  Another fabulous show on KSBR 88.5fm, Bobs A Whole Nuther Thing . I just had to email him again (Ive done it once before) to thank him for such a great program. Bands and artists we love, songs that the shit stations never play anymore or ever. Having been born in the late 70s, I missed so much of this the first time around. Something sensually satisfying to listen to Van Morrison and Dire Straits on a late summer afternoon. Sadly, my favorite: urlLink Your Latest Trick was skipped.
But then, I'll be sure to go fucking find it to make the day complete for meself. I got some sunshine, showered it off, and now Im indulging in the glow of latent radiation. And doing what I can to stretch out a back that made it take 20 minutes to make it off the lawn chair and inside after lying on my stomach (yes, with a pillow under my hips to keep the thing from bending back). How I can be sore from lying prostrate? In a month, it will have been two years since my surgery. Thats how.
It's not supposed to be better yet. Still gives me the willies to think of what Ive got implanted into my body. Talking with Andrea made me feel a bit better about Mani/Ritchie. I know this: he did it in a hotel room. hed just finished school this term, was at my graduation, and there he earned his second masters degree. his divorce was just finalized.
I like knowing the whys. I like being able to fit all the pieces into my head at once to feel the whole picture he was seeing before he did it. Like my uncle. Drinking, losing his fianc his military past and the wounds from that that he couldnt heal, his fathers wrath. Unlike my parents, Im not mad at Cliff. That level of despair is nothing to be selfishly angry about.
Cliff killed himself on Christmas Eve with a shotgun to his face in the basement of his aging parents home. That sucks, my man. I cant imagine the anger he must have been feeling to shove it in their faces like that. Ill never forget being 16, in between hospitalizations for my own suicidal ideation, and playing that answering machine message when I came home one day to an empty house. My grandparents struggling to break the news. On the fucking answering machine.
How alone they must have felt. How pained. They buried a child, a daughter, in the 40s, and they still cant talk about it. I dont even know her name. Then my having to call my parents. That was a scary day for me.
Because I get it. I know that pain way, way too well. And it remains scary - since, statistically, people are more likely to commit suicide if theyve a family history of it. Theyre just angry, my folks. Of course, I know them better than to deduce thats as far as the feelings go. I was glad for my dad that he was alone with my mom to grieve about that.
Poor man. Whew! No crying on a Saturday! Ill put this up already and stop depressing myself. Really, its terribly sad. The whole affair of living on this earth.
But shit, Ive felt the other extremes. Bless them both  both men and both extremes of being. That pain and the rapture. Im a hedonist for a reason. Elation is what I live for. The agony is what we all live with in the interim.
KSBR: Way of the World, After the Love is Gone  Earth, Wind and Fire Golden Lady, Mary Wants to Be a Super-Woman - Stevie Wonder 
