  A bit hard to see uot here, but writing seems a better waste of time than a whole lot of other things. Hand are shaking today from the days drinking behind me. I cant remember having such a case of them. I feel like everyone is watching me. This defined paranoia that comes with such a profound hangover. My face is a mess from picking at it and from poor health.
Smoking and drinking, eating only because I have to. Going out for dinner with Pete and Paula in a couple of hours. Hopefully a couple of drinks and some fresh air out of the house will set me straight before I have to be social. Man, I dont have to go out with them. I want to though. Its good for me to get out.
They dont care if I have the shakes. They already know theres reason for concern. Driving down here to Shakespeares was the first time Id seen first hand the devastation of the fires. All up and down the 15 and 163 from Mira Mesa to the 805 intersection is levelled. Looks so deadened. Paralleling how Im feeling, I suppose.
Its wild the way fire can destroy things. It looks so creepy. Empty and lifeless. Seeing this site before me almost caused me to pull over and cry. It hit my gut like a lead weight, choking up my throat. Geez, things have gotten bad.
I cant remember ever feeling this lost or hopeless. Although god knows I have before, and worse. Way worse. The month after I left Claudia was maybe the most pain and the hardest struggle of my life. The weekend Kerri disappeared was hard too, but that had a lot to do with meth and the spoils of coming down. Same with that time I found out my girlfriend slept with my best friend on the night I threw her a birthday party.
I had been up for two days already. I didnt know what to do, I was so enraged and defeated. This whole week has been quite a struggle. I dont know how to anticipate the night out Im about to have. Im so not doing well, yet Im not sure how to be with that and still be social. I know, I know I can be whatever I want, and they still love me.
I keep thinking about Cliff, my dead uncle. I feel so close to him even though I hardly knew him. Shot himself in the head on Christmas eve. Girlfriend left him, and he collapsed for the last time. So sad, and yet so understandable. Im in a way grateful I didnt have a relationship with him.
So that I dont know how close the two of us are. I have everything to live for. Im not suicidal. But I am feeling a bit hopeless seeing things from this place. I understand I have a couple of diseases working against me. Alcoholism, depression, mental instability.
My moms dad drank himself to death. A lot of us arent that happy, but we manage. And I will too. It just sucks to feel this much when it all seems to hurt me at once. Id almost forgotten how this all unravelled. It started with the fires.
Thinking my parents were going to be killed, trapped in it while it swept through their house. That morning I awoke to Kerri leaving my bed, then calling less than an hour later to tell me the hillsides were on fire. It seemed everything was in harms way. In a mortal-danger kind of way. I got up and fixed mommy a drinkie and went back to bed, feeling helpless and defeated at my lack of agency. Then mom called and woke me up again to tell me theyre trapped.
She was crying and so scared. My whole world was shaken. If I lost my parents now And then Paulas house was threatened. Her whole neighbourhood burned to the ground except for a couple of places. Their lives werent in danger, but the sense of loss compounded on itself nonetheless. It was the fires, those days of worry and hurt, that sparked all of this.
It shook me good. I grieved the loss and the prospect of losing too much. It fucked me up. I still cant imagine going back up to Julian until the green comes back. Until things stop smoking. My spiritual center is that place.
And those who live there. That was too much to be at stake all at once. And then Kerri left. True, I wasnt doing too well right before that happened. But when I lost her, my big sunny bright spot on my life. Jesus, who wouldnt be depressed and hurting?
And I cursed myself for not being stronger. For not dealing with my losses in a different way. Maybe her coping is to vanish when things get intense. Maybe I should look at both sides of it more. I need to learn to give myself a break instead of turning it all on myself. Cutting.
I woke up the other morning and went through my day for hours before I noticed Id done it again. Ive done it a lot lately, and it seems like I dont want to stop it. Its the same thing as any crutch. Theres a reliable outcome that distracts me from what hurts a lot more. I take my grief more seriously when I can see it like that. Its like a signal to myself, reminding me its getting worse than I can manage.
