  Mail Bomb Well,  that was a wrench in the machinery. nbsp;  I heard back today from Prof.  Cassel with a follow- up on what all happened with the asshole professor complaint. nbsp;
 Turns out I was the only one who had a problem with him.
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 Those two students who came forward to say something after I asked them to toss in their two cents both said that it was a personality conflict between us and nothing more.
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 No more will come of the situation,  and for that Im relieved.
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 But Im also feeling like a big pile of shit right now.
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 Tearful,  implosive,  guilty that I wasnt able to handle the whole thing better on my own.
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 What this translates to for me again is this:  Im too angry to get along with people,  and I invite a fight that hurts me to the point of cutting myself.
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 Thats what happened between me and Prof.  AH so far,  what preceded my last incision.
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 Not so right now Im not bent on destruction today.
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 But I am feeling it with rather strong intensity.  I wrote back to Cassel in an email just now,
 but Im not feeling any better because of it.
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 I am glad its over,  but to feel like its all my fault I feel an outbreak of apologies is on the horizon.
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 Yes,  even to PAH.
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 Nothing more than a line or two,  but it will come.
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 All I want today is to be alone.
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 And to hear from someone that Im not what I am.
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 Then again,  I dont think Id hear it.
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 Not today.
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 I need to work harder.
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 I need to be doing something different than Im doing.  &
nbsp; nbsp; nbsp; nbsp;
 &
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 I feel like shutting down.
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 At least today I have some work to do that can act as a mask for wanting to be in the void and feeling nothing.
