  I know this is kind of tacky to post online, but heres my take on things told to my aunt, Paula. Its not 100% real because its not to Kerri.
Id balk at mentioning I think there was more involved in our break-up than what I did. Its more comfortable for me to blame it all on myself. So blame away if you like. Im giving you all the option. And here too, before such a monologue is published, are the pictures Ive been promising to post. hi, paula. i got your message tonight. sorry we missed each other. yeah, haven't been doing so hot.
there's a lot involved here with me and Kerri. i've been taking it harder than i should... now that i had tonight with a friend, asking him to verify my suspicions that it's not my fault exactly. i've been upfront from the beginning about what's going on with me and where i'm at with relationships. how i've never really been in one outside of my therapist/Nightmare. and my propensity to mask it and other pain with alcohol. it used to turn her on for me to have beer breath. then when it got involved, that became the central focus for her.
which is predictable seeing as though she's sober and went way further than me with the drugs when she did them. but my yummy, sexy beer breath turned into a crime of mine for her. me and my friend Bryan agree; it was an easy way out for her. she too told me from the beginning that she's mortally wounded from her past girlfriends. she said again and again that she's going to have to deal with a lot to be fully present with me.
i listened to and comforted her through all this, but i don't think i was fully listening. she was telling me no, even though her hands and sex were telling me yes. i believed what felt better. and so, here i am. i'm glad i can rest knowing it wasn't my horrible coping skills that killed the relationship even before it got going.
i hurt all the time, and drinking at the end of the day is my relief most days. unless i'm seeing her... i didn't around her. until one night when she pushed me off of her and i was reminded too strongly of my relationship with the married therapist. i sulked with guilt, and after that, everything ran quickly to a conclusion. what i regret most is that i didn't show my cards sooner. my coping showed before the extent of my wounding did. i tried too hard (out of habit, out of too great an empathy for another's pain) to show that i care about helping another thru their stuff without honouring my own reaction to an intense situation.
i was so good with her. holding her while she cried, saying sweet things to strengthen her, allowing her to control the intimacy. when it dawned on me; i'm not listening to my own experience, my own hurts. so it didn't take long before i had a heavy, break-thru moment that took me charging ten steps back. and so we broke up. she says it's becuase of my pain and my drinking, that it's too much for her.
but i see today that it's a lot of things, and that i don't have to ruin myself in guilt for not being better/more equipped to deal with things i'm still not over dealing with. and that yes, my way of coping these days is not ideal for building relationships, esp with those whose life depends on that not entering their world. but it took someone outside of me to tell me that for it to be real. why do i collapse in on myself and become dangerous for things my rational mind could easily tell me i have no basis for being that way?
that's what's up. i'm still pretty fucking sad, but what else is new? mom's sad too. we talked today, and i knew by the sound of her voice that the two of you had talked already. i wish none of us felt this way. it's hard, exhausting, and not fair. there's so much pain in the world.
and when i feel it in my little circle of loved ones, the weight of the rest of it comes crashing in like miles of ocean on top of a thin glass shell. i'm posting pics of me and Kerri on my blog tonight, ones i just scanned in at Bryan's. don't we look inexhaustably sexy together? god, she's a fabulous specimen. her heart's hurt too. i have nothing but empathy and love for her. Charlotte 