Im so disappointed for being dumped during this time. I dont ever allow myself to rely on someone for support. And then I do, and I get left standing on the curb in tears. I understand why she left. I just dont understand why this got started when she knew I was a mess and coping terribly with alcohol. I dont try to hide my feelings.
I cant do it very well even if I tried. She saw me drunk at Pride. She saw me drunk all the time. She said my beer breath was sexy and kept kissing me. She kept saying it didnt matter, and I almost believed her however guilty I felt for corrupting her environment in which to stay clean. But if I was thinking instead of just revelling in the chance to be loved, I would have seen this coming from the very beginning and tried not to get attached.
I got attached. I fucking fell in love with her. It didnt take long after those years together when we were younger. I was already half-way there when I was a teenager. Sometimes I think I had to do some writing the other day for therapy about what I get out of my relationships that fail me so. Am I really trying all over again to reinforce the model my mother set for me?
That love is unavailable, and all you can do is sit by and watch love disappear into themselves? All those years as a kid wanting attention and being punished for the way I sought it while mom remained removed from the world. Am I recreating that pain with women who tell me outright that theyre not available? The very foundation of my attraction to these women I mean well, but Im barking up the wrong tree. Kerri cant be in my life the way I want her to be. I know that.
But I love her just the same. Why all the self-punishment? Why dont I fall in love with someone who wants to be with me and can? I know, its hard to find someone to love. Period. But these episodes are killing me.
Literally, I dont know how much more painful experiences I can chalk up to my history before I shut down harder than this. And who knows what that will look like? Im afraid. Truly, truly afraid that Ive created a universe with its own laws and order that I cant escape from. Heres me, and heres my capacity to feel. And heres what will always happen.
It daunting to look into the future with the awareness I have. Kerri will never love me the way I need. Not unless some miracle happens and she becomes more available. But thats not the point. kerri now is out of my league. Shes beyond my hearts grasp, so to speak, and its being in this place that scares me.
I dont know what Im doing. Sure, going to school and graduating in Spring sounds lovely. Its my prescribed path that Ive honoured and am fulfilling. But then what? Get a job and live alone and be alone. Ok, so I can do that.
I have to do that. But whats the value in it? I want more than anything to be in a relationship that honours me. Me! I want to stop seeing myself as wrong and unnatural and dangerous. I dont want to be the girl who only dates women outside of my age-range.
I dont want to be the kid that operates solely from her distorted past experiences. I dont want to see myself as a mess anymore. But I really dont think Im going to break free of this self-conception. Its hard to imagine, and therefore impossible to achieve. All the therapy in the world cant help it. Cant fix it I may feel better in the short term operating with that illusion that Im working at it and therefore suspending my disbelief.
Its like, if I keep going to talk to people, I can still attach to the fantasy that theres progress to be made. Maybe its this false hope that I need to invest in. Like I told Heather the other day, you people dont get it. I cant be helped. Ive tried for ten years to do something about how bad I feel. Theres no relief, and theres no cure.
It just is, and I need only to get better at managing the fall-out from my reality. Thats as good as it gets. Youre dealt a set of cards, and thats the way of it. Get over a losing hand and learn to look past it. Its not going away until the chips fall. Enjoy the ride.
God, I feel better half way through my second pint. Im a scene straight out of Leaving Las Vegas where I cant even sign my name until Ive had a drink or two. Actually, Im still shaking, but thats from the medication. I almost forget how medicated I am these days. Heavily, heavily. 300mg of Effexor, .5mg of Resperdal, who knows how much of Elavil, but I dont always take that one because I cant get up in the morning and function if I do.
Which probably means I shouldnt be taking it at all, but I do what the inept doctor tells me to. Im embarrassed to go back to school to Heathers classes. I slept right through them on Wednesday. Then emailed my assignment to my prof for the late class. Told her I was having personal problems and was too afraid to leave my house. So now she knows Im wigging out.
