  Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Im so tired of making mistakes. Im tired of being confused and hurting. All this posturing to seem more together than I am, Im sick of it. Why do I never feel like I have people in my corner even when I do? I knew Id be spending the day like this the minute I woke up. I dreamt I cut myself last night and woke up thinking about it.
Not even a sharp knife is making me feel better. I dont know what Im doing right anymore. I wish I had someone around to look at my life and point out something positive so I could get a sense of where I stand. I want to spiral today. I want a breakdown. I want some kind of control over my feelings, even if that means destruction. I want to do push-ups until I fall on my face. I want something to break under my hand. And I want a new, private blogsite to put my feelings where I dont have to preemptively negotiate what the response from my readership will be. 
