  i fixed the blinds. now all i want is to shut out the world and go back to bed, to hell with my plans tonight. Creating a state of rapture for myself. Downloaded Bryan Ferrys song, Slave to Love . I heard it on the radio the other night, my foot leaning against the pedal, fingers on the window control, open road and earsplitting sound. Roxy Music reminds me of abandon.
Youthful, consequence-free nights alone with a friend I developed a crush on. The beauty was that it was safe. I never hear from that woman anymore. The time together sealed like a vault, and I keep it that way. Coincidentally, the song that followed reminded me of Kerri. An album that used to remind me of high school and winning CIFs in hockey with my very first girlfriend.
But the night when me and Kerri made out on the floor of a friends apartment that I was housesitting in PB. Thats what Siamese Dream reminds me of now, ever since I was 17 and that happened. I was so young, so eager. So affected. The whole Smashing Pumpkins album giving beat to amorous expression. I was so blown away being with her that night even though I was too young and experienced to feel I could be present with much more than a makeout session.
I think of that night now. How afraid I was. How afraid she ended up being years later. Its interesting is all. I assume shes still thinking about what happened, thinking of me. But truly, Im still hanging on the fact that she erased me from her life so whats the word Im looking for?
Completely? Yeah. I guess all that time shed call me char-let-go she was trying to teach me the skill of utter detachment. Or its hard for her, this break. Im hurt, so I tend to want to side with the assumption that shes completely vanished. Its simpler.
Im upset to admit it, but I really am letting go of her. Letting go of the hope that shell come around, sure. But more poignantly, that shes out of my life forever, in any capacity. There wont be a reunion of any kind. Shes wiped her hands of me, and Ive followed suit. What I stand holding now is not a remnant of her but instead a scrap of relationship-loss.
Its no longer about her, and that bothers me (because it signals that a fundamental decision has been made that Im sticking to). Its a different level of mourning. Its like recoiling back into hibernation. I quite enjoyed letting myself be known by someone. I may have misdirected my loving, but that doesnt diminish the value I place in the experience. So its the experience of myself I now mourn.
Not her. In fact, shes so out of my now that Im not sure Ill be able to see her again. Does anyone blame me? I dont care if you warn someone youre unavailable. Yet your body and a lot more of you is contradicting that. The words mean nothing when it comes down to it.
Dont show up if you cant back it up. You showed up, honey. Words are one thing, but the look in your eyes late in the night fuck, thats incongruous. What was I supposed to do? Shut down on you like you did to me? Shut down on you like you expected me to?
Fuck, that Ive been blaming myself for the drinking as causing this whole thing. It wasnt until you disappeared from me that I sought alternative modes of coping. Good or bad, it wasnt anything bigger than your unwillingness to show up with me. You knew about my coping when you started this thing, kissing me in my garage that day at my house. Then you throw down your trump card and disappear. Thats fucked.
At least you warned me for what I was in for. With all the anger and pessimism you see in me, I guess you appealed to my optimistic side. Go figure. I feel sad for her, though. I could have been good for her. Bad in some respects, sure.
But having some light in my life sure does help to augment my trek to bettering myself. I guess I hoped I could be that for her as well. Foolish heart. (insert Journey song here) I want to be a good person. Why do things like this make me question whether I can really offer that to anyone? I know Im a loving soul.
I feel it when I touch someone I love. Dont tell me its not in the cards for me to be able to parlay that into a relationship where someone can readily accept it. I keep getting slapped with painful punishment whenever I let it out. Makes me want to hate that part of me. It causes so much pain. Slave to Love .
Now Im crying and I have to pick up Scott in twenty minutes. Fuck my heart. It hurts too much to bring it along with me tonight. I think I need a beer. God, that song is sad. I wonder if Scott forgot.
That's all I need, to be flaked on. 
