a good time, i forgot to take it easy on the beverages. so today i'm miserable. but at least i got to go out last night.
yep, anna ended up calling me in the afternoon to invite me out with her and eddy, her boyfriend. a small gathering at a friend's new place. fondue, fireworks... so so much alcohol. at first, she told me that she'd like to invite me, but she didn't think she could. i'm so glad it worked out that i could go. i needed to have one crazy night here in bolzano!
anna also mentioned to me last night that eddy's sister might want me to be the nanny for her two boys. ha! i don't know if i'd want to... after all of this, i'm kind of over it. but i'll think about it. she can't make a decision for sure for a couple more weeks anyway. i think it might be even more awkward to split my time with two families.
or to abandon one for another. still, the offer was nice. man, all i can think about is my hangover. i'd better crawl back upstairs before i'm spotted. the family is out skiing today. manu still in verona.
today would /not/ be the best time to have a chat with them. still have to tell you all about my chat with jaco though... before i go. i guess his dad hasn't talked to him at all about the situation, how it's going, none of that. so they're not talking about things either. jaco says he just doesn't want to talk in general, that it has nothing to do with me. so i told him that i know his dad is dissatisfied with the situation of my being here, that he won't talk to me about it though.
and that i'm planning on leaving in a week or two because it doesn't seem that things are going to improve. he didn't say much as usual, but he did convey to me that he and his dad say nothing to each other about my being here, his progress, his participation. wonderful. it wasn't like a long talk or anything. i didn't want to overwhelm him. but at least now i have more information.
and he knows what's happening. think i may try to get a ticket out of here at the end of next week. still no money for this... i'm afraid i'm going to have to write that off. duh.... i can't sit here any longer. more sleep. water.
(grunt) me not happy with head pain. -c 1.3.2002 Decisions have been made, words exchanged, plans arranged. I’m ready to leave. My flight out of here is on January 12th at 4pm out of Verona. Yes, I had a talk with Fabrizio, and yes, it confirmed all the things I foresaw as irreparable within this situation. Let’s start at the conversation’s beginning.
First, I approached Fabrizio after he got home from work last night, asked him if we could talk. He said yes, and then just stared at me as I tried to formulate a starting point. True, I wasn’t expecting that he’d break the silence himself to get the ball rolling. But maybe I was hoping he would say something, anything. I started with the money issue, asking him about the situation with payment. Well, he pulled a wad of lire out of his pocket, waved it at me, and said, “here’s your money.
And next time don’t go crying to your dad for it!” and threw it down on the table. He was so so angry! And for good reason, I’ll grant him that. I regret having asked my dad to help me out with that. It really got to his sense of pride. But I wasn’t about to have a discussion with him that began with verbal aggression.
He went on… “and second? What else do you have to say?” By this time, my eyes were tearing up pretty good. I could only shake my head and tell him, “no. not if you’re going to take that tone.” And I walked away, shutting the door behind me in the bathroom to choke out a few sobs to myself. I thought about leaving, postponing the discussion until the mood was more conducive to actually talking, less emotionally driven. But then I’d already received a call from my dad that evening telling me of my flight change.
And anyway, what good would it have done to wait any longer. He’d been storing up this anger for a week already. More time wasn’t going to soothe him. So I came back to try it again after a couple of minutes to gather my composure. He was still hostile with me, and in front of the kids, so I asked him if we could please talk in private, away from his children. We sat down in ludo’s room, shut the door, and had it out for about 15 minutes.
I don’t even know how long we were in there. To recount the entire conversation… nah. Not now anyway. Basically though, he feels that I haven’t done my job, that my inability to talk with Jacopo, to reach him, is my fault. That I needed to try harder, force him to do things with me. He thinks I’m too passive around the house, waiting for instructions all the time rather than taking control on my own.
