  time to go back to bed. too much for one afternoon/5 hour day session. my glasses are missing, and i think i left them in K's car. i feel bad for having done it, but i have to text message her to inquire about them. so much of my just wants some distance to establish itself between us.
just seeing pictures of her hurts my heart. my spiritual center is gone. no, it's not a fag-hating religious foundation that's missing. i hear enough of that crap living in this culture. it's my julian respite. there's no place to run off to for reconnection and revival. mom and i agree, it's too devastating to even talk about. i love her, that woman. i wish i said "this" woman, but i can anticipate the change of verbage and will do so as it happens organically. i love her, and i want to be there to help her get through what happened. then, there's me... and i'm having such a time, i don't know if my efforts in all their earnestness would even do me any good if she intended the same support.
alhtough she has given that support. i just need time to let it run its course, my heart ache. and let her have the same space. you know, i was reading Sir Philip Sidney's criticism yesterday, and i kept thinking... where's the woman in my life who can also read this stuff and be an ally in trying to decode its meanings?
i need a literary babe. not to take anything away from K, but it would be so wonderful to have someone who shared my world more. i'm watching sugiyama and capriati. time to sleep summore and watch the match play out. now that i've eaten (hoooray!! ) and put the house tasks to finality. i can rest. again. morning appt with a counsellor. fingers crossed it fulfills something. 
