  I cant stop staring at this shifting-color mushroom. Maybe its because it never holds my favorite color, that electric red, the way it stalls on blues and greens. Red blood, sex, pain, authority, communism yes, Id be hard-pressed to rationalize that away to a McCarthy panel.
S&M reeks of communism. To idiots. (Bryan Ferry  Dont Stop the Dance ) yes, another y Bryan. Its nice knowing that my two best friends who remain local are the same age as Elizabeth. Maybe happy that Ive some added cred with my cousin that Im not the regular asshole from my generation who cant connect with the rest of the world. It so matters to me that she sees me as something other than a part of an isolated island of idiots.
The only friends I have my age are my bestest, Amy, and my LTWR girls who I almost pulled a borderline personality meltdown on this past week. Both who want/ed to murder me in the last few days. Buck up, kids. I cried like you wouldnt believe at the thought that Ive even offended you all. I give a shit. Im just a shitty friend if you dont already understand where Im coming from on a range of situations. I heard from my last real therapist this week. Who emailed me more links to understanding what borderline personality disorder is all about.
I know, I know it fits to the point of it making me horribly uncomfortable to read about myself (always a good indicator that its ringing true). How many times can I apologize for being a DSM category unto my own? I want to go back to see her. Troubles me that shes cute as hell I cant say that my respect for her has nothing to do with how she looks. And thats troublesome. Isnt my biggest problem the way I sexualize people when its inappropriate to do that to? My cousin? Ok, shut up. Were related but yes, shes incredibly cute. I cant afford to go back to see her, Natalie.
But Id like to because she gets my shit. But shes beautiful, and thats so problematic, it makes me tear up to know that itll push my buttons in time. Im always afraid that Ill break down that wall of appropriateness. Even as the fat fuck I see myself to be these days. No offense to big folks its just an excuse to hate myself. (The Cure - Lovecats ) 
