  Nothing like scaring someone with love. Im not completely sure how I feel today. A mixed bag of angst and sadness joining forces with an uncertain heart. And of course, I feel light and breezy thinking of how nice it is to try this loving someone thing out again. As heavy as that is after everything I feel like Ive been through - when the pain comes and wipes me out.
Im all over the place in my head. But then I back off the mental gymnastics of trying to wrap my brain around all the facets of the situation with Kerri. And when I do, theres nothing to distress me. Just a steady, rhythmic up and down of the universe. Im actually not worried about how this is turning out. I think of it this way: love is energy, pure and simple. Leslie taught me that much. Its there to be enjoyed, not for me to run from screaming for my life. The world is painful. Whether I participate in the risks or not, the weight of existence is crushing. Might as well give it a go when an opportunity comes to contribute to the joyous side of things. Sure, Im going to get hurt. Everyday I get hurt. The moment I step out of bed in the morning I feel pain (the physical kind too).
As soon as I open my eyes Im reminded of a hundred reasons why it might be safest to stay asleep. But I get up. Because theres a fundamental decision Ive made to jump in and feel it. It may be with the help of alcohol (decided to toss that crutch aside), but Im working up to being fully present.
Otherwise Id kill myself. And yes, this is a point of choosing that I come back to often. It makes more sense to me to frame it in such drastic terms. I cant sit in that third space anymore, the being helplessly depressed and not doing anything about it. The stasis of it all. That space between trying actively to destroy myself and end my life and the cowboy mentality of getting the fuck up and riding on. I need to pick one, and I have. Kerris afraid. So am I. Loving Claudia killed a part of me that Ill never get back.
No, it wasnt the loving her that did it, I know. But yeah, lifes a bitch. Fellini had it right with Nights of Cabiria. But the movie is still beautiful and ultimately optimistic. Hell, maybe Ill go to a meeting today. Proclaim myself an alcoholic to a bunch of strangers. The glamour of being a depressive, alcohol-soaked writer is wearing off. Im missing my life. 
