  Hm. What can I say this morning? I slept in as late as I could. Cold feet all night, sweaty face. Glad I went to bed early but disappointed that Kerri was having a rough go of things. I would have liked to stay up with her. So, what if she doesnt come around? What if all of this is her way of telling me without telling me that shes not ready to be doing this? How much do I give before it doesnt honor me anymore? Am I slipping into that familiar role of giving without the possibility of taking?
I worry about these things. Mostly in the morning when I still don my pjs and carry a French press up the stairs and back into bed. I dont know what Im doing. And if its any measure of my predicament, I actually considered going to church this morning. Me, church whod have thought? I think I need it though. The sense of community, the bedrock of some imaginary ideology to rest against. With an attitude like that, I dont think its going to work. Like I said, I considered it. Im on my own here. I suppose we always are no matter what the circumstances, ultimately. So why do I say that? Am I trying to rephrase the situation with me at the centre again?
Am I striving to reorient myself after making subtractions to the equation, just to be safe about how I proceed? Im not sure Im not losing anything by doing this. By hanging around in a third space between coming and going. Im left wanting. A vacuous space opens up that leaves me vulnerable. So am I afraid of the vulnerability? Attempting to secure myself by closing it down? Yeah. Ok, yeah. Ill go with that. I have a history too, and its an emotionally volatile one.
I dont want more disappointed hurt. I dont want to suffer another conditional relationship with someone whos not in a position to give as I give. True, theres a pleasure in just giving. But I have to watch my back. I have to be more careful with how freely I let myself love, guard my heart a little closer. 