Ok, that I agreed with him about. But my explanation to him that I act that way so as to not step on anyone’s toes, that this is their agenda I’m trying to work around, not mine, he didn’t pay any mind to. Like I’m supposed to make all the decisions? I’m treated like an outsider. Why would I think it fit to take the reigns? Anyway, i was able to explain to him that i feel incredibly uncomfortable in their house, the vibes i receive from his wife most of all.
he went on to tell me that she feels very uncomfortable around me as well. but would go into why, just left that hanging out there saying i'd have to talk to her about it if i wanted to know. which i don't. i've nothing to say to her really. nothing that will satisfy me as far as walking away feeling any better. i did mention to him, ever so gently, that maybe one of the reasons why jaco isn't talking more is because he's sensing some of the tension that's in this house lately.
whoa! that wasn't allowed. he stared at me so intensely, saying, "don't you dare try to mix the two. " well, come on, fab. you're a fool to think that just because you don't talk to your kids about your lovers that the kids aren't picking up the general mood of the household! he went on to say that his kids have no idea (right) and that it was going to stay that way.
like i was trying to get him to tell his kids, shit! he just didn't want to hear any mention of the possibility that some of this situation's failure had something to do with him. he blamed me for the whole thing. told me his was hoping that having me here would help the kids while he and his wife could be free to "live their separate lives. " that he and his wife had decided to "stay together for the kids," and that my being here was supposed to remedy some of the strain. ha!!
no kidding, you thought that. thanks a bundle for letting me in on this agenda of yours before i came all the way out here to discover this on my own. by the way, the idea of staying together for the kids in my world doesn't mean cohabitating (part of the week) and fucking other people on the side. it means STAYING TOGETHER. and what kind of a favour are you doing for your kids by letting your house become a void of secrecy and thwarted responsibility as a parent? so then he asks me, still blaming me for everything, never /once/ admitting a lick of responsibility, if i think i can try harder and do a better job.
still, this is a result of my failure. so i tell him no, that as the situation is, and without the communication i need from all parties, that no, i didn't think it was going to improve. that i'm done trying. that i tried my best as much as he would like to think otherwise. that this experience is /not/ a vacation for me. i'm not comfortable in their house, i'm not using my being here as an escape from my life back home, and that my entire life in italy is within these walls.
i'm here to do my job, and it's not working out. thank god i had the trump card to lay down. after all that blaming, i was able to cap the conversation with, "and i've already changed my flight ticket to have me leave on the 12th. " it felt good to have one moment of power, my power of decision to cut out. i saved that bit of info until the end, knowing that i can always change the ticket again if i saw there was room to improve things. and i wanted to hear what he had to say.
i told him it would have been so much easier if he had just communicated with me all along instead of waiting until things were this big mess of bottled up tension. that i could have taken some cues and worked to fit into their expectations better if only they'd spoken to me. guess that's more of a problem than what concerns me. so i'm out of here for sure. in the mean time, i want to make this next week as good of an experience as possible between me and the kids. i feel sad for ludo... but there's nothing i can do.
fab lied to me about what i was here to do. he pulled a fast one on me, and i'm not going to stick around. ok... enough writing. i can't wait to be home to see you all. i'm spending a night in london on the way home, an extended layover. so i have to make reservations for a hotel today.
more computer time. i wonder if fab told the kids i'm going. maybe he's going to let me be the barer of bad news. who knows. this sucks. --charlotte 1.4.2001 Yesterday was a bit of a switch.
Instead of the usual brush-off, I was surprised to actually find myself having a mutually compassionate conversation with Manuela. Yep, it seems she too is disappointed that the arrangement didn’t work out as we’d all hoped. But more than that, well… what struck me as different from what I’d expected, is that she backed me up that it’s not my fault that Jacopo and I were unable to connect. She apologized for the situation with him, saying that she too can hardly get him to speak to her, to get him out of his room, etc. additionally, she backed me up about how impossible it can be to talk to her husband about things, how he’s not exactly the warmest person and that she feels bad that the conversation the night before had to be so uncomfortable. She even went on the say that she feels bad that the two of us didn’t get along better, that “part of it is just me, how things have been…” So there!
