  Wow. That was total crap tonight. There isnt enough alcohol in the world to fix it either. Cause all I want to do is hit the sheets and forget the evening altogether.
I wish I wanted to drink it off of me. Guess Id rather let the disappointment gestate. If anyone wants to know /this/ is why Im a hermit. This is why I hate going out, seeing people, putting my expectations on the line. I let expectations build  to a whopping expectancy of people showing up somewhere  only to be reminded of the sting of disappointment.
Waiting around in two places, one being a bar, feeling like Id been infected with herpes and couldnt be touched with the courtesy of kept plans. I think I had the venue for dinner wrong. Fucking chain restaurant that I didnt look into (Carlsbad? Oside? Who knows?). I rode my assumption into the ground. Then hit the bar we were supposed to convene at  an hour and a half of utter depression, playing it off with two drinks to distract and reading a horribly written lesbian zine that almost offended me more than the flakage of the fellow queers that I thought I was meeting.
Can I please come on as your editor!?? So I called Scott and helped him bounce at Martini Ranch. The one in Encinitas in case anyones keeping score!! In case it fucking matters. God, this is all so humbling. I guess I was looking forward to the camaraderie. Guess I do need the collective spirit to keep me afloat.
Yet tonight I unsubscribed to the groups listserv in the heat of hurt feelings. Wrote one email saying Ill see you next fall. I dont do well with things like this. Short of crying (actually wore eye make-up tonight, so I would have ended my night by doing so), I let out a series of shrill screams in my car horrid enough to weaken my voice. Should be satisfactorily horse tomorrow. Tonight? I hate people. I hate getting my hopes up. I hate feeling like I need social interaction altogether. Tomorrow Ill wake up and kill myself at the gym. And I wont answer emails from anyone in the group who has my real address. My feelings are hurt, and Im not mature enough to want to back it up with a reasonable handling of what is so obviously a mistake in communication.
Im working on too thin of a buffer to do that. Too sensitive. Too much wanting to disappear anyway. I came home tonight before seeing Scott to check my mail and lied to my parents about what happened. How much more emotional it would have been to tell my mom Im hurting for not getting to be a part of a group I need in my life so as not to kill myself.
It doesnt have to be at school. But I need this community. Im fucking lost without a sense that Im not the only queer woman in the world. I do too much on my own as it is. Too shut off from loving. Too shut off from getting to express myself. This sucked. And whats worse its no ones fault. Theres no one to blame. Just a disappointment I didnt want to have to endure.
I know Im being unreasonable. I know that part of me is too quick to assume this submissive position of nothing is worth the effort, especially relating to people. Its ridiculous to do this, walk away from what has tickled my sense of purpose, all this communal action on campus, this time spent with people who cry everyday for the same reasons I do. But you know? I cant. Looking past the immediate disappointment is the fact that Ive been so deeply affected  is this even that big of a deal?
Yet I wonder At this vulnerable stage, am I willing to let outside influences make me sad? Can I handle any more than the sheer being that weighs on me? Its a delicate balance these days. Lots of suspension  lots of acting-as-if, to use the parlance of the 12-step community. Im paring this down to basics. This hurts, and I dont like it. I dont know how much room I have for excusing things.
Even if theres a plain explanation for why it happened. Im just not strong enough right now to laugh at it and move on. And then I go see Scott and all the straight girls dressed to the nines tonight at the bar and feel even more out-of-place. This is not the option Im looking for. Felt more estranged than before I went out. Their point in dressing that way is obvious. To attract. But why? If they spent that much time cultivating their autonomy god, where would this world be if individuals were looking out for themselves instead of looking out to snare another person? And why do I secretly need that? Are all humans pack animals? Im sad and tired and Im not going to cry.
Tomorrow Ill forget most of this and work out until its overcome. And Ill do something nice for a stranger and feel good again. 
