  How did I miss this? Im trying to make a CD for my trip tomorrow. And I was playing around with songs I didnt think I cared about. Yet theres a song on Didos new album called See You When Youre 40. A song I adore but had no idea the title. And youre free to guess at who it reminds me of. Shell be 40 in a year and a month. I told Kyle about her. Im not sure why. It matters little between us, but its my history. Why Im so gun shy about dating now, why I hold new loves to such high standards. Who can assume a goddess-like status? Who can compete with such intensity without further ruining me?
Im still in love with her. Thats what I concluded. I know its indicative of a failing of mine that I still love her, but I cant help it. All the anger is there; its not a matter of getting in touch with my rage at the situation. Some part of me thinks Id be more upset if I was never granted a chance to be her lover. However she controlled me sexually. I never was allowed access to so many things She tried to tell me it was all my choice whether to leave her or not, that she never would/could walk away. But I was tortured into leaving eventually. The older I get, the more insane that part of it appears. Yes, having had free-reign would have been beautiful. But wouldnt it also have damaged me more?
Or was the end result just a crippling sense that no-holds-barred sexual expression results in pain? Its hard to judge 5 years out of it. The Me now would never have been able to cope with sexual restrictions. However shed let them slide from day to day. I dream weekly (still) of making love to her. Different ways, different terms/circumstances surrounding it.
Im still heartbroken. I still yearn for another chance with her as an adult. Still curse us both for screwing me up before I had a chance to acquire a chance to delineate between lust and something worth pursuing. I still dream of having her come into my hand, into my mouth. I still think of her as the most beautiful woman Ive ever touched. Claudia, Im sorry for being too young to have handled all of that better. I still love you. Regardless of practicality, I still think youre it.
Had you been ten years younger, it might have worked. At least wed have only been a handful of years apart. And you would have been single. Yet your kids Those three miracles I couldnt give you this. Ugh. Please, someone. Kill this pain. Ive been misaligned with my love of this woman for 9 years. It was April 28 th of 1995 that I met her. Yeah, I remember. When a single moment of seeing someone from a distance triggered so much for us both.
She wasnt introduced to me. I just saw her. And she saw me and stopped cold in her tracks to meet my gaze. Im a strong woman, but tonight Im a skeptic. I dont know that I can put that behind me. Nor do I think I want to. I miss being in love. No matter how much it hurt me. And continues to do so. 