She’s human after all! I wish she could have shown this side of herself, this ability to communicate without the power dynamic in place, a long time ago! well, i suppose that now that i'm leaving, there's no longer a façade to maintain. but it sure as hell makes me feel better now to be leaving with at least some semblance of an eye-to- eye understanding of where the /situation/ failed.. and not where /I/ failed. i still can't entirely get over how ego-driven fab is. for him not to take any responsibility for the way things turned out is fucking unbelieveable.
what an ass. and to think that by not admitting any fault that it wouldn't still rest on him. ridiculous. so i asked manu if she'd be needing me for the next couple of nights. one, because she was finally home from a week long vacation with her boyfriend and obviously was not going anywhere yesterday. and two, anna invited me to go for a coffee at some point today or tonight, and i wanted to be able to make plans.
she said i'm free to go, then inquired whether i'd be here for dinner. to which i said no, that after the conversation i had with her husband the night before, it was going to take me a couple of days to want to spend any time around him. i'm sure she understands /that/. i feel so incredibly good about leaving. this entire city is more fun now that i feel in control again. i'm having more fun with the kids too.
i bought ludo and jaco each a book this morning at a local bookshop. some silly thing for ludo and a copy of "lo hobbit" for jaco. he didn't come with us, so i thoguht i'd surprise him. hey, if he's going to isolate, he might as well find a healthy way to do it, make it work for him. i watched "LA Story" this morning and cracked up all over again. that movie is so LA.
nice to slip back into the culture i love. anna should have fun with my film collection that i've been able to put together over here. hell, she's making out! i figured i'd be here for so much longer... and once i knew i was going, it was too late to cancel any of the orders. i guess it could be worse. i could have no one worthy of the generosity to leave them with.
like the family! seriously, as i've told her, she helped me so so much during my stay here. the least i can do is to leave her with some things. and an open invitation to come out to san diego sometime and have an insider's tour from me. i'm going to miss her. can't wait to see her today/tonight.
will probably be the last time i see her though. that always sucks. hm. it's about time to make lunch for the kids, so i'd better get off the puter. thank you all for your emails. it means so much to me to have your support.
and let's party when i get home!! sunday night next week!! love to you all, charlotte 1.7.2002 As usual, the connection isn’t working, so i’m writing this in word expecting to cut and paste it later when it all works again. Sorry I haven’t emailed in a few days. I came down here on saturday to do some writing and start a load of laundry only to find the door locked. Yes, I have the keys.
But it was locked from the inside so that I couldn’t get in. all day too, not just the morning as if someone wanted to sleep in, have their afternoon privacy, etc. so that pissed me off, especially because it was my mom’s birthday and I couldn’t email her. And too, they know I need to use their house. I mean, what do they think I do all day anyhow? Without the kids to look after, I have nothing really going on.
Except then I found something to do. On saturday night, I finally made my way into town for a drink and some writing time. It was fun, had a few beers, met some guys. Well, we ended up seeing each other in town again at a different bar (the only one that’s open on sundays) the next day. After a drink, the one who I hit it off with the night before asked me to come out with them to another place for pizza and drinks. I was hesitant to hang out with them, seeing as though it’s not always the wisest thing to jump into a car with strangers, men, to go off into the mountains.
But I accepted. What else did I have to do? But I was pretty nervous, asking all the right questions of who was going to be driving home (i.e. designated driver) and where exactly we were going. A mild anxiety attack wondering if I was making a mistake, but hell. I needed to have fun.
I wasn’t too happy yesterday before I went out in the first place. We hit the road, driving up a narrow passageway through sheer cliffs dusted with snow. It was breathtaking. I wish I had pictures of it. About 30 minutes of winding around in second gear, the light faded and night fell. By the time we got there, I realized that we were on top of the mountains that we can see here from bolzano in the distance.
