  a quiet night studying and watching the beautiful andy roddick on the telly. ate sushi with bryan (an incredible volcano roll at mikko's) to get out of the house finally today. on serve in the third, the studying finally put away (it's as in my head as it's going to be), and now it's time to pour mommy a drinkie and ease into bed. nightmares last night. sugar-fuelled dreams of waiting in line with martha stoddard-holmes to commit suicide. this whole lengthy process involved, glad we were on our way out but confused with how long it took to complete.
institutionalised death. then another dream of being kidnapped by marketers of a pyramid scheme, unable to get home or call 911 for help. hope tonight i rest easier. no emails today. no calls. no word from kerri, not that i want or expect it.
but i do. i think it's unnatural to separate this way. feels like punishment or spite or just plain problematic. where did the love go? i guess we all operate in strange ways under stress. but still... i guess i didn't sense this was dangerous enough to make me want to run and never look back.
all these questions i've answered for myself. the longer it takes to reconnect in some fashion, the less likely i'll want to come around to be her friend after everything. i mean, i wouldn't even want a friend who up and disappears like this. i'm not good with conditionals. i don't dig abandonment, but i sure get it a lot. i'm certainly not done talking about this.
but i can sense my pulse getting stronger, more rapid, and i'll be damned if my emotions for her affect my school performance again. i'm putting this away and going for my rest. i'm being a little irrational; it hasn't been long enough. i think i'd just cry if i saw her. i'm speaking from a wound. never mind.
andy wins. good job, cutie-pie. 
