  So Im in my room making the bed for the dogs to resume their positions for the first morning round of naps. My mom knocks at the door to tell me my dad is looking for me to ask me a question. No, I didnt assume I was in trouble for something.
Thats what its usually about. I guess I must have had a lapse in mental functioning, because for a second there, I thought he was going to ask me to go with them on their shopping trip today. I dont know why I got my hopes up, what it is that inspired me to expect such a thing. maybe that we were supposed to go out today to get stuff for my birthday; that was the deal when they went to Julian and left me alone on my birthday.
So now theyre pulling away without a mention of inviting me. I had another strange dream last night. Went to visit Bryan at what turned out to be a commune for a cult. They wouldnt let me leave even when I pleaded with them that they dont want me to be a member because Im gay.
Even Bryan stopped trying to help me, seeming quite comfortable with his new life in this alternate reality. I had to leave all my things behind and just make a break for the outskirts of the compound. One member tried to persuade me to stay while I fled, saying how surprised she was that someone that wrote The Glass Bead Game would have any problems with their lifestyle. (I didnt write it, btw. Herman Hesse did) My sexual freedom was more important than anything, why I had to run before they got into my head and took it away from me.
the woman didnt understand why that would be so important to me, so I kissed her and she ran off with me. The book, by the way, is about an elite spiritual/intellectual group who spends their time constructing chains of associative connections like glass beads on a necklace. They can go from a piece of music to the natural world, whatever, and the point is to meditate on the connections. The more powerfully sublime, the better. Its, to me, about creating an illusion of interrelation between fragments.
To feel the comfort of an underlying scheme, pattern, or some kind of safety netting that lies beneath it all. So, Im running from it. Because I know its false? Just a game of feeling safe? An exercise in our own capacity to fool our rational minds into thinking theres an umbrella of unified significance out there? Shoot. This may be too deep of a conversation to be having with myself before Ive had my coffee.
I wrote the book. That was funny. And Im running from its taking-it-as-gospel application. I convinced them all of this way of dealing with the world, and I created a monster. Hahaha!!! Its like therapy in a way, I think. Looking for patterns, relief, a way to put things on a map. Its brainwashing if left unchecked, because ultimately, its just a momentary contemplation that provides relief. Theres no safe community to hide out in. You still have to live in the world. A world that has no threads neatly tying together the fragments. 