At a ski resort called obereggan. I think I’m spelling that right. We got out, it was freezing. Seven of us, me the only girl, fought our way through the crowded tavern to a booth in the back. Beers, pizzas, pannini… the guys were super nice, struggling through their English to keep me in the conversation. we used french and spanish when we got stuck on a word or expression that we coudln't convey.
for a while, we all just decided to stumble along in french because it was easier. and because i felt better having to struggle through my foreign language vocabulary for a while and let them know that i was trying too. not just leaving it up to them to meet me on my terms of communication. A band played covers of mostly American music. Stomach turning renditions of bon jovi, you guys. But it was cool.
Many toasts, plenty of laughter, good pizza, decent local hooch. settling the bill was hysterical. no, they wouldn't let me pay for a thing. but watching them haggle was a riot. they weren't arguing with each other, they were just harrassing the server, trying to make it as hard for him as possible, mixing lire and euro, tossing in a few more coins as the scene continued just to keep him working on his calculator. when they finished, they gave the dude a round of applause that had the whole place looking at us.
so funny. after that, we hit a bar a few feet away that was a big tipi. a circular joint packed beyond max capacity. we had another beer, i fought to speak with a woman who i'd met outside. her english is pretty good, but it didn't help having to yell over the music. i gave her my email address, and we agreed that we'd hook up this week.
her name is maggie. speaks german first, then italian. but both perfectly. damn, these people are amazing. why don't americans speak multiple languages like this? i'm so envious!
so, we left. a safe drive home, thankfully. pipo, my little man-pal, drove nice and carefully. we hadn't that much to drink anyway. just beer and not too much of it. we ended up back at the place we all met at last night, bar del corso i think, where one of the guys works.
the place was closed, so we kept the lights off and crept in. we had a couple more beers (now that driving wasn't an issue) and ate penne (out of a bucket basically - from the kitchen, free, no need for plates). there was a football game on, inter vs. someone.... we weren't really watching. it was a great time. i decided to leave, get the walk home in before it was too late, but not before getting a little lovin' from pipo. i may or may not come find them tonight.
i think i have to be here... to pick up ludo from school at 4:30, but then mondays i'm supposed to have the night off. we'll see... i haven't seen or heard from the family since friday. i did get to see anna yesterday morning. we went for a coffee... a popular thing to do on a sunday. we stopped into three places before settling on a fourth that had a table opening up. it was packed and loud, but we got a good hour's worth of conversation in there.
i'm sad to have to say goodbye to her. i've been able to tell her at least about my grievances with the situation, which i know will filter back to fabrizio once i'm gone and their relationship resumes. it's nice to be able to vent to someone who genuinely cares to hear it. and it's an added bonus to know that fab's going to hear about it eventually. she tells me plenty about him. about how even if i just bowed down and claimed all the responsibility for this situation not working out, he still would behave the way he is with me.
he's so full of pride, so unaccustomed to failure, so spiritually vacant (so says anna)... he's finding that all that he's worked for his entire life, the perfect education, the perfect job, the perfect family... all either mean nothing in terms of what's going to make him happy or are just plain unraveling. and when it started to go south for him, he decided to grab a girlfriend to fill the void, a move anna tried to sway him from. she tells me that when he approached her with the news about he and catherine starting a relationship, she told him she thought he was making a mistake. that he should be looking inside himself to fix what's hurting him, not to look for external solutions. seems an obvious assessment, right? canned advice?
well, anna says that he just looked at her like she was speaking chinese. duh. what is that? like, take-care-of-yourself 101? she also let me know something that has me tickled. that the trump card that i played with him at the end of our blow-out conversation must have infuriated him.
that i'd already made my decision and booked my flight, ending a conversation he thought he was dominating with a K.O punch... anna says it must have wrecked him. (big smile on my face) GOOD! shit, i haven't even seen him since that. anna assures me that he's ingesting plenty of it. my assessment is this: things are going to get a lot worse around here after i'm gone. i think my being here, compounded with the much bigger stuff that's already failed, is going to shake things up.
