  Oh my lord, yall. What a fucking freightening day. I began waking at an early hour, troubled by a dream I had semi-lucid about a screenplay I was certain that needed to be written. Involving desperate paralysis and silence. The details of which have since been rendered unnecessary to elaborate on. So Im sitting in Mouks class in the corner but in front when I pull out a VW novel Im at the duement of and just flirting with the conclusion I was prepped for reading/seeing the HOURS.
When I knew (Shit, Charlotte. Youre so sequestered off. Why not use this time before class more wisely and talk to those around you who youve clearly had several classes with over the years. Why go introverted? ) So I put the book down. Talked LONDON with a boy wanted to fuck him by the end of it (Belle de Jour?
) but I talked LONDON with the guy until class was underway. And then my heart started. Again. Ive almost become used to this feeling. Beating hard, then nothing. I was trying to breathe in all my Yoga and Meditation-trained ways.
And believeyoume, Ive been that route. But my heart hurt, kept pounding. I was scared, began to feel faint. So I disengaged myself from Mouks placid/flaccid lecture. But it didnt stop. I wanted to cry out.
I thought I was dying, the ?ith time this week or two. Ive never had heart probs in my life. Even encompassing a good five year CONSISTENT stint of main-line (shit, this is ruining my political career), freebasing (all the time cause its a different high and I like glass pipes  SO FREUDIAN-), and snorting it until my nose bled without stop for hours. If you ever see it happen? Its old shit. Im ruined.
I thought I was going to die. It got worse and more cramping as I thought of it. Really this morning Ive done drugs like COKE and E and METH and ACID and MESCALINE, and MUSHROOMS, and EPHEDRINE, and CRACK, and more chronic than most should have in a lifetime, imagining that this life form ingested a seasoned-smokers view of a daily dose of 60/1/4 dope (even knowing the grower, getting mind-numbing shit all day for 240 an oz. or 45 a  if times were tough. ) I blew a 3g gift to me from my folks at 18 that I spent on speed. At $10/g.
in large quantities. And I still messed it up, the delay, the innocence. Then I read about Belle de Jour. I alternately want to be her, and I want to absorb her experience. No, I just want to meet her as contemporaries. She rules.
I site her more often than Plato. 
