  Thank god Im home. I was tooling around town, through my old haunts today, just beside myself with a yearning to be before a computer to write. When the compulsion overtakes me, Im as level as a crazy street person with one shoe on, screaming about socialism in a Walmart parking lot. No one knows quite how to handle any of it. And no, I didn't see "her," although I was only a mile from her house at one point.
You'd think I'd have a hard time wading through all the married/kept women in SUVs with a cell stuck to their ear. Yet I'd be able to pull her car out of a lineup even after a midgrade stroke. Compulsion reigns. I've had that license plate memorized since I was 16. Anyway... Heeding the voice within, I actually pulled into a 7-11 to buy a pad of paper much like a heroin addict seeks out a warm place to sleep before night falls. When the monkey screams, I give him a cookie and try to think of his clawing on my back as a massage for the masochistic. Jesus H., kidlets. After what would have brought my finances to a stand-still, mom and I continued to shop. Nordstrom was a rare treat for a girl with no job  especially since it was one of those trips where the sales woman hands over a handwritten note of appreciation on the back of a business card.
Im officially dressed properly for Chris wedding in August. The skirt (laugh, go ahead) Id bought was shit in comparison with moms 1600 suit, so I kept my eyes open for a more tailored approach to the whole outfit question. To self: Go big. Moms paying, and shes trying to get you to not look like a financially strapped lesbian. At least for one day  for the pictures shell keep in her head for her entire life to come. Shopping these days is a depressing affair with the extra 30 pounds I carry around with me. But when youre in the Faccionable dept of said store, one's sense of self in the fashion world meets an epiphany of re-evaluative insight.
Yes I /will/ try on a top thats a mere 150 after the 40%off sale. And yes, I will talk mom into something that Id actually wear after that day, something more comfortable than what my personality viewed as a gorilla suit. I'm not a sweater-set kind of girl. Anyone want to take me out? Ill look fabulous on your arm, and its widely known that I put out with exuberance and vigor. Just show your credentials as a sexually ambivalent and otherwise unavailable woman (married a plus), and Ill call ahead for reservations.
Today, the Earth shook. Just a touch, but it was strangely invigorating nonetheless. If it were an orgasm with someone, I think I would have gone to the bathroom to finish the job. Or had an uninterrupted dialogue with myself all through it about whether I remembered to water the garden before I left the house. Balanced the checkbook. Hardly phased. But exciting, this was! However minor and brief. Even more interesting, or perhaps making it interesting, was the fact that Id just run into my 9th grade biology teacher who was having lunch with a colleague at the same joint as I was having a drink (bien sur) whilst waiting for my car to get its oil changed, etc. Very sciency indeed! I adored this woman as her student. It goes without saying that I was a troublesome jackass back then, but she seemed to put up with it with grace from a place of either former-life empathy or a genuine affection for my  uh originality?
I don't even know if it's worth addressing more than noting... just yesterday I followed uo with my mom's long-ago mention that Wendy Slijk was in the paper for having done some research in Antartica - followed up and checked it out online.
yes, yesterday. The local news was blaring out of two TVs in the next place I wandered into for a more substantive adult beverage and a continued opportunity to wrap my mouth around the new David Sedaris book. No sunamis are forcasted was all I needed to hear to burst out laughing. Having no tv has allowed me to once again see this shit they broadcast as the big bowl of wrong that it is. I mean, Im more paranoid than most. (-cough- TITLE of the f-ing blog, Captain Obvious) but no wonder were so wound up.
Id be extra violent too if I thought even Mother Earth was somewhere unseen, filing her nails with a mind full of latent anger that was going to involve hellfire in the morning. (Did I mix metaphors there? Or did I just mix a personification largely viewed as pagan with a biblical reference? ) Many sorries for the blunder. Ill flog myself another coupla tonight before I say my prayers.
I must atone. No, the madams I hire to dominate me dont count. Being a dirty girl that needs to learn the meaning of respect isnt the same thing. One day, I'll meet my true love/dominatrix, and all will be well on Self Descrution Island. Now, THAT would be a tv show I'd go out of my way to see. (Mind spinning off. Must... engage... in the 1000 yard stare of imagining a life writing for television. "Of course it's funny to you. All you do is sit up here taking 'ludes. " paraphrase from Annie Hall 