it may not be immediate. but i think this disaster is just beginning. no one has even started to work on this stuff! they're all still in the cover-the-cracks- with-duct-tape mode. yikes! i'm so sure my decision to leave is a good one.
before the heavy shelling begins. well, anna's feeling sorry for me, realising i'm feeling pretty down in the dumps about everything. even cried, for just a second, with her on the walk home from coffee yesterday. with my hands in my coat pockets, i leaned my head against her shoulder while she held me for a minute. maybe the most powerful minute of my time here. she asked if we could hang out again before i go, and when i looked at her in silence with a face like "you must be crazy", she thoguht that meant no.
ah! quick!! i stuttered to correct her, that i was thinking of some way of phrasing my eternal, undying gratitude, not turning her down. jesus! she's only the best thing i've found in this whole continent. so we'll see each other again.
and when i realised that i wouldn't have to say goodbye to her for good on that empty sidewalk yesterday, i also realised that my tears from a second before were because i was missing her already. -sigh- five days to go. -c 1.9.2002 this connection finally came up. first, here's what i wrote yesterday but couldn't mail: ________________ It seems so often lately that i can’t immediately connect to the DSL line. I’m not liking that. Then again, it’s not like I have too much longer to deal with it.
Four more days! And even better, this one is almost over, and I have all my nights free this week. Yahoo! I got a text message on my phone from maggy today. She asked me to go out with her on wednesday night at 21.30. I don’t know what we’ll end up doing, but she’s nice enough and very eager to have someone to speak with in English.
Two important features in a pal for a night. Tonight I’m free as well. I decided to take a night off from the boys last night, but I may go out and find them tonight. Nothing much else to do. Fending for myself for dinner is never very exciting with the cooking capacity of my little cucina. Ii would be fun to go out to eat, but that takes /real/ guts to count on my Italian to get me through ordering and paying the tab.
And alone… that ain’t fun. Maybe the guys will feel up to something. Or maybe I’ll just hang out at the pub down the street and watch sports. Last night, the raiders vs. jets game was on. I was so the only one in the place watching it. Drinking a corona.
So southern Californian. I finished packing for the most part today. More accurately, I made my final decisions as to what’s going to have to stay here clothes-wise. There just isn’t enough room for everything. I packed heavily coming out here, and with ski pants and new shoes and sweaters, it doesn’t leave much room in my suitcases for things I’ll never wear again. Maybe I should look into the shipping costs to send things home that way.
I feel silly about this trip ending… I mean, I feel a lot of things about this trip ending. But this strikes me as weird. I’ve taken maybe ten to fifteen pictures since I got here. That’s it. And none of anyone in the family but ludo. And only one of anna.
Ah! I’ve got to make a last minutes effort here to change that. And too, I haven’t been able to find /anything/ that’d be suitable to bring home as souvenirs for folks. I mean, there’s nothing truly Italian here that you can’t find at home. Sorry to all of you who had your hearts set on that coliseum snow globe. I’ll have to try harder with that one.
I can’t come back empty handed. But what!!?? Maybe anna can help me to think of something. Jesus and mary figurines? Nah… mexico is already so close for that kind of shopping. I’ve got a couple of sweet treats.
But that’s not as much fun as it could be. Damn this connection! It just blue screened on me because it can’t connect. More is wrong with it than just a busy line, I’m afraid. Wah! I want on!!
Well, if it crashes on me again, the computer blue screening or the lights go out in the little dsl line box again, I’ll just have to try sending this again tomorrow. Jaco just finished his german lesson. Now it’s ludo’s turn. Jaco’s leaving for tennis. And as soon as one of the parents returns, I’m out of here. It’s weird having the time off.
I know it’s more because Fabrizio doesn’t want to see me than because they really didn’t have plans at all this week. Last night when he got home- Well, I was told ahead of time by manu that when he go home, I was to leave. So he got home last night, walked passed the door without looking in and said hi, then went into his room and shut the door. So I grabbed my keys and left. Dunno if either one of us was being particularly rude. But if what anna says is true about how Fabrizio is, he’s definitely not going to be in the mood to see me at all before I leave.
