  fuck it. here's my other post, also thrown up on the lj site. i'm not up for mixing it up. i'm crushed, emotional, self-abusive, and i have a lot of energy lurking behind that shiny glaze of submission.
not a good combo tongiht. __ i know none of you like to hear this when I admit a downward trajectory is upon me, but today has nudged me in that direction with all the subtlety of an H-bomb. All day, I wanted nothing more than to come home and crawl back under the covers to cry in private. Not to hit something. Just to cry. And since I tried to fight it today the feelings took a 180&#9702; turn and are feeding on themselves, on the vessel that attempted to confine them. Im going for sick tonight. Anyone who wants can come over (bring hard liquor, at least 750ml), prepare to slur your existential despair in concert with the master.
Im up for one hell of a shut-it-out session. I feel like Ive been dumped. But this time, its getting dumped from a whole ideology. Alienated from my first chance to bring together my best, more defining characteristics. My writing, my film analysis talent, and my well developed sense of a queer self. Yes, some scotch and a film. Alone with my liquor and myself. The safest place to be. 
