  Fucking tension headache reeking havoc behind my eyes. Tomorrow I look for a place to get new glasses.
I cant go without these things any longer. Getting out today to talk to Fritz (a good session) and then to see my mom to go to lunch with her and her two friends, Gail and Lucy. I got nervous and uncomfortable and shut down through most of it, but Im still glad I went out there and spent time with them. But before that, we hit 99 Ranch in Kerney Mesa where I picked up some choice bits from their bounty.
Came home tonight to fire up my bamboo steamer for the pork and chicken buns I grabbed, then drizzled the evil pepper sa te sauce on them. Thoughts of a good masaman curry faded once I remembered Id bought another container of that sauce. I really should be cooking more. Being with Kerri threw me off the path. She doesnt eat, or she doesnt have the will to spend anymore time in the kitchen or with food in general.
I find it interesting to watch how this whole thing is unraveling for me. For example, it took me until this weekend to get that this thing is over. Finito for sure. For some reason I figured shes retreat for a spell, regain her composure. Then wed reevaluate things. Why would I think that? I mean, really why after all this rather clear communication of our respective positions would I think shes gonna be right back where she left dust tracks in the air?
Because for five fucking years I had to endure a woman who put me in that on-hold position. Shed be with me for a month or two, wonderful time of intense passion shared and all our free time spent together (and then some  we sacrificed everything for that time). Then shed be in tears over her guilt. Her marriage, her kids, what she knew she was doing to me.
Shed split. Just vanish for weeks, save for a steady procession of Im Sorry cards and letters in my mailbox. But I couldnt call her. Out of respect for her position and her family (the real victims), I wouldnt touch it. Id just sit back, snort chemicals, and weep. Because I couldnt get out of it. I couldnt do anything but suffer in silence until the moment when the phone would ring, and all the opiate attraction would cloud up in front of me and Id run right to it. It happened all the time. Maybe fifty times over those 5 years. Push and pull, no defined limits when either of us would voice them.
It was hell, and it never seemed to have an end point. It still doesnt. I still cant tell you for sure, couldnt bet on it, that Ill never have some semblance of a relationship with Claudia in the future. I still love her. I do. And I guess talking about it this morning with fritz emphasized the point for me. It costs me too much to consider putting it away forever. I shared ME, a part of me with that woman that I cant retain as purely my own. Part of me, a very powerful part of my impressionable youth is tied up with what I went through with her. Discarding her means sealing off something. You may disagree with me or at least just hope Im fooling myself, but thats where I see the situation to lie.
And the more relevant issue is this: I understand her. I saw that woman. The biblical Knowing of a person never made more sense to me than when I got to know Claudia. I know her and I love her. Because Im in touch with her humanity in a way that others fear to expose. It may have been intensely painful, but no one argues that it wasnt intense. I loved her so much, I stayed around.
I dont want to love Kerri so much that I drag myself through the dirt to retain a connection that doesnt serve me. I dont. And today was another crumb of getting that. Shit, it sucks to love someone and accept it being over. I dont know that Im not going to love her anymore. Again, I shared a part of myself that I cant bear to let go of.
And the two, yes, are inextricably entwined. I cant separate that level of trust with the woman who earned it. Ok, so maybe my judgment is skewed. But she earned it. She got a piece of me Ive never shown another. And so far, thats the most intimate place Ive been. Yeah, Im letting go of something big. But Im doing it. I wish I could make this rewind and happen a different way.
I love her.
I love everyone Ive let into my heart, although the list is brief.
But there it is. The more the time lapses, the more ill understand what Im doing. and now, time to put up christmas lights to waste the night away. 