Martha already knows because I opened up my arm during her summer course and couldnt help but expose that. But Heather. I knew Id tell her. I knew Id break down in front of a pretty face and a brain like hers. Like I think she can understand and help me. But she cant.
and more importantly, she wont. good for her. Id run from me too if I saw it walking down the street. She offered me a trauma drop in both of her classes. Im only up shit creek in one of them because I missed the midterm. I dont feel like I understand the material well enough to make a come-back.
Im afraid to ask her what she means when she says we can work something out about the missed test. I dont feel like I deserve her consideration. So do I drop? The thought of being less involved in school scares the hell out of me. Its when I dont have anything to frame my time that I panic and fuck up worse. I dont have a job.
This is all I do. And I need to finish school. And I need to prove to myself that no matter whats going on, I can still function. Albeit at a compromised capacity. But Im so smart, I cant let this part of my identity get swept up in despair. Or else give up everything, because theres not enough else going on that I can point to thats positive.
I miss my girl. I miss hearing her breath when shes falling asleep. I miss her smell, her style, her mouth. And the passionate kisses I giggled at. I miss making love to her, how she tastes and how her skin feels beneath my fingertips. I miss her wild hair and the look in her eyes after we had sex.
I miss love. I miss feeling like I matter and that I can still be loved and love well despite my painful past. I miss caring about her and being allowed to show it without shame. Claudia fucked me up. I need to be reminded that Im not that self that was killed with pain while loving someone. I really need her in my life.
I know its going to hurt, but so does this. So does thinking Im too far gone to be loved anymore. And thats how its feeling. That the irreparable damage is just that. We shared something fantastic. Im not able to say that doesnt matter now that its gone.
I think we both want to give more, but its beyond our faculties at this point. what would it take to augment the failure? Maybe patience on both our parts in necessary. Maybe well resume this once some time has passed and weve healed a bit. I feel like a chump for even considering it; I feel destined to lose. Like Im fooling myself or being dishonest to imagine all is not lost.
Maybe I think that way to put closure on it, create some handle of control on a situation so beyond control. She said it: I dont want you not in my life. But is there a possibility that we two can come together again? She loves me, I know. Maybe not the way I wish for us, but she does. And I love her too, whatever that means.
The love isnt part of the question. Its the logistics of getting together that I question. I dont want to hurt her. And I dont want to hurt myself anymore than I do already. Do I wait? Do I have any choice when I think of how rarely I feel this way about someone?
This is going to be on the table for me for a long time. I dont think its merely a matter of time thats going to convince me to give up the ghost and go away. As much as I wish loving wasnt so complicated and associated with so much pain. Its there. Its not very often that it happens, but I love for life. Or maybe I just say that because Im still not over Claudia.
My therapist dude said the other day that I love people as if they were God. Trying to make me look at the spiritual attachment I put into my women. Possible. But who thats ever been in love doesnt feel it spiritually? And who thats ever been in love with a woman not seen her as an embodiment of the Goddess? I see it in myself too, its not purely a misguided projection.
Were all embodiments. Sometimes its hard to see. But yes, religion and romantic love get tangled up. Especially when youre not religious and a relationship has made such an indelible mark upon you. I should shut up now. I have to pee and I have to meet folks for a yummy dinner.
I wish I was more in control of my feelings. I wish I wasnt mired with loss tonight and could go out and have fun. I wish I could love Kerri and not be hurt so much by it. Kerri if youre reading this Im sorry. I understand insomuch as Ive written here. And to you in the past.
I want for us to be together. I want to have you in my corner and to give to you when I can. I love you, I have for years. I know this all is super scary. I dont pretend to know what Im doing half the time. But what I feel is huge, and thats what I go by these days.
Even if our romantic future is crushed, I still love you. Its not about me. Its about the value of what were capable of as individuals and as loving beings. Thats what I look to for support. For confirmation that life is loving and ultimately redeeming. Thats all.
Well figure this out. Either together or apart, but well be ok. 
