  My baby doll is going through stuff, and I cant do a thing to fix it. Damn those real world problems! I want my girl to feel good!! And I want to be her friend when anything more seems ridiculously uncalled for.
What else can I do but be there for her? I know well the times when I shut down for reasons beyond rationality. I guess Im just used to it only being me who does that. Im honoured to be on the other side of it. Gathering an appreciation for those who love me despite myself. A phrase I brought to the table with Kerri tonight. Probably killed the impact by deconstructing the verbiage in front of her, the choice of the word despite instead of in spite of.
Nothing like the brain to kill the emotional poignancy. Shes distant. I adore her so much. And I think (I think) I can see her well enough to see through the behaviour and into the deeper workings of her mind. But how am I to know? I was raised with a woman who had me play games with assuming her background and baggage.
Relationships entail empathy. And I havent lost that. I just hope she gets that. I understand more than I communicate. After all Ive been through, I can interpret and appreciate a lot. How do you communicate that? She read my blog from the other day. The one where I spoke about the hard time I had with her turning me away. To talk about it hurt, so I avoided it. But she persisted, clearing up what she thought was an ambiguous space lying between us.
But the thing is, I get it. I just didnt want to talk about it. I suppose thats my baggage. Im a little less enthusiastic when it comes to dealing with things head-on. I shrank. I was afraid I wasnt being perceived accurately. I tried to explain my way out of something she already understood. Sounds to anyone whos listening, the two of us are going through the same things. Shes got some time off in the coming days, but Im not too expectant that Ill get to see much of her. Which is fine, but I love being with her. I love telling her about how I feel when Im with her. It doesnt wreck my life to go without, but when someone asks Im sure as hell going to tell them when I feel so fabulous in their presence!
Shes a doll. Such a unique soul. Such a passionate person, full of life and sensitivity. Theres never been anyone like this woman in all my dealings. I try to tell her how incredible she is, how individuated her worth. But tell that to anyone, and they balk at the expression. I just want her to feel for herself  of what I feel about her. Turn the tables, and Im not sure what would happen.
People before her, however, have filled the space that my sickeningly depraved sense of self has left open. I understand. Im grateful for the lovin I get from people who see me better than I do. Its creepy. I havent eaten a goddamned thing all day. Id better go augment my blunder with a trip to my local burrito joint. Adieu. And if this is Kerri reading my blog I love you, sweet thing. Youre a /doe/ is sheeps clothing. 