Nor do I feel all that much excitement about experiencing more brusque treatment. Do I try to speak to him again? Can we leave it at that? Can I handle it being left any worse than it is now? Do I lay it on the line that I think it’s wrong for him to try to blame me for the situation not turning out. ‘Cause shit, even if I was just doing a bad job, it’s not very mature of him to treat me this way.
Or do I just walk away, let him throw his silent tantrum for my failing him, eat it because there’s no way for me to make him come around? These questions and many more… Ok. I give up on this today. It’s still not connecting and I want out of here. 1.9.02 still this thing won’t connect! I don’t know if I’ll be able to even use a computer before I get on the plane to come home.
Something just isn’t right about this system. If it wasn’t Italian windows, I’d try to fix it myself. What began as a quiet night at new pub down the street ended up to be a late session of beer drinking and laughs at bar del corso. Pippo showed up eventually, but I had a lot more fun with the others who were there. New pals. One woman spoke decent English, enough to understand me and translate.
It’s so nice how people actually care to be that go between, that they enjoy it, being able to talk to me. So tonight I have plans with maggy. And tomorrow? I think I should give anna a call to set something up with her. Suddenly, my social calendar is filling up. And well, she takes precedence.
I’d be sad if I didn’t see her before I go. she would be too. _________ok, im on________________ On my way out last night, it was really dark as I headed out to the outer gate through the courtyard. nadia, the russian cleaning woman, happened to be walking out at the same time. we can't communicate really, but we're friendly. I saw someone walking towards me, but I couldn’t tell if it was Fabrizio or not.
He usually doesn’t come in that way. So I just kept looking, trying to make out who it is. Then he mutters a hello as he passes me, and I feel like a chump and respond. I turned around to nadia after he passed us and we laughed, me pointing my eyes and remembering the word for dark. so at least he doesn't think that i was blowing him off. if i'm going to blow him off, i want him to be quite sure that it's intentional.
ah... there's not much else to report from this end. i'm dreaming of home, a little worried about the readjustment process but eager to start it. i keep dreaming that i'm already home, something that i've done since i got here. always, i think in my dream that i have to go back. nope! really, i wouldn't mind doing italy again but next time as a tourist.
the people here are cool, the scenary is great. but it's going to take me a while to let these bad feelings settle before i'd think of returning. i think i'll call anna now after all. to make plans earlier rather than later to make sure we do get a chance to say our goodbyes. i wish i could have met her on different terms. she's a super cool chick.
i wish our connection had less to do with a crisis, me complaining. oh, and let me clear up for you that i was not locked out of the house on saturday. there's two deadbolts, and on the one, if you don't turn the key all the way (it goes around about four times before it's completely finished unlocking), there's a hook that catches that's like another lock. ha! so i bow down. they're not as mean as i thought.
ok... time to get some stuff done. maybe a movie. -charlotte 1.10.2002 hi again, y'all. well, it's thursday now. only a couple of days to go! yahoo!
i'm so ready to leave. what will happen to my newly rediscovered love for email? i might go through communicative withdrawls. do i ever have an interesting tidbit to relay! at least i think it's interesting. yesterday, ludo had balletto at five.
so i went with her. i'm not exactly sure why that's necessary seeing as though we're dropped off and picked up by manuela. and it's not as if i'm to stay in the studio while the lesson takes place. ludo's concentration just isn't the same when she knows i'm watching her. but i'm glad i went. here's the scoop.
the ballet teacher, barbara, is an adorable young women, a few years older than me. and as i mentioned before, her english is pretty good. so we spoke before the lesson got underway. i announced my departure on saturday, and /immediately/ she asked if it was because i don't get along with manuela. ha! i laughed, confirmed her suspicion, and then asked her "so what do /you/ think?
