  Big bad night last night. Awful day today dredging up the muck thats accumulated undisturbed for what seems like centuries. Barely survived social interactions today, although it ended well with the seeing off of Chris K as he leaves the state tomorrow for good. At least I wasnt thinking about suicide hotlines for a couple of hours. Bad day I tell you. But not nearly as scary as last night. A miracle maybe that nothing tragic happened aside from the intake of various adult beverages and a nightmare writing session of things possibly best kept to myself. Back to the beverages again tonight to break up my spell of sadness. I cried on the way to bed last night.
Cried when I woke up. Through my coffee, through my shower most of all. Then a little bit more on the way to and from school where I had to get up the courage to speak to my class about the research/literary analysis paper I had to submit. Puked in the john, from nerves, alcohol, and too much coffee and no food. And the heat. Laying supine on the cement in the middle of school in boardshorts and a bikini top, wishing I was happier. Home to feign the emotions of a successful day before escaping to a poolside sojourn where I tried to tune out. All these shrieking kids and loud, mundane discussions between their mothers ranging from a 20 minute dissertation on how many things contain peanuts, a food little Madison cant eat, to the book club reading of fucking Seabiscuit. I got up to grab some tp to jam in my ears to block it out, but it didnt help. Finally giving up, I headed home for a failed attempt at a nap.
Too hot and humid, and too much on my mind to let me crash. It's the big C on my mind far too much. Allowed myself to reel into nostalgia of the good times where I could have sworn I was in love and on top of the world. Rereading the letters she sent me last night was about the worst thing I could have done to myself. I had some pretty scary thoughts to accompany such a self-destructive manoeuvre. Sliding to places I havent gone before. Luckily I got on the phone with Jennifer in Minnesota. Thank fucking god she called me back. I tried to leave an innocuous message. One, cause she doesnt answer her phone much like my aunt. A professional screener. And two, I didnt want the girls coming home to a tragic message.
Its just not cool if you can help it. We spent, what, an hour on the phone together? Long enough to make me feel human again. And loved. Which is the problem, Im sure. God, I love her. I need those two closer to me. So not fair that we need each other and were so separated. She reminded me to eat something already. And I tried, I truly did. But the last days have killed my appetite. Its not that Im not hungry or dizzy or weak its that my body, my mouth just rejects food.
I feel like I have a mouthful of dry crackers that I could just let fall out of my craw as Im chewing. Bleaaah. Take it away. And finally monsieur, a wafer-thin mint? Sleep is on the horizon, I'm sure. Shared a beer with Dads dog. Time to crash and hope for a better tomorrow. 
