  I want to be a writer. Of lesbian fiction, I want to write. I just bought a collection of short stories from B&N that I began this afternoon in between sets of push-ups and sit-ups. And Im not saying that the work is bad, I just know I could do better. Theyre so simple, two dimensional. I have the time. I want to write. Id sit here and do some tonight, but I have to go meet Mark.
My check finally came, but I owe so much, I couldnt take out any cash until tomorrow. So embarrassing. So its plastic again. And again, I wish I could reneg on my plans to go out. I just opened a bottle of pinot and am through half a glass, and I think Id rather stay here and think about it. I think tonights the night that I put the pictures of Kerri up in the attic. Literally, theres a big chunk of storage up there that I can use to get things out of sight, out of mind. Resolve has struck me these past couple of days to make those gestures to myself. To free myself up from feeling bound to the loss. I think I hold onto things like this too long because I feel by not doing so, Im disrespecting her. But shes not here to see how devoted to honour what happened between us or how lovingly I move on from the break. And quite honestly, the moving on is happening faster than Id expected, so I might as well let it happen.
If she wasnt so fucking beautiful, the pictures might not affect me. But there she is. I could just eat her alive again and again. Man, she was fabulous. (notice the past-tense application) Im excited to see Mark. Even a little interested in some lovin coming out of the night. Hes the best male lover Ive been with by far. Except that he has a hairy chest, and that makes me want to shrink.
And hes usually a total sweetheart. Hes not a woman, but thats no reason to write him off completely. It will be fun. As long as I dont compare it to someone else and that level of experience. More trust than a casual, consequence-free fuck is necessary before Ill be treated to such a thing, I know. But if it took 25 years preparing for what happened with Kerri, I can wait another long spell before it happens again. Who knows? Maybe Ill be able to bring a little piece of that with me and make the most of whats available. Or propel me into a vow of chastity. To the attic! Then to Marks. Pardon the juxtaposition; thats not supposed to pair up as so causally explained. Maybe Ill take them down w/o thinking so it doesnt bear any extraneous consequences. 