" no, i'm not the only one who has a hard time with manu. she wanted to sit down with me to talk, so we did, me slumped against the wall while she contorted herself into a pretzel. i felt so ungraceful in her presence. she begins to tell me how she knows a bit about the situation at home for ludo. i didn't offer her anything new specifically. she already knew enough to where it wasn't necessary to discuss it all the same.
she's angry with the parents. she knows they have lives on the side, that manuela goes off every weekend and so does her husband. and she's upset about it. she tells me that she sees the change in ludo's behaviour. how emotionally unbalanced she's become, one day wild and crazy and the next day withdrawn and passive. she's saddened to see her struggling.
and she's not as compassionate towards the folks as i am. not at all. she says, "you know, some people shouldn't have children. manuela is one of them. " whoa! "if you don't have time for your children, you're a bad parent.
" whoa! she went on to say how every week, ludo is with someone else who's looking after her. she gets passed around to babysitter after babysitter, to friend's parents, to anyone who can pick up the slack for manuela and fabrizio's unavailability. how sad is this? and how glad am i to have someone offer up this perspective without me having to divulge anything classified! i told her about jacopo's silence, and she looked pained.
and that fabrizio thinks it's my fault for not being able to reach him. i told her about how i was lead to believe that i was coming here to be a part of the family. and before i could finish my thought, she interjected, "that's not a family. " so! in case anyone out there thinks i'm just being too dramatic, too sensitive to the situation.... i've got alternate sources. this is way fucked.
when i left after ludo's lesson concluded, i put my hand on her shoulder to let her know i was going. she stood up, hugged me!, then gave me the usual kisses on the cheeks. i've only seen her twice, mind you. "i don't blame you for leaving. " is what she said as i turned to go. what a scene, huh?
and by the way, manuela didn't even know when the lesson ends. she called me at six, asking where the hell we were. try six thirty, manu. it's always been til six thirty. i couldn't help but let out a playful, "i can't believe you didn't know that. " ridiculous.
when we got home, it was time to get ready to go out to meet maggy, the woman i met on the mountain top. i was glad to get out, spend some time with the locals. she drove all the way down here from godknowswhere, about 30 minutes away to the north. she was so excited to see me. i felt like a celebrity. she brought her friend along, the same guy she was with the night i met her (just a friend, she assures me).
he's a sculptor. sat there and drew a couple of pictures of us talking on napkins. i saved one and took a picture of each of them. we spoke of work, movies, traveling, skiing, and yes... the family. she and her friend (i forget his name, unfortunately) couldn't believe i stayed here this long considering all that's going on. i gave them the short version of it all, trying to be aware of the fact that not everyone is as interested or involved in the situation as i am.
but no, they kept asking me more and more questions. everyone seems to agree that it's little ludo who's getting the worst of all this, myself included. we had a good time, only staying for about an hour or so. maggy kept saying how much she wished we had met each other earlier on in my stay. which i agree, but she was a little more taken with me that i with her. which is fine... it just felt a little imbalanced.
after she left, she sent me a text message on my phone (i love that feature!! ) that read, "you are a positive person, you are beautiful inside. thanks for tonight! " how sweet is that? so thusday. i have the whole day to myself.
ludo is staying at a friend's house tonight and going there straight after school, so i don't have to pick her up. i don't have to do anything until tomorrow when i get her from school. it kind of seems strange to me that she'd leave when i leave so soon. but whatever. i can find a way to entertain myself. i meet up with the guys tongiht at six.
i got a picture of luca last night wearing a sombrero and drinking a margarita (which i showed the bartender how to make). i hope it turns out. he's adorable. and tomorrow i have plans to see anna at 11.30 in the morning for a coffee and to say our goodbyes. i wish we could do it today instead. i just know i'll be emotional after i walk away... and then i have to go pick up ludo!
