  The meds. They have to change. Slept another 14 hours last night, missing my classes. I could still sleep is it the Elavil or the Depression? I went to bed at ten after only two beers, so its not like I was acting irresponsibly. What gives? I have to get up today if for no other reason than to get my check and deposit it, kill the red ink that has been lying in wait for me in the depths of a broken bank account.
Sucks to be dependent on a disability check for financial sustenance. And I need to get up to pay some overdue bills, stretch my aching back the pain keeps me in bed some days, and this was one of them. Maybe I slept on it wrong. I had nightmares about going to the play but it was with Mark. He didnt research the night properly, and he bought me the wrong parking permit causing my car to be towed. The whole dream was trying to locate it with him on the cell changing his mind to whether he was even going to come meet me or change his plans again. I was in a hurry the whole time, but no one at the parking lot seemed to care about retrieving the car from the impound.
Im too tired to even waste energy trying to place what that means. Mark represents irresponsible fun? My means are being compromised by short-sightedness? God, this is hard not going back into my bed. Its safe there. Its warm and I can tuck my head under the covers and pretend its only me in the world. No bills, no heartache, no flaky friends, no loneliness. Just me and the warmth I create. And lots of restorative sleep.
Im going out with Mark tonight if I can summon the energy to not flake myself. Im about to take a pain pill to get a headstart on knowing how Im to feel today. Back feels weak and sore like it went through a little trauma. I think its my emotional space manifesting in something physical. Id better shower and get a move-on. Helps to pretend I didnt already waste my day in bed. Time to openly defy anxiety and get out the door.
No! no tears! Whats going on, Charlotte? Ah, yes. The topic of safety out of doors is enough to make me swallow hard. Why cant I just hide out inside with black coffee and write to the world from here? Indeed. To secure a position as ideal as that, I need to work things out with all those living-in-a-community odds and ends first. 
