  Jeff foxworthy, stand down! You know youre a drunk when You go out for donuts on a whim after 8pm. And you bring a package of marshmallow Peeps with you for back-up in case theyre closed. You know youre a drunk when Your grocery list reveals cat food, cat litter, cigarettes, and beer.
Nothing more. You know youre a drunk when You can tell an old person driving a Lincoln Crown Vic from a cop in your rearview by the speed of those lights coming after you. You know youre a drunk when The recycling bin takes the help of a neighbor to wheel it into the street. And thats two feet from its resting place. Forget about the bottles that get cast in the actual trash.
You know youre a drunk when The guy at the liquor store asks you how your screenplay is going. You know youre a drunk when You have to set out on a hunting expedition to find where your parked car ended up, hoping its not just impounded. You know youre a drunk when Your upper arm reads, Angela. You know youre a drunk when Your body looks like it could crush a bull, your stomach like it could cushion its fall. You know youre a drunk when Youve already gnawed off one arm, and there you have another unsavory catch in your bed the next morning.
You know youre a drunk when Youve written your ex a poem who wont even answer your calls when youre sober. You know youre a drunk when You clean out your car, and you have to wheel the recycling bin around. And get out the Fabreeze. You know youre a drunk when Your blood-alcohol levels exceed your GPA. a-thank you. 
