  Coming in a bit late tonight. I thought for sure Id be in for several hours of patio blogging, but it seems the bar here at Penny Lane.
I just got here, and yes its after 11. but Ive been a good girl so far tonight. I thought Id have plenty of time to hammer away, but it seems this town, along with me, shut down around midnight. I think I would have too, but there was a call in to Kerri that kept me up past my exhaustion point.
I passed it a couple of times today. The site where a colleague of mine killed himself on a stop light this weekend. And unlike the one by kerris house, this one is adorned with nothing more than a police  no entry tape. Is it somehow less tragic when its a cocllege kid that bites the dust? I know the scene disturbed me, made me think twice about going out at night. Not for my own impairment as much as that of the folks that now live near me. But still a boy died here. Does anyone care? I do. Should I create a shrine on my own? The girl called me this evening as she was coming home. Plans to play on Thursday night well past my midterm deadline. Thats tomorrows project; to study and reread everything from our class so far.
Im afraid of this class I know I wont make the A cut-off Ive established as a requirement for myself in the past few semesters. Hayton is too demanding. And w/o graduate school in the forecast, who gives a shit as long as I pass the class? But the real question is this: is my relationship, whatever that means/ can be defined to be, interfering negatively with my studies? I know, I dont see her during the week. But Im thinking about her. That alone is more energy gone than Im used to. Its good energy but the grades Ive pulled off are largely characterised with a lack of other directions to throw my energy.
Ive no experience in the integration. You all remember me at SDSU. Kicked out. Because the Claudia thing was so intense, I freaked out and left town for my finals. I had no investment then. I sure do now. Im almost done. And although I realise I have more crazily drawn expectations than most, I do see a slippage happening or poising to happen. I dont want that. Itd be one thing if I thought the two of us could be together forever. What is forever?
just a straight-world construct that expects families with children to endure the hardships of falling out of love for the sake of their children. This is definitely not that. But Id like to think this is something thats going to last; at least for longer than the relationships Ive had in the past. Theres no goal here. No expectation of where its supposed to evolve towards. Or to change at all. It just is, and its perfect in its own right. Im allowed a respite from my hang-ups. Im allowed a safe place to love a very worthy recipient.
And Im allowed some pretty passionate love in return. Where else could I get this? More than that, how often can any of you say that youve someone in your life who cares that much about you? She does. I know it. Maybe not like a life-commitment partner, but that would be out of step with me if it were true. What do I know that happens beyond a semesters worth of time? The boys in the bar want to know what Im writing. As usual. Anyone still at a bar this late on a Monday night is probably beyond converting. The word blog meant nothing to them.
A bit tempted to have them look me up, but I think Ive learned to know better. My email address is linked up to it. The mu-zak was just playing the into to a Pink Floyd song from the Wish You Were Here album, but the bartender cut it off. Too bad, cause now Im wishing I still owned the thing. Now its our local hero, oh shoot whats his name?
From the Eagles. He lives here. Not Glenn I cant remember anyone else. Henley? Yeah Ok, well I could ask his name to be sure, but I think the inquiry would open me up to too much Q and A. Might be time to cruise home. I feel like I need this night to get all out-of my-head with drinking since I have limits on it now with my time with Kerri. Meaning, I want passionately to reign in the impulse control for the nights Im with her. And shoot, its no problem when I know Im going to see her.
The promise of her company is way more weighted than the want for distraction. I think shes about the only one I can think of that Id go out of my way to be present for. I mean, I love you all. But shes like I couldnt bear it if I was less that 100% with her when shes with me.
She has such a potency on her own that I couldnt manage a substitute without lamenting the gap. This woman is as much if not more intense than I am. And yo, thats saying something, yes? 
