  Anger. You know, anger hits me in exactly two places. One, when someone has hurt me. And two? When an old hurt that I havent yet grieved properly surfaces on me. So tonight.
Im angry, yes. But now that I sit still with it, Im just plain hurt. Am I that bad of a person that Kerri wont even talk to me? Did I love her so horribly that shed want to wedge such a separation? Or more likely, am I that na to think a failed relationship should reformulate into rational communication in such a short time? Maybe its good that I never hear from her again.
Makes me create a sense of anger more readily applied than if I still spoke to her (too hard for me to direct it rightfully). I feel safer when I hate her for disappearing. DISAPPEARING! I dont do that, so I dont understand. Maybe more seasoned souls get it better than I do. Ive never just walked away from someone.
Even knowing its over, I still talk to the person and allow for residual shit to work itself out. How do you just walk away? Let me in on the process. Its helpful for next time, yes? What it feels like? It feels like I dont matter.
That she cared so little about me, she blundered through a connection without weighing the potential consequences. She saw that it wasnt what she wanted, and she moved on like it didnt cost a thing. Thats what it feels like. Im so upset tonight that I let her have the most intimate parts of me without a receipt in exchange. Spent my last dime on an Ebay auction from someone with a shitty rating. No one to kick but myself for sending the funds to a suspicious seller.
FUCK! I bought Christmas cards today, and I wanted to send her one. I still do, but I dont think Ill end up allowing it. I should be livid with this woman. Why do I let her shitty handling of us get to me so often, in so many ways? Why did I let this happen?!
Her silence leaves this giant vacuum of emptiness that can only be filled with my useless hollering. I know its empty. I know she fucked it up by leaving like that. I wonder now, what the hell was I doing playing with her anyway? Shes like, /old/, and she has years of accumulated baggage I cant even begin to imagine. Were on diametrically opposed trajectories in our respective lives.
Why do I sign up for such things? I knew shed do this from day one. I think I thought I was worth enough to change things for her. Thats it, I know it. Pretty crazy pressure I put on myself. That Im worth enough to make her forget/overcome a lifetime of relationship wounding.
Im not angry at her. Fuck, I love her. Im angry for being alone. For the difficulty that lies in making myself vulnerable. For wanting to connect. For needing anything beyond what I alone can supply. 
