  Where am i? sitting in front of the computer as usual in my signature tank top and undies. Rewired the stereo yesterday to make writing more entertaining. Picking my face while I think wondering if I should have shaved in the shower this afternoon or whether it really matters right now. Thinking of the money I dont have but spent anyway on clothes and things for the house I never would have bothered with if I thought it was going to be only for me. New tv for the bedroom, a couple new pairs of pants, some shirts, a pair of shoes, all these things to decorate the walls, expensive coffee from Starbucks I suppose Im enjoying them.
Just seems a bit silly at this juncture. It sure is simpler to be alone. If I feel like sleeping for 13 hours every night, and I am, I can do it. And I feel like stealing a blinking baracade from the construction site down the street from me, I can without someone around to tell me Im being juvenile. I suppose I wouldnt have even thought to outside of being impulsive (more than usual these days) and that my brother stole some once in high school. And drunk last night, it hit me that theres a symbolism involved.
I feel like Im under construction. Or deconstruction depending on how you see it. Warning motorists to steer clear. The place here is immaculate. Some people let the house go to shit when theyre depressed. Me, I clean.
Im stuck in the house alone anyway. Might as well tend to that environment in hope that my head will mimic the same order. Its a quarter after one, and Im still working on my first French press of the day. My bed looks like a hurricane hit it. At least I showered already. I never got that far yesterday.
And I have impetus to get dressed today too. Im going to an early dinner with my aunt Paula. My sweet Aunt who loves me. Shes such an incredible woman. Blessed am I to have her in my corner all the time. So in the meantime?
Theres no cleaning to be done save for a load of laundry. Maybe wash the sheets again or something. Take my reading to a coffee shop down in Hillcrest to get out of the house. Joy Divisions Love Will Tear Us Apart playing in the background. Love the lyrics. Love everything about that band.
I made a CD last night, then made an extra copy of it and left it for KerriLou. Feel like a spaz bringing her things yesterday, but I have the sinking feeling that I wont be seeing her for quite some time. Its part politeness, part an effort to help me not be reminded of her when I see her pajamas neatly folded by the bed and her toothbrush in my bathroom. It hurts my heart to have that yanked out from under me so suddenly. It hurts me even more now since time with a therapist and some trusted friends have pointed out that I may have reason to actually be mad at her rather than it all being thrashed because Im a loser. It would be simpler if it was all my fault.
But you know, I showed my cards from day one. She saw what she was getting herself into. And she told me time and time again when it got going that shes still not over her past breakups. We both fooled ourselves. Willingly at that. Theres no fault to place.
I cant do the blame thing unless its blaming myself. I counter with self-criticism too quickly to blame her. And who cares about blame anyway? Its not helpful, just deflective of what lies beyond the you/me. The world is a painful place. Period.
My favorite Talking Heads song. I forget what its called even, Na Melody or something, but the lyrics are: Home is where I want to be Pick me up and turn me round I feel numb - born with a weak heart (So I) guess I must be having fun The less we say about it the better Make it up as we go along Feet on the ground Head in the sky It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing Hi yo I got plenty of time Hi yo you got light in your eyes And you're standing here beside me I love the passing of time Never for money Always for love Cover up + say goodnight . . .
say goodnight Home - is where I want to be But I guess I'm already there I come home - -she lifted up her wings Guess that this must be the place I can't tell one from another Did I find you, or you find me? There was a time Before we were born If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be Hi yo We drift in and out Hi yo sing into my mouth Out of all tose kinds of people You got a face with a view I'm just an animal looking for a home Share the same space for a minute or two And you love me till my heart stops Love me till I'm dead Eyes that light up, eyes look through you Cover up the blank spots Hit me on the head Ah ooh 