i hate that. i'd rather let it out, stew, regain my composure, then be seen in public again. but i'm at the mercy of anna's schedule. and really, i'm just grateful that i get to see her one last time. hopefully i'll get a few more pictures of her too. and maybe even one of me while i'm at it.
i haven't had anyone take one of me since i've been here. and then saturday i'm off. it turns out (gulp) that fabrizio is taking me to the airport. argh! no no no... maybe this is perfect. it's he who i have the lingering feelings about.
he invited me here. we need to talk a little one last time before i go. i don't have an agenda in mind. i think it would be best not to generate expectations, just to listen and respond as i see fit as the conversation happens. and you know, i was thinking this morning. if i really hated him... ok. not "hate"... but if i really wanted to be mean to him, i wouldn't give him any information, any insight, any suggestions to help.
i would just let him bask in his dimness, let him believe that he's in the right 100% and that every thing is all my fault. he has a chance to learn a lot from what went down with me. ...ok, so i'm only saying that to take the pressure off myself to talk about things. to let me feel powerful in not communicating to the point i truly think is necessary. alright. time to hit the store for food, maybe into town for some silly trinkets or postcards.
i have to have something to show for my trip in material form. besides all this writing. _50 days in hell_ by charlotte conrad, available from simon and shuster, hardcover, $29.99. 'til tomorrow. then that's it. i'll see you all at home.
-charlotte 1.11.2002 Ok, so you know how when you use Microsoft word, under the file menu it lists the last four files that have been accessed. Well, guess whose are the first two… good thing I know better than to leave anything in them. I selected all of both documents and deleted them before closing the program, so they were saved as blanks. Ha! Whoever tried to access them must have been disappointed. So again, the dsl line won’t connect immediately.
So I write in word, expecting to cut and paste later… if it comes on while I’m here. Anna should call me around 11.30 to meet me for a coffee. I can’t wait to see her, although true too, I’m not looking forward to having to say our goodbyes. I’ve got manuela’s Dido CD playing as usual. The last song is so fantastic… I might have to buy it for the plane trip home. Speaking of spending money, I wonder if I get paid for the last 11 days of working here.
Or do I have to wait until the following month (haha). Don’t worry, I’ll ask about it on the trip to the airport. Pray for me that it’s not a dramatic exit, my car ride with Fabrizio. I wish it was Manuela. Somehow she’s become a less threatening figure to me. It’s wild how that switched.
Last night, after finishing writing in the remaining pages of my journal, I decided to sit back and read what I’ve written in there about my experiences here. What a trip. The writing in there is different from what I write in my emails. More emotionally based, more how I’m feeling and less about what’s actually going on. It was fun slipping back into the feelings, although the feelings weren’t exactly fun ones. I’m glad I’ve been writing about all of this.
Keeps it from becoming just one big exhausting blur of events. It’ll help me to remember. Some of my friends that I’ve met here invited me to go out to a discotec tonight. Which would be a hoot. But I think the family just might want me to hang out with them. At least, I would assume so.
Ludo does, I know that much. Poor kid. She’s going to have a hell of a time having to adjust to my being gone, having to find someone else to bond with. I want to stay here tonight just for her. Maybe after she goes to bed, I’ll go out. But tomorrow I have to wake up early to leave for the airport.
For some reason, I’m getting dropped off there at like 9am when my flight isn’t until 4:30 in the afternoon. Kind of tacky of them to offer to take me and then make me have to sit there for that long doing god knows what. But hey, just that much quicker that I get the hell out of here. Time at an airport is hardly worse than a long afternoon here at the house. How do I leave things with the family. To Jacopo, a casual, “see ya,” will suffice.
Ludo will involve some tears and a lot of gentle reassurances. The usual cheek kissing to say hello and goodbye just doesn’t feel like a comfortable gesture between me and manu. We’re on handshake level of intimacy. Would it be super rude to dodge her? Or fab? to self: don't be an asshole, charlotte.
just get out of here safely. ok... that was anna, so i'm outta here. my hands are shaking. why?! maybe more later... -c 
