  Tonight I delivered all thats Kerris to an empty doorstep. I didnt want to meet her for the exchange, just to relieve me of the heartache of seeing her boxers and toothbrush in strategic locations.
It hurt too much. So I got them back to her, along with a small gathering of white roses and a CD made to commemorate what has passed. And I feel good about it tonight. Glad it was a mission carried out solo. Glad not to have the interpersonal element rake my heart over the coals.
I suppose I thought the pain would have been gone or at least lessened by now. But it hasnt. I miss her terribly. All the more reason to celebrate a giving-over of the situation without interaction. I love her. Im afraid of how long thats going to last. Im still not done loving my last/my first. It still hurts me, and it has been 4 years since I left her. Do I abide by Charlottes rule of relationship recovery as stated on Sex and the City? That it takes exactly twice the time you were together to get over it once it's over?
I hope its that formulaic. At least then I can plan ahead. As it stands now, I dont /want/ to get over Kerri. I want to linger in the goodness, even though the loss is so hard its emptying out my spirit. I want to linger in this place too. I feel so much is here to be learned from. Even if I do think I can see all its parts pretty plainly.
I keep thinking I can smell her scent on things. Nostalgic remembrance running me over, but only in my imagining. A scent on my clothes like Proust's madelines. Yet theres nothing in this house that has retained her perfume or her pheromones. I wish. When she borrowed a pair of drawers from me, I kept them soiled just in case thats all I had to be with her. This came upon me too suddenly to have planned ahead. Her boxers smell of bleach. I did that, and I gave them back to her tonight.
I would have made a pillow out of them had I known that was the extent of our togetherness. My heart hurts. My whole core feels in need of evisceration. I wish I could do it with my own two hands. Just tear out the pain and mend it manually. But with what? I cant fix her pain nor my own. Trying to wrap my hands around eithers sounds like a disappointment waiting to happen. It won't work. I rewired the whole houses stereo system today. Now that I have no one to share my bed with me, my bedroom is a den of thudding, electronic warmth.
About 16 feet of speakers surrounding me with songs so far not from far enough back into my life to remind me of pain any worse than what Im currently going through. I have tapes and about 100 songs from the late 90s to fill that bill, all that Claudia ruined for me on mixed tapes. Luckily for me, me and Kerri didnt share music while we made love. Just the beautiful music of her voice and her sweet moaning. Otherwise, Id have more on the do-not-play list. Still there's that old one from the first time we made out.
Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream. I was 17 and too intimidated to actually make love to her. But I wanted to. If only I knew how, what that meant emotionally. Even having not done what i wished to, the moment stands out in my mind 8 years later. I was housesitting for someone. We had our fun on the floor, and I was overjoyed with the passion interlaced with our little venture.
Every time I hear a song from that album, Im reminded of that night. Of Kerri, and of my very first girlfriend who I started seeing that same summer that the album was released. But it was Kerri who i let myself be known with. She probably doesn't know how much that night means to me. As much as I feel at peace in between the thighs of that fantastic specimen of female power, I realize I cant have it again. Not unless she comes around to getting over her fears of being with me. Of getting involved again with someone who loves her. Even if I suddenly went NA/AA on her, I cant be sure shed be up for a relationship. I'm too far outside of her world.
and i don't wish for anything to change that. her sobriety is worth too much to chance it. But dont miss the point here; Ive fallen in love with her. As head-over-heals as it gets. I just see from here and before that theres no way to meet her on ground that could facilitate our coming together. Even I was 12-step property, I wouldnt be eligible to date someone like her for a good 12 months.
Shed be shamed by her community to do anything less. And who am I to take her community away from her, turn that against her? If she fell into relapse because of me I dont know what I would do. Id still love her, sure. Of course. I loved her this deeply when I hated her at the same time for leaving town to get clean. I hated her because I thought she was leaving to kill herself. But I never stopped loving her. It's her who i'd worry about. Seeing her killing herself... i don't know how i'd handle that these days. Maybe I should learn to let love go when it no longer stands a chance for prospering. No. I cant.
I loved her, I love her. Theres no time limit to this. Not on this level. Theres a deep, spiritual understanding Ive grown to know about her. Not just a I feel good when Im with you. Because god knows it didnt always feel good. It sure doesnt now. But I know her, you guys. Shes like a tattoo, but its something more akin to a organ transplant. Shes within me somewhere. It doesnt mean itll die without her in my life, but it does mean that Ive integrated my love for her into the innermost part of myself.
I cant just shake that off as an unfortunate turn of events. Even if I never see her again, Ill always have a place cut away that only she can fit into. 
